Wow, thank you so much!!! I never expected you to put so much time into it, and I really appreciate it.
This was totally accurate. I will have to go back and reread over a period of time to really absorb everything you are saying. Thank you again.
One thing this brought up is that I had a sibling who passed away when I was young, and I ended up facing it more or less alone, putting on a brave face. What I really wanted to do was freak out and have the grownups reassure me everything was okay. You are right, there is this trust/fear issue, like life itself is uncertain, and there's nobody there to protect you.
It's hard to know exactly what's wrong with your perspective on the world if you've felt that way as long as you can remember... So again, thank you very much for your incredibly helpful insights. I'll go put them to the best use I can! <3<3<3