Good afternoon! This is my first post here although I've been an observer for some time now. I appreciate the feedback/advice given and hope you can offer some on an issue I have. Sorry for the length but want to give background since it's my first post here.
Background: I'm a Sag with my moon in Aquarius, Gemini rising and my Venus in Capricorn. He is a Cancer with his moon in Leo, Libra rising and his Venus in Cancer. We met on a social networking site almost 2 mos ago with our first face-to-face meeting planned for Mid-Jan following the holidays (We live in diff states but only about 100 miles from each other). Both of us had been married once. He's had a few bad relationships and carries a lot of guilt still from them. He has a very strained relationship with his parents. This info is very relevant to the issue at hand today.
We met online and immediately there was a connection on both ends. It's inexplicable really, and trust me I'm a cynic when it comes to online relationships. I'm on those sites for friends only so it really threw me when I felt something more with him from the start! But trust me, he fell a lot faster than me! He was gushing with emotion - it was so sweet. And I could tell...very heartfelt & sincere. Certainly by now I can smell the BS lines. Not him at all - 100% falling. I was the more reserved one. We would exchange messages online daily. I would leave him notes before I went to bed and he would send the morning messages. We'd be online throughout the day and again in the evening before bed. I finally gave him my phone number about 1 month in but neither one of us are phone talkers so we really hadn't planned to be spending a huge amount of time on it. So we had our additional way of communication offline.
Things progressed with both of us falling more and more each day. He had never felt so supported & loved by a woman. I had taken an interest in his biggest passions as a few were mine too. And I had never had such sweet, kind gestures done for me. He called me his angel he had been praying for - for 30 yrs and God finally sent me to him.I was shocked! And I said - but you were married for a long time...she wasn't your angel? And his response was no...I've never felt for anyone what I do for you. It sounds so illogical to tell this story as we hadn't even spent time together - so only we really know that connection and we really couldn't put it into words. He finally told me he loved me about 3 wks ago and I felt the same way and reciprocated the sentiment. And from that point we've said "I love you" everyday - and with all communications throughout the day. And he's the first one to make a joke that he's telling a woman he loves her before he's even kissed her. Of course thinking it was funny, said "yeah what if I'm a bad kisser?" And his sweet response was "it wouldn't matter if you were...I'd have a lifetime to work with you.";) We'd had the conversations already - do you see yourself marrying again, kids etc. Honestly, from things he was saying, I half expected him to propose during our first weekend together.
It's a lot of background, but I just wanted to give enough to illustrate that behaviors & actions were absolutely sincere. There was no mistaking how either of us felt about the other.Both of us were consistent with our words & actions and knew how the other felt. Well, almost consistent - communication on his end was an issue on occasion for which I'll explain and from what I've been reading is a typical cancer pattern. I only wish I knew that before this past weekend.
Now the issue: A few times last week, he'd say he'd be coming online in an hour or later- then no show. He has a lot of drama at home with a roommate who has kids so I just figured something flared up at home or internet trouble etc. It didn't have me worked up. He'd forgive profusely afterward and was shocked that I was still talking to him. I reassured him that it takes more than that to get me upset - that if he wasn't where he should be there was be a good reason for it and I'd hear from him when he could again communicate. I explained to him my time as a military wife taught me that and I guess I continued that theory even after. I could go weeks without hearing so couldn't get worked up after one evening. So easily forgiven - though not much to forgive in my eyes, but he was still speechless that I hadn't tossed him out for it. Hmm now I'm wondering if the first time was an accident, but the 2nd time wasn't actually a test?
So after work Friday and after his errands he sends me a cute text saying he's thinking about me and wishing we were together. I responded and we exchanged a few more mssgs after that. We were both having a later dinner but he said he'd be online in about an hour. So that hour came and went...nothing. Now as I explained, I don't get worked up for missing a time, but this time I knew he was there, we were communicating, he voluntarily said he'd be there. So this time...I was peeved. I did was send one text "Hey lol?" about 1 hr after he said he'd be on. Then 1 more hr passes and I knew he was in bed so I left a voicemail that I hope everything was ok and I'd talk to him Saturday. My Birthday was Sunday so I knew we'd at least be talking over the weekend.
Saturday morning comes and goes and I was wondering what was going on...after all I had left a voicemail and now I was beginning to worry. I sent one more text about noon which said "is everything ok?".Then about two hours later I received a reply that said "I'm in xxx doing Christmas with my folks. I love you!" Ok, so that one shocked me. How could I not know he was celebrating Christmas last wkend - one he had to travel a few hrs for". So in my Sag passion, prideful way, I was irritated by this point. I felt totally in the dark. And without any clarification about how long he would be there...I thought my birthday would come and go without him. So now I was hurt. I went about my day - didn't respond to his text until 11:30 that night - clearly past his bedtime - when it appeared I wouldn't be hearing anything more. I sent a text which I now regret but I was hurt and have no other explanation for it. I thanked him for the "drive by" message and said that no clearly isn't love and I'm not a toy to pick up and play when he feels like it.
So there you go...irrational...insensitive...stupid.... I knew he loved me. I just felt forgotten on my
birthday weekend and still no explanation from the night before. My flash temper/Sag passion took over and I made a huge mistake! Well unbeknownst to me he had come online (which shocked me as I was sure he was in bed) and updated his status to indicate what a horrible time with family he had and they ruined his Christmas. And all I thought was...oh no...he's going to get my text and he's had an awful day. And sure enough...the next status post was that the day just got better and thanks for the stab in the back and knife through the heart. Obviously directed at me.
I looked at my messages and he had sent me one just letting me have it up and down the railroad. Another "drive by" of sorts because after firing a few messages off at me he got offline and that was it! In the few replies I managed to get in, I asked if I could call. Said I wanted to talk...but no the passive-aggressive emails kept flying then he cut me off. He felt I was just going to spend time telling him how horrible he was which wasn't the case at all...I wanted to apologize. I tried his phone and he let it go to voicemail. I left a message.
What I didn't know about his visit (because he never told me until railing on me in the message) was that he was telling his parents about me. AND that they were celebrating Christmas early because he asked them to move it for me?!? And he was berated by them and he told them off. I was stunned! First of all, we never had a single discussion Christmas plans. He was clearly making an assumption with that. Secondly I would have never expected to spend a holiday together without meeting face to face first. And thirdly, I could totally understand why his parents were upset. So now...his lack of communication and everything that happened that day with his family had become my fault.
I felt about 1 inch tall. I knew he was in so much pain and alone (because I've received enough family background) and I couldn't do anything to help. He said I didn't give him a chance to explain. What chance did I ever think...he went to his parents for Christmas. He didn't say "i'll explain later" in the text. I had no idea there was a backstory coming. Here are excerpts from his final message to me as I think it speaks volumes of his past and his cancer tendencies: he believes everyone eventually leaves. He took this whole thing and basically said I'm getting what I want and just go! Here's excerpts from his final note:
"People don't use "you don't know what love is" to someone they love. Just finish it, okay? Just twist it deeper and get it over with so the pain won't last for years, okay?? You wanted out - you've got your "out." You want me to say it? Okay - I'm stupid, I suck, I'm thoughtless, I'm insensitive ... nevermind the 2 hours spent over 3 days on your special Birthday message and the fact I was going to make sure I was online for as much of it as you could handle or as much as you could fit in -- totally rearranged Christmas w/ my ^&-up family for you & found a sub for tomorrow-- because it was a special day for someone that thinks now I don't have a F&*( clue what love is and never loved her. Yea sure I want to talk so I can feel like the spitwad beneath your high heeled shoe! You said all that needs to be said - you made up your mind. This weekend sucks now. I finally open my heart and soul and give it away after almost a decade of keeping it locked away and for what? So my family can tell me I am the biggest idiot at Christmas-time and berate me for hours about moving Christmas just because of some woman I met online ... and then the very same person I did all these things for rips my heart out and stomps on it. And now you want to talk after it's lying on the floor in billions of pieces? Perhaps you should have thought about that before you flashed off that nasty hurtful message ... then tried to talk this out!"
So this obviously makes me look like one heartless woman. And I'm not at all. I have a big, giving & forgiving heart. But I made an obvious mistake. One thing he fails to take ownership for is the fact that for the entire week prior, I had been trying to arrange a phone call - which for whatever reason on his end didn't happen. I was trying to talk. So as far as not having the chance to explain - he had plenty of time if he wanted to clue me in ahead of time. He interpreted my mometary question of love (which was a HUGE mistake and I know he does. I was a fool) as my wanting out. He couldn't be more wrong. I'm being punished now and I'm not sure what to do.
I sent him an email on Sunday (my Birthday) apologizing and asking for a chance to talk. I couldn't believe he would cut me off cold without a chance to resolve this conflict. This has never happened before. I was compassionate in my apology but also stood my ground. I reaffirmed my love. And I explained my text (not looking to excuse it) since I didn't get to do it in person. I said I was sorry for my part in the mayhem...but I didn't deserve all of that. I said I would only be leaving if he tells me to go - and he has to own that. I'm very much here. And I'm not leaving because he's TELLING me that I've left. I own my feelings!! He needs to own his.I think I got the railing he wished he would have given his parents.I'm torn because I'm so hurt right now but angry that my voice has been taken from me. And I feel like he's proving my point...I foolishly questioned for a moment his love...but now it almost seems like he's proving my poing with his behavior.Can you love someone and not give them a chance to even speak? Could you cast someone out that easily for good? He made a statement once when I was crabby and he started giving crabby back to me that he can dish it out as well as he takes it. I can't help but wonder if he's trying to make me pay with the silence as he knows I'm a talker and the silence is killing me!
I sent an email yesterday explaining that I understand his anger and just reaffirming I'm still here. Last night I sent a text which just said "I've sent several mssgs apologizing and the silent treatment is really hurting me. What do you want?" I think I deserve to know if he's walked away. No response yet to the text. That was my last attempt for now. I'm going to give him space to process but I need to strike the balance btw space and my not leaving. I think he's deeply injured and I'm in so much pain because of that. I think this could be another test. The whole rant was "letting me off the hook." For some reason, he's not revealing what he wants?Does he want me gone? I don't believe that's at all what he wants...and certainly not what I want, so I need to find a way to get him to see that everyone doesn't leave, while still being very much the independent, strong woman he fell in love with. He's been waiting to give his heart away. He wants a relationship ...this I'm certain of.
I'm good about listening to my gut when it comes to men...and right now it's telling me he's still here. You can see he tossed it all off on me and conveniently never said how he felt. I think the fact that he didn't say goodbye is the tale. He still has me as a friend on the site - still in the #1 spot. I honestly think if he was done he'd block me. I think Saturday was overload for him (he's extremely emotionally fragile by his own admission), he already hates the Holidays's and now he's retreated into his shell. He's a video gamer and has also admitted it's how he escapes and takes out his aggressions.
Help me please I'm looking for outside eyes who have experience with cancer males to weigh in with advice/feedback. I had a long marriage to a Taurus and a dated a Libra...but this is my first Cancer so please help!!! I'm so deeply hurt right now for the pain I caused someone I love and who in my heart knows he loves me. I've told him before that when I hurt someone, you can be certain it's hurting me deeper. On the site we're on, he has me in his family as 3 things : the other half of his soul, god's gift to him, and his heaven-sent angel. Obviously there is a deep connection we've both felt. I'm hoping he doesn't stay in his pity party thinking his destiny is that bad luck follows him and this is another case of it. He makes comments and did in a different message that night that he knew he was never good enough for me. That couldn't be further from the truth and I wish he could see what I see. I may have lost the man I love over one stupid thing I said. Earlier in the week I showed him how I'm able to forgive and love through it. I just hope he finds it in his heart to forgive me. He knows I love him. I think he's been waiting for the shot to fire these things at me as a part of his self-fulfilling prophecy that "everyone leaves". It doesn't work out with everyone so yes, some people will leave you. But at this point people leave him probably when he cuts them off cold! What else can they do? Somehow I have to show him it doesn't have to be that way. I just don't know how to do this when I've been silenced.
Thank you for your time. I know this was really long and I sincerely appreciate any advice!