Boyfriend of 3 yrs--living with him for the last 2. I traveled back and forth (4 hr.drive) 2 times a month for work. (self-employed) The last yr. I was with him 17 days and back at my apt. for 5, then with him for 17. All my furniture after a divorce was at his home--basically I made his home "ours". I painted, wallpapered, stained and varnished woodwork, helped make a fireplace, a bar (my design and idea) etc. etc. Plus outside, planted over 150 hostas and loads of other flowers and bushes. We were to be married after we had dated 6 months and he said I could move in.
We had our ups and down. He's laid back, I'm the pursuer, and a clinger--but didn't realize my dangerous tendencies until to late. I was also moody and very emotional. He avoids confrontations at all costs--withdraws. He said people should be happy 99% of the time. I say "Good Luck!"
He finally bought the engagement ring last Oct. But never proposed. Had issues about it around Val. day. He said maybe we rushed things. WHAT! So I bought books on how to restore our relationship. I thought they were working. But in May a son from prison moved in, and in June an emotionally defiant son with 2 small children moved back home. (kicked out by g/f) But our relationship was better--or so I thought.
June 23--our 3 year ann. we went away for 3 days. Had a fantastic time. He left for a golf outing with the boys. Met another woman. We went for a 5 day vacation over the 4th of July. He proposed to me on July5. Now he had hinted he was going to propose--so I knew it was comming. But I pressured him in the beginning of June about it.
So on his birthday 7/29/56 before the party, we got in a big fight. Long story. What he did was wrong I feel, but as usual, I over-reacted--badly. Caused a scene, and claimed I was leaving. He said ma;ybe that would be good if I left for 3 wks. WHAT!! Never had been broke up before. I said I wasn't leaving until I was scheduled to leave, 12 days from then. So HE left. Never did that before....came to get clothes for work, etc. I cried.
Aug. 5, it dawned on me he must have another woman. Ipaid for his cell. Looked at records. Yep, he met her the week before he proposed-he even called her from my mom and dads home during the 4th, the night before he proposed. I called his work...he wasn't working that night, BUSTED!
Aug. and until Sept. 26, I never went 2 wks. with out seeing him. at first I told him I would forgive him but he had to quit seeing her. He said o.k., but never quit. Pretty soon, I WAS THE AFFAIR, and he was calling her when I was at his home. I was doing everything to keep him. He kept saying, I'm just not sure yet. Give me a little more time. I love you, not her. The classic string along. But I believed him
Then 4 wks ago, I called him at work (after being with him for 6 days-he had to leave one day and one night to be with her, WHILE I slept in HIS bed) to beg for reassurance. Everyone said he was lying to me. HE DIDN'T WANT ME! He then told me over the phone, that I was obsessed, that everyone breaks up, and he didn't want to see me for 2 months (so he could miss me) and he'd call me in a week.I couldn't belive it. I said I thought I was giving him time to get over HER!!! 3 wks. later....
When I first met him,(June 2007) it was instant connection. Thought it was an act of "God". We use to laugh about it. Really, truly thought it was meant to be. I was coming out of a 20yr. old loveless marriage (no sex for the last 15 yrs) and he had been divorced for 15 yrs. and never had a relationship longer than 9 months. But hardly without a woman. He had just broke up with someone 2 wks. before.
Now we haven't seen each other for one month. Went NO CONTACT. He started calling last wk. about a court case, and I wouldn't answer the phone. Last Sat. he got a card from me saying that I couldn't talk or see him since his last phone call--the pain was too much. I also wrote down some memories since 2007 of the fun things we did in Oct. (Last yr. engagement ring and picked shells in Florida for our reception tables!!!)
He called after he got the card,(I didn't answer) and started to cry. He said he really screwed up. He said, "I have to do the right thing." (whatever that is....) He said, so many good memories, so many memories. I do think of you. I do miss you, and you know I do love you." He'd cry and say, ahhh Baby, I'm so sorry. etc. etc. But he never said he wanted me back. 3 a.m. I called him at work. He told me he didn't have as much in common with her. When I asked him point blank, if you had to chose her or me right this minute, who would you chose. He said YOU. (what else could he say???) He said he call on Mon. (He was gonna see her Sun.)
So on Monday he calls and I could tell everything was different again!!! Much cooler. . I didn't answer. He left v.m. He said, I was thinking about you the other day, and all the memories. Hoping someday maybe we'll get together again, I'm not sure when, cant give you an exact date or time, maybe Christmas.I'm not sure where things are going with Michelle. I do miss you, I do think about you and I always will love you. (hmmm...not good)
So I was not a happy camper...again...I called back and we talked until he had to go to work. 45 min. He said that he had more in common with me, than her. But they never have any confrontations. Heck no, Itls only been 3 months--infatuation. He's always running to her house an hour away, where I live 4 hours away and always drove to HIS house.
Plus I found pics of them on the camera--porn type.In our house 2 days before I was there. Leather, whips, etc. Her whole back is tatooed, and a butterfly on her front "private" area!!! He always HATED tatoos!!! Did I tell you she was RICH also. Half million (or more) house on a big lake with boat and all the toys. He's really tight with his money, and even tho I didn't have any, always had to chip in with vacations, and even bought paint for his home. He hardly gave me any gas money for always driving up there, soooo yea....money important. And she pays for almost everything!!!!
So I called, Said I couldn't wait for him forever. He said he knew. I asked him for a date that he would be comfortable with. He said Christmas, I asked for Dec. 5. (I mean, who wants to be dumped just before Christmas.) Actually, I feel like I've been dumped over and over, then he reels me back in.
Does he mean what he says??? Is he REALLY confused. Or does he really know what he wants and just can't tell me. He is a very weak person in saying NO. He's an enabler to his sons--big time! No is not in his vocabulary. He always wants to be the good guy. I've been seeing a therapist, and reading lots of books about my insecurities, moodiness, and "control" issues. (I din't realize I was controling, I thought they were just my NEEDS) I would love to get another chance. I can't promise I'd be perfect. But I'd try.
Things we have in common: Biking, walking,traveling, DANCING, working on house projects, working n yard projects (I mowed his yard all last year, he never did it once--so we could play when he ws off) We traveled to the beach, We went to the mountains, we played cards, and badmitton, and went to church. We made Christmas cookies together. We did EVERYTHING together.
With her--she's totally opposite. Where I was a one on one person, she is much more social. She likes the bars (which is what he was into, until he met me) stock cars (which he liked, not me) and football (packers--not me) So everything he liked, and I didn't, she fills that spot. But we had more of a family kinda thing with my puppy. AND we did have GREAT sex, so he didn't need her for that!!!
He asked if he could call in a few wks. I'm thinking about not answering, but sending him another card full of ""memories". And really think about "forever". I read somewhere: Don't marry the first person you can live with, marry the first person you can't live without!
I know I made lots of mistakes. (I do over anaylize things, and I do talk alot, like I write) He also always said that he liked that I was a talker...unlike ex-husband...yuck....
He is the first person in my 55 yrs, that I have been crazily in love with. Always willing to make love. Willing to hang his clothes on the line, instead of washer. Willing to wash dishes by hand, and keep the heat in the dead of winter at 64 degrees. I did try. I thought it was MEANT to be.
Is he gone forever??? Will someone who doesn't cry and isn't over-emotional, nonconfrontational, just a good time bar, and bed partner, WIN over someone he's been with for over 3 yrs?. who was a partner with him in every way? Who was painting the hallway on Christmas morning, making his home BEAUTIFUL....who he even claims we have "more in common"...will he chose her over me????
Everyone says he's made his choice already. Who's he seeing, and who hasn't he seen in a month, and doesn't want to see for over another month. I told him "Actions speak louder than words"
Am I living in a fantasy world?
I will go up there Dec. 1 and pack my van full of all the pictures on the living room wall. (all mine) I will take the end table, and the lamps and all the nic-nacs. Why should his home look nice for the holidays for her and not me? Then in the spring I will rent a moving van, and get the big stuff--plus all the stone statuaries from the gardens......geesh I did alot of work on that home.. all the time and energy and love I put into it. I guess that is why I demanded all his affection and time...I felt I deserved it.
Should I keep a postitive attitude. Or get ready for the enevitable. The last thing he said to me was, "NO, I don't want you to quit loving me".
Sorry this is a book. I'm so hurt, so empty, I told him, I would leave it in Gods hands, if he wants us back together again....I've lost 22 pounds and I can't sleep. I'm not that busy at work because for 3 years I was gone.....it's just me and my dog...alone... Hope, or no hope...Thanks all for responding...