he's trying to take the control BACK...cancerian men have a hard time with the balance of control - hence the emotional blackmail, manipulation, etc. a word, a color, a sound can set them off. you may never know - but telling you will relinquish the control over his emotions.

don't get me wrong, i have a my own little crabcake problems...it's just a lot easier to see it from the other side of the fence. someone wrote a thread on another site that cancerian men cause women to be psychotic. i've never been so emotional, obsessive, insecure and downright batty for any man in my life (except for my first love in high school, but that's normal). i NEVER let him see this though...and i can only imagine that he is in the same boat. it's hard to give yourself up to somebody 100%. which is why i think we all seek the love like when we had our first love - which was the only time i did it.

and in regards to the mid-season replacement? def don't turn to the guy that may have stirred all of this up to begin with. that will really drive your crab away, and cause lots of pain and unnecessary drama. crabs HATE the drama.

it sounds like he's got a serious amount of issues to work through and that he's retaliating against something. these are actions of someone who is fighting something internally that isn't ready to admit or release it. think about it.

pure deflection & emotional blackmail. i am SO sorry that you are having to go through this. he sounds really unevolved as a cancer and a man. @mariaria - she's on the money about this.

you have to rise above his immaturity and disrespect by showing your independence and strength. i know it's going to be a difficult journey internally - but don't ever let him see you sweat! it'll kill him. that i can promise you.

it's time for a mid-season replacement, even if it's just for a sec.

i'm speechless. putting up with domestic/mental abuse is dangerous! love isn't enough excuse to being battered. love doesn't hurt. don't make excuses for what is going on. put the blame where blame belongs. whatever you have done does not excuse him from his abusive behavior. domestic violence is a cycle that won't stop until you LEAVE.

don't think it won't happen again. batterers don't stop battering. they can't help it. don't take the chance that next time it won't be worse. he's escalating in his abuse. period.

and i agree wholeheartedly with elaine in that i really hope that this lets you look at things from a different point of view.

best of luck and be safe,

heather

you rock! and of course, right on the money. the dates you reference have sentimental meaning to he & i which is very interesting. and he's looking to advance his career, so moving is a probability.

shuabby, i'm a long time lurker with now a few posts under my belt. your insight into the complicated chaos that is love and the modern relationship amazes me! i'm coming to you to help me find some guidance.

this gentleman and i have known each other for about 6 years. first as business acquaintances, then friends, then more then friends. our chemistry and time together is absolutely electric. we can't get enough of each other, but i think he's feeling some trepidation before making the final plunge. i feel like he's my soul mate.

me: 6.8.74

him: 7.3.78

any guidance is welcome and MOST appreciated. thank you shuabby.

@tattoogemini - did you read my response to your last post? i was totally thinking that he has some mental issues!

@tattoogemini - it kind of sounds like he has some mental problems (like mania or bipolar disorder?) his behavior is quite erratic towards you and that can't just stem from one relationship gone bad. i wonder if he had verbal/physical abuse as a child? or if his father treated his mother that way? or perhaps his father was in the military? there is a lot of that tear you down stuff with him.

it sounds like once he gets close, he has this knee jerk deflective reaction with you. and he's got to be in total control too, always having to be the one pulling the strings.

my $.02 would be to tell you to leave him, because he is not and will not change until he recognizes this pattern of self-sabotage, deflection and abuse. get out. asap.

ok! i've been all up and down these forums trying to find a similar situation so i don't sounds like the broken record of 'my cancer man....'

reader's digest: 6yrs of knowing each other in business, always a connection, i was in a relationship but that all changed this april. we've had a roller coaster ride...he's hid in his shell several times, which i know is due to him not being able to handle his feelings. we do not see each other on a regular basis...which is totally fine with me. we're both busy and he's a homebody.

about a week ago, during one of our dates together he told me he loved me. with venus is rx, i immediately responded with 'don't say things you don't mean' rather then telling him how i really feel. i'm completely head over heels for him, but he was tipsy and i didn't want him to do exactly what he did - run.

he left the next morning and was supposed to come to a business thing of mine and texted that he wouldn't be able to make it. i called him immediately because i was disappointed and wanted to find out what the deal was - plus we made plans to hang out after the seminar. he waited like 4 rings to answer and his voice and demeanor were completely distant. i could hear it and feel it. he told me he didn't want to answer because he was afraid of how i would react. i was totally calm and told him i completely understood (we had an hour of sleep and i'm sure he was hung over). he said he was surprised by my reaction because he had already played it out in his head that i was going to completely freak out. i assured him i wasn't mad and asked if we could do it next week - he said sure and that he'd call. i even texted him after the convo to reiterate that i wasn't mad. he replied 'cool'.

sent him an email yesterday, and still have no response. fml. all of the questions are flowing around in my head....did he freak because he meant it and i didn't say it? did he freak because he said it? is he just shelling because we're getting closer? i know when things get complicated it is normal to run into the shell - but i'm here for the long haul and am not giving in or giving up.

what's next...anyone had a similar experience?

add another gem to the pot with a cancer...last monday he told me he loved me. now, i get nothing. fanbloodytastic. exactly @gem30 - when they get close to you they run. they process and examine and feel and brood until they get their emotions in check. that's when they re-emerge and start the process all over again.

@hvr

1. cancer men will more than likely NOT come back after being pushed away due to the fear/insecurity of being rejected. if he came back, there is a reason! how did you exactly push him away?

2. as a gem, we don't related to the emotional indirectness of a cancer...so it's hard to see through the mixed messages unless you know what to look for. it's all in his actions...watch him. look into his eyes.

3. cancer men do not deal well with women who are more vulnerable then they are. they need strength and confidence in a partner. it shows perseverance and patience which to them equates to love, security and trust. they must trust you, they must trust that you will be there through EVERYTHING. all of the mood swings, all of the shell time, all of it. when you react - they will run and retreat even further into their impenetrable shell.

this is a very chemical match (gem & cancer), but in order for this to endure the test of time you must yield to one another. you have to understand his need for space and his reference for time and his focus. cancer men typically follow the finance, family, romance on their scale of priorities - in that order. you will always come second or third, period. if a cancer man is not secure financially, he will not commit - because he can not provide a stable environment for his partner. they fear failure - and if they don't have stability, then they have failed.

irresistible? yes! for sure...but unless you're willing to both work at this as a PAIR and learn how to communicate with one another...you're doomed to fail. you both have to understand each other's needs and likes and dislikes. cancer's do not like confrontation - we gems can be reactionary sometimes with our silvery tongues and that will not work for them. you have to lay back, think about your response and then morph it into something he can appreciate. do you have the patience?

it's a learning curve...i'm in your boat too. there's a reason why we're all here: guidance.