UPDAT*E

Well, I finally got the answers I have been searching for. It was all in my head. The way he sees it we were only friends. He has a beautiful family and his woman is a great mom, and he's never been happier. He feels like he is a lucky man. I wished him well, and accepted responsibility for my own pain. Some will probably feel like I deserve this. And please believe that I agree. I deserve this because I should never have resumed contact with him to begin with. Now I have been set straight by him, there is no choice but to move on. There is no more hope, I didn't ask for any, and won't beg. Now how do I not fall apart completely? The interaction with him made me aware of my unhappiness in my present life, and despite knowing I need counseling, I don't know how to move on and find my own happiness. I don't want to give anymore energy to this situation. I just wanted to share this with you, AstraAngel, Watergirl and Blmoon because of all the help you've given me. All I can say, is that you were right. Perhaps this is the justice seen in the cards? Anyway, thank you!

Bloom, thank you for your insights! I really do appreciate your time and the guidance offered!

Hi, everyone!

Nothing new to report. I do come back an reread the posts on this thread so that I can continue to follow the advice that was so kindly given to me by AstraAngel, Watergirl18 and Blmoon. It all makes sense and I am trying to make the application to myself.

As I read the messages today, I felt the need to make an additional reply to some of what was said previously. When I mentioned the pain I heard in his voice about the past, I think the response was that I was misreading him. Now, this may sound like justification on my part, and maybe it is, but I am not the one who brings up the past, he is. I made my initial apology very early on, and he said he had moved on from that and forgiven me long ago. Yet, he continues to bring up the past, and says what I did not allow to happen between us. He talks about what could have been had I stayed with him. He's even said how he believes his life could have been different with me in it, how he could have done so much more (and by most estimations, he has achieved what can be considered at least career success). I hear the pain when HE brings up this subject. In actually, I try to stay clear of the past. I show no jealousy about his current relationship. I ask no questions, unless he divulges intimate details about HER. HE shares his feelings about HER, without my prompting. HE has revealed that HE does not love HER or really wants to be with HER, but for the child. I asked him about his feelings for me, only because HE called me almost out of the blue(when I was at the point of giving up any hope of him) and immediately started sharing intimate details about his life. The tone of his conversation was that he would be with me but for this current situation. I can imagine that I may have come off to many reading my posts as possibly a deranged stalker chasing after this man. I keep a respectful distance. Yes there has been the infrequent email or text from (maybe every few months since this whole thing started). But he has done the very same. Short of revealing all the dialogue that's transpired between us, he has been a willing participant in this situation. I tell him repeatedly to tell me that this isn't what he wants, but he keeps the connection open. He contacts me, and I start hoping all over again. I have just been trying to make sense of what is happening, because after these exchanges, he disappears.

I know I must let go, Last month I had a general reading just to get a sense of where my life was heading. That reading was surprisingly very positive. In it I had 3 aces, wands, cups and pentacles, I was the page of wands, my outcome was the hanged man and the advice was 2 of pentacles. My reader said that I was to be positive about the future, and if I did so that I would have everything I had hoped for.

Right now, I have gone cold turkey, no new readings. I am listening to the guidance given above. I am determined not to initiate any contact with HIM (about a month now since our last exchange). It's only the beginning, but I am trying to work on myself. I know the tone of this post is somewhat defensive, but it's important for me to let you all know that I'm not as delusional as some might think. At the very least, maybe what I have misinterpreted from him is a desire to be serious. But this has not been one sided. I am very strongly intuitive. Maybe not psychic as some here, but my hunches most of my life have often been correct. I even wonder if I have empath abilities, because of how strongly I can sometimes feel the energy of others and correctly know things about them. I cannot read accurately for myself, but I do believe and feel strongly, that he has kept this connection alive as well all this time(I may have concrete evidence of this that he is unaware that I have knowledge of).

Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this and for all the help I have received on this board!

Blmoon, thank you for taking the time to offer your guidance in my situation. You will never know how much I appreciate your kindness.

Everything you've said is pretty much true. The only exception is that it's not my husband, but the other man who I believe shares the same wound. I have always been honest with them both about who I am. My husband has respected the damaged areas of myself, so he's respected the distance I have kept him at all these years. I think the other man most likely forgot what I had shared. But in him, I know, and can feel that the same thing exists. This, too, is part of the attraction. I feel as if we are kindred spirits. I can feel his pain, and not just what I believed I had inflicted on him, but from his own childhood. I can sense his weakness, and his determination to keep hold on his sanity. When, either you or watergirl18 suggested that I be vulnerable to him, my first thought was that there's no way I can allow that. You're right, I don't trust love, I crave it, but I don't trust it. This may be due to a childhood spent being told that I was not loveable, through no fault of my own. In fact, the renewed contact with the other man lead me on a journey of self-discovery. I know that therapy is necessary, I've been told that many times before. I know that I will get through this, as I have other things in the past. If nothing else, I am definitely a survivor. I have made the decision to go cold turkey, no contact with the other man. No contact is the easy part, since he's not exactly trying to breakdown my door. It's the thoughts that I must work on. Maybe it's too soon to tell, but today thoughts of him have brought me no comfort. I have lived in a fantasy world all my life. I can only cope with reality when I am able to look forward to what I believe maybe better. I see now how that's what I've done with this situation. I have kept him alive all these years to cope with the life I chose for myself. I will be ok, I have to be. I will work on myself. Thank you so much for your time and help with this!!!!!!

Thank you, watergirl18! Makes sense!

Wanted to add...yes, I am always alone even surrounded by others. Maybe I will always be alone and unable to feel. That's the attraction. ..he makes me feel again.

Blmoon, thank you! I just realized you posted earlier. It was early and I couldn't see clearly, but thank you for your time and guidance. Again, everything you said about is so right. The husband is wonderful and loves me to death. He is in reality most women's dream, handsome, successful and faithful. The other man while justas handsome, is a question mark. On paper everything I do know about him tells me to run. The choice many years ago was between the 2 men. I chose safety and security at a young age. I knew then as if guided by invisible forces that the other man and I would destroy each other. Everything he's shown me thus far lead me to believe I made the right choice. But the right choice has left me empty and dead inside. It was stability at the cost of true happiness, passion and my sense of self. The contact with the Cancer reawakened everything I thought had died long ago. I am me agin with him, despite the distance between us. We are so alike in so many ways. This may have been the danger I saw years ago. I don't know where I go from here, how to move on. I feel trapped by my teenaged choices. Any advice...anyone? I know I must learn to love myself, but homestl don't know how or where to begin. Blmoon, you were accurate about the childhood as well. I just feel lost. I do see how he is not the answer, and I can let go, but then what?

Thank you for all the help and allowing me to vent!

Oops. ...anyway. ..I just want to say thank you for the guidance. It is very much appreciated, Watergirl!

Thank you Watergirl! Everything you've said is accurate. I can't even begin to answer the questions you posed. That should tell me that I need to walk away. I think for years I have expected Karma to be a factor because of my own guilt. Believe it or not, it's something I have kept alive all this time. Then when I finally made the opportunity to set it right, I let myself believe that I could try again with him...make different choices...go back and relive my life. Maybe he played along...short of him telling me that. ..I know I may never know. I know all of this is crazy to those who have never experienced this, but there are others like me who try to relive the past with old flames. You would truly be surprised. Sometimes it works...not usually in under my circumstances, but it's not that farfetched. There's a lot about his part in this I have not disclosed. But, of course, he is a man and I know the game is often played differently and with different objectives

Thank you so much AstraAngel!

That was the information I have been searching for...his frame of mind and his true feelings. Interesting...I read somewhere that the high priestess can mean that a woman will provide hidden knowledge...hahaha. I see that's accurate. Defenitely not what I was hoping to hear arbut welcomed nonetheless. You are so right about the whole Scorpio intensity thing. I don't think I know how to be anything but intense. Also there's always that need for deep probing and analyzing. He's a Cancer so I am learning that my ways don't play well with him most likely. Of course there's so much that I haven't shared on this very public forum. I say thst to say that I've given him every opportunity to walk away but he continues the connection. Which in turn allowed me to hope. What your insight has provided was much needed clarity. So thank you once again. Your thoughts on this is very much appreciated! !!