Nothing new to report. I do come back an reread the posts on this thread so that I can continue to follow the advice that was so kindly given to me by AstraAngel, Watergirl18 and Blmoon. It all makes sense and I am trying to make the application to myself.
As I read the messages today, I felt the need to make an additional reply to some of what was said previously. When I mentioned the pain I heard in his voice about the past, I think the response was that I was misreading him. Now, this may sound like justification on my part, and maybe it is, but I am not the one who brings up the past, he is. I made my initial apology very early on, and he said he had moved on from that and forgiven me long ago. Yet, he continues to bring up the past, and says what I did not allow to happen between us. He talks about what could have been had I stayed with him. He's even said how he believes his life could have been different with me in it, how he could have done so much more (and by most estimations, he has achieved what can be considered at least career success). I hear the pain when HE brings up this subject. In actually, I try to stay clear of the past. I show no jealousy about his current relationship. I ask no questions, unless he divulges intimate details about HER. HE shares his feelings about HER, without my prompting. HE has revealed that HE does not love HER or really wants to be with HER, but for the child. I asked him about his feelings for me, only because HE called me almost out of the blue(when I was at the point of giving up any hope of him) and immediately started sharing intimate details about his life. The tone of his conversation was that he would be with me but for this current situation. I can imagine that I may have come off to many reading my posts as possibly a deranged stalker chasing after this man. I keep a respectful distance. Yes there has been the infrequent email or text from (maybe every few months since this whole thing started). But he has done the very same. Short of revealing all the dialogue that's transpired between us, he has been a willing participant in this situation. I tell him repeatedly to tell me that this isn't what he wants, but he keeps the connection open. He contacts me, and I start hoping all over again. I have just been trying to make sense of what is happening, because after these exchanges, he disappears.
I know I must let go, Last month I had a general reading just to get a sense of where my life was heading. That reading was surprisingly very positive. In it I had 3 aces, wands, cups and pentacles, I was the page of wands, my outcome was the hanged man and the advice was 2 of pentacles. My reader said that I was to be positive about the future, and if I did so that I would have everything I had hoped for.
Right now, I have gone cold turkey, no new readings. I am listening to the guidance given above. I am determined not to initiate any contact with HIM (about a month now since our last exchange). It's only the beginning, but I am trying to work on myself. I know the tone of this post is somewhat defensive, but it's important for me to let you all know that I'm not as delusional as some might think. At the very least, maybe what I have misinterpreted from him is a desire to be serious. But this has not been one sided. I am very strongly intuitive. Maybe not psychic as some here, but my hunches most of my life have often been correct. I even wonder if I have empath abilities, because of how strongly I can sometimes feel the energy of others and correctly know things about them. I cannot read accurately for myself, but I do believe and feel strongly, that he has kept this connection alive as well all this time(I may have concrete evidence of this that he is unaware that I have knowledge of).
Once again, thank you for taking the time to read this and for all the help I have received on this board!