Grace bless you my friend! i can relate to how you are be feeling, when i lost my dad over 30 yrs ago i blamed God and had no understanding of spirituality, i was ill with depression at the time Dad left us. I tried to take my own life to be with him. When i was in the mental health hospital after a few days i had a major breakthrough and i guess had help from either God, the Angels or Dad which one helped i'm not certain, although it may have been all of them thinking back.
If you can bare with my i will tell you my story about it. I went to bed in the ward, when i looked around all the other paients looked as if they were sat up in bed but dead, (bless them they were all fast asleep), i got very scared and ran out, i spoke to a lovely nurse and she assured me i was so tired that my mind was playing tricks with me. I went back to bed and the same happened again, so i ran out again. I sat and spoke to the night staff for a long time, but in the end had to go back and try to sleep.
I got into bed and started to pray something i had not done for a long time, i prayed deep from my heart and cried so much, but i did eventually go to sleep and slept for a few hours, which i had not been able to do for ages.
When i woke i felt different, lighter somehow , so much so i went into my draw and took out a photograph of my Dad and kissed it, now to cut a long story shorter the day before my husband had brought me a few photographs to the hospital, i had not been able to look at Dads photo, it was myself and him in my wedding, anyway i kissed the photo and felt a great sence of peace, remarkable really from the previous night and weeks prior to that.
That day i went to the Therapy class and did a bit of drawing. I drew a wonderful coloured picture with tree's, plants, and flowers. Then i found myself drawing a long flight of stairs. Ok i thought what does this mean, why did i draw this? i now feel i was lead to do it. I went to lunch but i knew this drawing was not finished, but not sure why or what was missing.
When i came back from lunch i sat for ages just looking at it, wondering why i felt it was not finished, suddenly i had a flash of inspiration and drew a open gate at the top of the stairs and wrote the words welcome on the step in front of the gate.
I was proud of that picture even though i wasn't very good at Art. The point was i let me Dad go and allowed him to move on, which helped me so much, only a few days later i was allowed home feeling much better.
I cant explain exactly what happened, but i knew deep down i had help that night, and it was the most wonderful feeling of peace when i woke up. blessings and i hope my story may be of help in some way. Sorry it is so long and thankyou to those who managed to read to the end, if it helps anyone then it was worth typing it out and sharing with you, and of course i am proud of it all as well.
Funny thing is it was only 3 years ago i started to learn about spirituality and started on my spiritual path. love and light xx Soulpurpose xx