Icearia...thanks for all your inspiring words! So many of the things you said are so true. Geesh, the search for self is endless. Just when I'm starting to think I understand one thing about myself, something comes along, shakes it up, and then I'm back at square one. It is life, though, and I'd rather be alive than anything else. Currently, I'm going through a divorce. My former spouse and I were very young when we got married, I was only 20. I don't think it was a huge mistake, but it was surely a lesson learned. I learned so much from being married to the man I'm divorcing, things that have made me stronger, but also how lonely I truly am. I used to tell my ex-husband how lonely I was but he didn't understand just how I could be lonely, especially since I was married to him. I don't think I blocked our love from flourishing, but he and I just couldn't connect. Like your son, I've always been the type of person that had 1 best friend that I could be myself around. When I got married, I thought my spouse would become that for me, but when it didn't happen, I started retreating into myself. Contemplation forces you to acknowledge so many things that everyday you would probably ignore. That is how painting became so important to me. It almost became an act of contemplating, or even praying for me. When I painted, I was able to mute out the world, and really delve into my soul and spirit, and bring out the thoughts that were really only between God and I. Spirituality became my companion...spirituality, for me, was promising, unlike human beings, who were proving to be less promising than expected (specifically my ex husband). I wanted to end our marriage sooner, but I found out I was pregnant January 2008 and felt forced to stay. I was really sad and felt even lonelier. I stopped painting and being creative in general. I guess I was borderline depressed because something inside me felt like I had to stay married to this man forever now. But when my son came, I felt like it was a second chance for us, our family, and I was going to give it 100%. But as time progressed, and was born, and grew and grew, I found that I WAS THE ONLY ONE GIVING 100%! I was pissed. I confronted him, and demanded from him, but for him it meant nothing! All this time I was compromising myself for lovelessness? My former spouse didn't want me for who I was, he wanted me to fit into this mold of what a wife was, a mother was, a woman was. But I don't fit into molds, and that is what I'm learning and loving about myself. As long as I'm trying to fit into a mold, or a group, or a category, or a definition, I'm not being me. So that brings me back to where I am now, loveless but free. Ultimately, the only aspect of loneliness that scares me is being loveless. I can face never going out to the bars, or never talking on the phone, or other various things that social people do, but I just can't face not being in love. And I haven't been in love for so long, I'm scared of what true love will look like, feel like, sound like. I mean, I have no clue! At the same time, this relentless loneliness that I face leads me to believe that love is not meant for me. I mean, gosh, I was married for 5 years and was never truly in love. I know what you say is true, it takes risk, it takes allowing it to happen. I call myself the self-sabotager because that's just what I do, I self -sabotage. I don't even allow for things to get risky because I'm so scared of being vulnerable. Why? Because every time I open myself up completely, someone takes out my heart, and tosses it to the side, like I'm just not worthy. It’s happened all my life, since I was a child, from my parents to my ex husband. I sometimes wish I was heartless. But anyways, enough sob story. I'm glad to have read all your inspiring and guiding words. I haven't painted in over a year. I'm in such a new place right now, but my mind is so full of ideas and dreams, and concepts, and realities. I've been drawing and writing like crazy, but I can't wait to bring them to life. I uploaded to of my older works. The first one is about self growth and understanding, detaching the self from how the world understands you, and learning how to understand self on its terms. The second one is about the same, except, its about acceptance of self, and knowing that no one in this world can determine your path, only you can. I never paint faces and most of my works include decapitated figures, and that's because what I'm trying to express have nothing to do with aesthetics. It’s more politics, if you want to call it that. In fact, I wouldn't even call it politics, I would just say its self expression, and I am expressing myself. In all my works (I say works because I sculpt too), they are self portraits. Of course, no one would know that because they don't look like me, but they are me, manifestations of me. How I feel about me. I am also a feminist, so they are extremely feminist in nature, but they're not a feminist political statement, they're just as I described before, contemplations and prayers in visual format. Well anyways, I hope you find them interesting. Talk to you soon!
Best posts made by truepiscesgal
Latest posts made by truepiscesgal
Thanks for your response. As you mentioned, helping others is extremely important to me. I've been praying for years for God to reveal my purpose to me and I believe now that its for me to be a Social Worker. I've been working in the Social Services field for some years, although my degree is in Art. I love helping people. I just signed to be a mentor to, hopefully, a high school female. As well, I want my art to help people, to bring them closer to understanding their purpose on Earth. So you are so right, everything I do involves human contact. It so perplexing. I do need to find a healthy balance. I don't know why I feel so lonely. Its a little depressing, for me. But I haven't really retreated to painting like I used to, because I have kind of lost myself these past couple years. I'm just now starting to find myself again, and I know when I start painting and mentoring, and when I go to grad school to start studying Social Work in the next year or so, I will feel better with handling my desire and resentment of loneliness.
Hi. I was responding to another post and the topic of loneliness came up. I was surprised to see another Pisces mention that she was lonely but that it was normal. I've always felt the same way that being lonely is apart of whom I am, just like my love for music, or sci-fi movies, its just one of my traits. But I didn't know that it was common thing. I've written a lot of poems, and contemplated a great deal on this issue of loneliness. There is a bittersweet duality that exists in the concept of loneliness for me...as much as I need it, I hate it. As much as I desire to flee from it, I retreat to it. It’s like a beast that I'm afraid of and in love with at the same time. It’s a gift because I can use it to protect me from others who I become vulnerable with, and eventually get hurt by, but it’s a curse because my relentless desire for human love and connection is never achieved. AHHHH! So anyways, I always thought this was just a personal issue that I had but seeing another Pisces mention it has made me wonder how many other Pisces feel this way. Is this a common trait found in Pisces? How do other people feel about it?
RE: All Things Pisces
I agree with you 100% Margefarrish. I've always been a vibrant and creative person for as long as I remember. Since I've been an adult, painting, sculpting, and writing have been my passions. I used to paint or be working on a painting all the time, especially when I was in college...I was full of this desire to express and be free. I got married when I was 20 and my spouse and I were often apart due to disagreements and such, but that was when I was most free. Then he and I started living together again when I was about 24 and my inspiration became stifled. Then I found out I was pregnant in Jan 2008 and I lost all inspiration and started feeling extremely lonely, especially when my son was born. I expressed to my spouse this utter lonely feeling but he didn't get it or didn't care. Fast forward to now, and he and I are divorcing. I couldn't be any happier. But I'm still struggling with finding purpose and inspiration. And I've almost come to terms with loneliness as a companion. It’s so interesting to see what you wrote about being lonely, and what loneliness offers you. Loneliness does offer protection against all the things that other people could do to you. When it’s just you, you don't have to worry about being vulnerable which I'm sure is a relatable Pisces characteristic. But there is a sadness that comes with being lonely...I often feel like I want to connect with people but they just don't understand me or don't care to understand me...its almost like everyone has a special something that I don't have, and I'm out of the loop for some reason. Oh well. But as I’m finding freedom again, I am slowly becoming motivated. I've been writing a lot about how I feel about my current life situation. As well, I've recently signed up to mentor a young person, and I am very excited about that. I am slowly refinding myself, or refinding the new in me, and its always fun but it can be tricky. I think Pisces think more than anything. I can sit and think and be lost in my thoughts. I could probably fill up a whole notebook with all the things I think about, just the concepts that is (perhaps I will start doing that), but the point is we are very intense people with intense emotions and sometimes it’s hard for us to go with the flow like other people. But I think we're the most important of the zodiac because we think and feel things that others may ignore. That recognition is more important than anything.