How do you know when a cancer is 'testing' you?
So...i've read a lot on here that sometimes Cancers will say things just to see what your reaction is. To see if you'll say what they want you to say. But, how do you know when they're testing you? The cancer I know has tested me before, I felt, but I don't know if he was doing it this time.
So, we have some history...but he said he didn't want a relationship, and he knew I wanted one. So months went by and we had another intimate talk. He said he still isn't ready for a relationship. He essentially knows he's going to act like a typical cancer. He said he would want to go 5 days without contacting anyone, he'd want to be able to go out and talk to as many people as he wanted to without anyone getting on his back.
Anyway, then he said he wasn't the person I thought he was. I said 'how?' and he said 'well, i've got a horrible temper...' and I laughed and said thats fine, I have a bit of a temper too. I told him how much I missed him when I went traveling, and i told him I really cared. He said "care how??" and I said "well....I want you to be happy, I really care about what happens to you and whats happening in your life-" and then he cut me off and said "No- you can't care about me like that." and I was like "what???" shocked that he didn't believe me, or maybe he was just in disbelief.
Then I told him I loved talking to him, that he had a good heart. I said I wished I could talk to him more. He said "You can talk to me whenever you like" and I said "no, because your always so picky about when we get to hang out! It has to be after work, raaandomly!" which is true. He was being very weird when it came to us hanging out. He refused to set dates and would only do it if it happened randomly. He just kind of chuckled...then I said that I couldn't help liking him even though I tried not to. I told him when I first met him I had just finished going through a lot of bulllshit with another guy, so I wasn't even thinking about liking anyone. But I saw he had a good heart and couldn't help it. He said "You know that bulllshit you went through with that guy? I'm gonna do that to you...." and I said. "You have a good heart. I know you do." then he said "I can't give you what you want...." and I don't remember what we said after that, but at some point he whispered "....we wouldn't be good together..." and I said "I think we'd be great together." and he didn't respond. He passed out shortly after that (we were in bed, at his house. It was like 5 am.), I think...I don't remember everything, LOL.
The thing he also kept saying is that he thought I was too young. Or, maybe he just said 'your really young'. I dont remember. But, the thing is, I'm only 2 years younger then him. And all the people ive ever known have said im very mature for my age. But I did also let him know that I was a virgin, and he seemed to be put off by that. Which surprised me. He said I was young in body and in mind, so I said "great....your judging me because I've never had sex before." and he said "your waiting for love....thats amazing." So I can't tell if he's put off by it or if he actually likes it. I asked if he dated older girls, and he said usually he did, yes. But then he also said the same night that he was holding himself back, and he'd held back before, and that he really wanted me. But he wouldn't take advantage of me, although I had no idea how much he wanted to.
Wow....I'm sorry that's so long. If this was any other guy, i;d just say forget it and move on. But like...this doesn't make sense with how he acts around me. He's gone through weird stages. Like, he always gives me 'meaningful stares', he acts nervous around me sometimes, at one point he even like....stopped talking to me, but would be near me?? Like, he would come sit beside me...but not say a word. We'd be out at a bar with friends, and he'd come stand beside me, from across the room....and not say anything. If I was sitting with other people, he would sit across from me instead of with me, but stare at me. Not to mention it looks like he gets jealous or upset when other guys flirt with me. if I was talking to a guy alone at a bar (he won't do this if i'm talking to someone at work, only when we're out), he'd come up to us and go "whats going on over here??". That's his line.
So...testing or not??
Test? In some ways I believe it is but I think he’s also looking more for reassurances.
Him: We wouldn’t be good together.
You: I think we would be great together
Him: I’ve got a horrible temper
You: I have a bit of a temper too
He’s throwing all these road blocks at you and you are reassuring him.
I watched an interview once with Alex Trebek and his wife. I came in through the middle of it and his wife was talking about their courtship. I don’t remember the exact words, but it went something like this –He put me through h$ll. He showed me all of his bad traits right up front. I survived through it all and what I found was at the bottom of that big box full of paper there was a smaller box, and in it I discovered the most brilliant diamond—
For some reason, those words always stuck in my head. So, I just looked it up…Alex Trebek is a Cancer.
Sounds frustrating, but I do that all the time to my about- to- be- hubby. I do it just to see if he would screw up or say something stupid then I have a reason to argue.
Sounds like he might be doing the same. He likes to test peoples nerves, I say throw it back at him, see how he reacts.
The Cancerian man in my life at the moment does the same thing. He told me that he didn't want a relationship and I was fine with that. Then he kept asking about it. I felt like he wanted me to break down and say that I wanted a relationship with him first... because he really wanted one. Once He realized that I wasn't going to do that, He became really distant and cold.
He asked me what I would do if he was here with me now then in a relationship with someone else next week... I was like wtf? I just said that I wouldnt care and I'd move on.
Being oblivious to Cancerian men since I usually date Fire, like myself, I did not realize what he was doing at the time.
Now, Im bummed. I feel like we could have had something more than what we have now if I would have paid more attention. I ended up falling for this guy.. Hard.
Cancer men seem to need very much reassurance. Maybe yours will finally break down when he is sure of you. I think we need to have a lot of patience with these Cancer men.
Aqua bubbles -Aww, thats so sweet! And kind of what I'm feeling. Like, I see the prize more and more. I know he's a super sweet person with an amazing heart. its just, he literally is putting me through helll. The scary part is not knowing if your going to get that diamond in the end. But its good to hear that story. It gives me hope
Nypheria - LOL! You have the fire version of cancer tendencies. We do it to start fights, they do it to test our resolve. We are an interesting race, humans are. But this is also reassuring. The only problem is, he's a sensitive water sign. I dont think he could handle some Aries fire power. It would probably set me back 100 steps.
mstarx - Aww man....that sucks. Yah, I didnt realize any of this crazy cancerness until I found this website, among others. That's when I started paying closer attention. It isn't over, though. You can still move forward, you just have to start reassuring him all on your own, I guess. It's so difficult for fire signs to play this game. I'm only now, after a freakin year of this business, starting to realize how I have to do things. I've only now managed to find the patience to do what I think has to be done. it essentially goes against everything in our star dna.
wow, okay, so he tells me I can 'talk to him whenever I like', but then I text him asking to go out for wings and he neglects to text me back. It's times like this where I feel like maybe I cant do this.
Ohhh Maria, he’s just warming up. He hasn’t said no outright, so there is bound to be more hurdles coming your way. Right now you can’t expect to be treated as a girlfriend, and he can’t treat you as just a friend. So what does he do? He doesn't text you back.
Just from what you’ve said here, it sounds like he has experienced jealousy in the past and he didn’t like it. There was either too much drama, or he was made to feel guilty about who he is or isn’t, and he felt confined. Being accepted for who he is, is part of what reassurances are all about and the thing is you have to be honest about it because he can always come back at you for that.
He experienced jealousy....like, his girlfriend was jealous of girls around him, or he is jealous of guys around me?
And your so right, he has avoided saying 'no'. Like, I actually asked him maybe a minute after our conversation "So...you're never going to date me?" and he didn't answer, so I looked up and his eyes were closed. It looked like he was asleep, but I'm wondering if he really was.
Ugh, the thing I hate the most about him not answering me, is what do I do now? Should I bring it up? I'm mad, do I act mad, or do I act like it doesn't bother me? I really want to spend more time with him, but he's making it completely impossible. And then he always acts like he doesn't get why I think it's so hard.
Mariaria, I think he is being as kind as he can, and truly enjoys spending some time with you, but doesn't see a real future in it. he's said it more then once , i remember your story from a few months back, . Why don't you give him a test? STOP TRYING (I had to) and if he doesn't come back with a better attitude and more appreciation for you, let him go. I went through the same thing (kind of) with my cancer until I recently refused to play the game for another day, I wasn't just saying or doing anything to manipulate him, I really was sick and tired of his S**t. He pushed me so far that I didn't even care what happened anymore, it was when I gave up on anything more then a friendship that he showed consistancy. On the same token he's NEVER told me that he didn't want a relationship or made a bucnh of bs excuses, he was good with the talk and disappered for the follow thru. I hate to be like I'm high and mighty now, just because he's been a good boy, but sometimes it's not complicated, IF he wants you, He needs to act like it or someone elese will, YOU MUST BELIEVE THAT. He is not the last cola in the dessert. There are other sweet, handsome, sensitive guys who would love to be in a relationship. Once you believe that you can do better, so will he, and he'll shape up or ship out.
Jealousy as in him having to deal with it previously from someone else: “…..he'd want to be able to go out and talk to as many people as he wanted to without anyone getting on his back.” This tells me that he felt confined in a relationship, that he couldn’t socialize freely, and that he wasn’t trusted by that someone.
If the answer is no then he will say it, not answering means he can’t say no and he’s not prepared to say yes, so he’ll pretend not to hear it or he’ll change the subject. For someone that is emotional, he feels his environment and the people around him, indifference or consistently negative emotions is the worst that you can show him. If you are going to get angry about what he didn’t do, then think about what he said…"I can't give you what you want....” Even for yourself, if someone was constantly upset with you because of something you did or didn’t do before/while you’re in a relationship, would you want it or want to stay in it? That’s not to say that you just ignore the fact that he didn’t text you back, but remember that you are not in a relationship so you have to keep it casual.
I think you should continue letting him get to know you in the environment he feels most comfortable in. For him it appears to be out with your friends. There’s nothing wrong with being friends first.
Maria, I totally agree w/ Sexygem on this one. I was married to a cancer man for 10 years. And our courtship was VERY rocky, a hot-n-cold rollercoaster. After about 6 months he dumped me, but still wanted to remain friends. Shortly afterward, I moved to another state, about 4 hrs away. We kept in touch & he even came to visit me a few times. But I started to lose hope that this relationship would ever amount to anything substantial. So I went on w/ my new life in a new city. And, wouldn't you know it, once I'd given up on him, he wanted me back--wanted me to move in with him, in fact, said that I was his soulmate, he couldn't imagine life w/o me, etc. A year later we married & the rest is history.
This an example of how the cancer man tends to operate. In the initial stages of romance they're often a pain in the ass. They seem to have a love/hate relationship w/ love. They crave it, yet @ the same time, they're terrified of being smothered. B/c they're so sensitive deep down, they put a lot of walls up. If you mange to get past those walls--& it can take a long time--you get to see what a kind, caring, thoughtful soul he is.
Think of the saying "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." Nothing could be more true of Cancer Man! You don't have to leave town, but I do think you should try NOT TRYING so hard. Because, trust me, the more you try, the more defensive that type gets. Cancer guy needs a lot of room to sort through his emotions on his own. So I suggest you remain friends, but keep enough distance from him so that he can't push your buttons--find other people/things in your life to focus on--and eventually, if you mean anything to him at all, he'll get a grip & start making an effort to win YOU over
AquaBubbles -Yeah, that makes sense. Even me, I used to find it really hard to go out with him, because he'd always be 'looking around' or talking to lots of girls while he was out. But, now it bothers me a lot less. I think it's just him. It used to make me feel really insignificant, like I wasn't attractive enough to keep his attention. But I think lately I just got sick of feeling bad, or I realized that he is just a social butterfly who needs to get to know as many people as possible, and that most of them tend to be girls. I have a lot of guy friends, too, so I guess I understand. That's a good note for something to change in my attitude.
And the rest of you guys, yah, you're right. I've found it a lot easier lately to just continue with my life without stressing over him. And my work is going to get busier so I should see him more often. It's just been really hard lately, because where I work isnt busy during the summer, so I'd only see him like....maybe once a week, but sometimes I went a month without seeing him. I think it's just that I really can see the two of us together, so I want us to be around each other more so he can see what I see. So it's frustrating, not being able to spend more time with him. But, I never thought about it was 'where he's comfortable'. I thought he was just being testy for no reason, but when you put it like that, I should probably give him a break and go with the flow. As an Aries I just find it hard for someone to be so....sensitive. But I think I'm getting better at that.
MariaRia.... RED FLAG ALERT!!!
Regarding this part of the conversation: "You know that bulllshit you went through with that guy? I'm gonna do that to you...."
I've had guys give me full up honest warnings like this before, and because I wanted to see only what I wanted to see, I've ignored it and said to myself "no... he's a really great person". Guess what? 1 year, 2 years, 3 years down the line, you might just be looking back at that moment and asking yourself why you didn't listen to that comment. I've stayed with someone after receiving similar "warnings", and ended up getting raked across the coals and treated like dirt until I wiped the dust out of my eyes and finally allowed myself to perceive what had been clearly been laid out for me, had I been willing to see it in the first place. May I suggest dating other people, getting involved with other male friendships, etc, which will help you to stop fixating on this individual who is laying it out pretty clearly for you. Best of luck to you. Be kind to yourself, first and foremost.
Yah....I've been thinking about that one, too. But, I guess the reason it didn't bother me is because I related it right back to his 'cancer tenancies'. Everything he was describing was basically what every girl on this forum was going through with their cancers. I figured he actually understood himself enough to know that if we were to start dating very soon, I would go through that rollercoster. The no text reply, the on and off hot and coldness. We're not dating so I don't feel any of those things as badly as a lot of the people on this forum. "I love you" "Wait, I need my space" "No, wait I love you" "Lets just be friends". Holy jesus, what a nightmare that must be.
Oh, sexygem -one thing to add. At one point, I did put a lot of effort into getting him. It stressed me out, to say the very least. So...I got fed up. And I stopped. Lately, I've just been kind of....going with the flow, if we go out then we go out. I haven't been making it a priority to try and talk to him at work. I just kind of do my thing. I have noticed that when I stop paying attention to him, or when I don't initiate any conversation, he will do it himself. Which is what I wanted. But maybe that's why he had such a hard time believing me when I told him how much I liked him, because recently (probably for the last few months) I haven't been showing it too much. Because it's too hard for me to do that. I do notice though, that if I avoid looking at him all night he will put extra effort into staring me down.
But lately it's been a bit different. I don't know what changed, but I've been a lot more open and friendly with him, and the same with him to me. And then all of a sudden we started hanging out again after work. Like, i hadn't hung out with him for like....maybe almost 3 months, and then suddenly we just started going out for drinks after work. Like, not just him and me, but like whoever was left over at work. But that hadn't happened for the longest time. Mainly because I gave up trying....
Anyway. I don't know what my point is....OH. I notice much better results when I show open affection. Like, saying things doesn't do anything. I can tell him I like him till im blue in the face, but it wont change our relationship. What I notice changes it is my attitude. Smiling, laughing, light touches. Mainly being comfortable with him. And then suddenly everything starts happening. He opens up and invites me over.
In some ways we should be more like men when assessing a potential mate. This is who I am, warts and all and if you can’t accept that then I am not the one for you. The problem is we forget that it was a frog that was kissed that turned into the prince and just because his appearances changed doesn’t mean he’s any different inside. So if he’s moody, crabby, needs alone time, flirts, farts, and whatever is inherent to his personality, if you expect anyone to change then yes, they will hurt you. My guy used to say to me “I am not who you think I am” in other words, take off the rose colored glasses and take a real good look, because I might not be what you want.
I'm not expecting him to change. I would love to know more of the qualities I might not like, because being surprised isn't too fun. I should have asked him to name more things, instead of letting him stop at 'i have a bad temper'. But I guess I'll find out in time, anyway.
So, out of curiosity, did he end up not being who you thought he was?
hello riverotter,wow well I certainly agree with you I am dealing with a taurus 64 and i,m 67 and he is still playing that game Last week he couldn,t take his eyes off of me, complemented me over & over walked out of his way to give me a loving gentle kiss . this has happened once a week at least for 4 months now and the rest of the week he treats me like a friend .. am I confused ??? of course at first I showed some emotion over this behavior but now I am getting used to it , but I certainly am not sure that this is the way I want my life to be,.... imagine at my age still dealing with this treatment from a man ,,,, I say GOD HELP US ALL...... I will Keep you posted Leonida
Actually, my first impression of him was very different from who he is, and maybe why I was only semi interested in him until I got to know him better. Mine comes across as very easy-going, confident, always on the move, social and flirty. He protects his inner self very well, so I only became intrigued when he started to reveal himself more and more. There were some skeletons in the closet that he told me about that no one else on this earth knows, and this was why he said I really didn’t know him.
Hmmm...this sounds so familiar, LOL. It's true, thats the same with mine -very funny and social, flirty, confident. Talks like he's the ladies man. But several times he's told me he's just messing with people and he doesn't mean it. He doesn't take that persona seriously at all. The more secrets I find out about him the more I like him. He has so many interesting facets to his personality, I love it and it's like I have an insatiable appetite for more. I just hope he keeps telling me.