Hi Mardeep , Thank you so much to share your experience I greatly appreciate it.
I understand completely what you are saying as it similar to my own experience especially the part you said: you have let yourself down,
It's funny, I took the decision to leave my abusive parents at age 10 and I did well since, I thought I was standing up for myself in way I was but all around me nobody gave me any recognition at all even now
Only my therapist 
At home my parents won’t speak to me if they do they are verbally abusive toward me.
Very quickly in my little 8 years head I believe I deserved better then the life and parents I had
I can’t explain what made me be that way but I left my parents, find a job and a place at 10 years old
I been alone most of my life and it was fine
Eckhart Tolle “the power of now” I discovered his book at age 23 in 2003 and listen to his voice each morning since
For some reason I feel not the same and there is a peace in me , despite all issues i get right now
The issues started when i lost my job and rented my home, this open door to serious conflict situation for me
I didn’t predict to get attack, bullied, taken to court and police involved by renting my home to people but it did
I felt trapped as i couldn’t stop renting my house
If i stop i loss my home and be homeless and i have no friends and family that can help me if this happen
I did well most my life, moved to foreign country, learned a new language started working as cleaner then a nurse then in bank as analyst learned all on my own I did not go to university only home learning
I was earning 20,000 week crazy money but the more i was going up the more the people i called friends left my life
My parents no longer speak to me as i refused to give them money, i use to pay everything for them but i couldn’t afford it anymore as i didn’t have a job
Still i was smart enough to see the situation coming and when i brought my home planned if something happen with my job i rent my rooms
but this when the nightmare happen
For 3 long years impossible to get back to a proper job i had some job there and then but nothing long enough for me to change my mortgage for a cheaper one or to live without tenant
The tenants think i am full of cash as my home is stunning, the pride of my life
[ I decorated the place myself and it seem I have some gift in interior designer] they don’t know my situation
A new bread of people rise up in year 2012 people that go around having also they own financial difficulty looking for rent free or something
Anyway i got judge by my neighbor, everyone
I started to develop fear, anxiety, felt helpless and so scared
This year [ i am snake so feel it’s my year ahahah] i feel much stronger to deal with situation,
It’s funny but I STOP responding and feeding my own need of drama and fights inside and calm it down
I feel less attack toward myself and somehow despite that outside people still attacking me and intimidate
This no longer affects me inside
I have Surrender to whatever outcome will come, there is a chance i get big issue with the law maybe to prison because so many people have reported me
But i feel i have nothing to blame myself for and whatever happen i welcome it
The report of the tenants are always around their deposit money but most of them sign up for 3 months then didn’t like something and demand their money on the same day and that’s not possible
I use to give in but I started to hold them to what they sign and that’s when problem happen for me
Despite when I go to court the judge understands this still having anxiety didn’t help me sometimes to give voice to the situation
I am tired to be fearful, it;s not who i am
I started badly with home renting it's a job you need to learn to control yourself a bite
i most say the whole bad experience have made me more peaceful, not stronger but peaceful
About letting go, well i do not feel this is the lesson i need to learn here
My lesson is to [Trust myself] somehow i was able to trust myself at age 10 but lost it somehow
Fear was driving my life; Fear can grow in you like a vicious cancer
I realize during my life through i think because no one gave me feedback that i was doing well, i know it can sound not right but if a child never heard this kind encouragement it can be a problem
Anyway i didn’t have this and still don’t have it in my life but i realize i was taking myself for granted
i was not noticing myself my own achievement and how far i came from
I took all of it for granted
And yes somehow I deserved to be where i was as my attitude wasn’t good and i was taking myself for granted more then anyone
Around me people see me like a very strong woman that doesn’t need support or feedback
People sucking to me as they thought i didn’t need any from them
I am an Aquarius and what do you hear about Aquarius???? Well they help people they are the humanitarian signs
So you help and help and help
Aquarius seem to attracted desperate case and lost cause, they invest a lot and can drain themselves out
I learned to have boundaries in my life and it's a great thing to learn as if you are a person that give and give and give no stop
Chance is you are not giving to yourself and you are not helping yourself
Last week with my Therapist i open my eyes there is a conflict in me with the child, the adult and someone else called the "Mocker" I thought that the” Mocker" was my inner child but no my inner child been protecting me
I believe now this conflict is going to balance himself as i am now aware of it
I wasn’t aware of it at all
I had issue all my life with situation like: someone says something to me during the day and i agree or do something or don’t do anything then i go to bed and the situation repeat and repeat himsef in my sleep
Then i walk up in morning and tell the person exactly what i feel about them or the previous situation
Then i feel good
For me this is ok but for the person in front of me they think i am nuts and hypocrite ahahah
This happen a lot in my life and i never really gave too much notice to it but now i realize this is the conflict inside of me
Someone in me want to be good and helpful, beloved and be accepted at all cost [this is not safe for me by the way]
But another person in me, scream, go away!!! You don’t need validation from nobody, and this person you trying to get love from doesn’t love you or himself for that matter, get out get out now
Usually the second person win but after a long period of pain because my first person trying to save this person that is not worth it
I haven’t find the solution yet but i know now this issue is expose at day light and a balance will be as those voices in me have a reason to exist in me i need to find a balance with myself about it
I realize few months ago i wanted to be in relationship ahahah looking for salvation in relationship ahaha its kind funny ahahah
I realize the reason i wanted a relationship was to feel safe but what I find is abusive, unavailable, no trust men ahahah
That’s because inside i wasn’t interested by them really i just wanted someone to fill my day, make me feel better, protect me [Go ahead fight those tenants for me ahahah]
Anyway the attention was personal, not genuine, not from love but personal gain
So yes when you feeling afraid, low ahaha what the solution go into a relationship ahahha
Lucky enough for me I found no one [No men] that took my generous offer to take my problems and insecurity on board ahahah
So I had to face my problems on my own and learn and I am so grateful for it really