I think you summed it up beautifully Jenever, it really is "every man for himself" when dealing with a Virgo. With that said, I have an added duty of carefully examining my own actions, because I am a Virgo too. There are times when I've observed my actions/reactions and my Virgos actions/reactions either negate each other, or create a stalemate. We share a lot of similarities, but the biggest difference between us, simply put, is our perception of reality. His tends to be more negative and than mine. I am solution-oriented, even though I don't claim to have all the answers, I want to work on things in order to move on. My Virgo seems to cling to identifying the problems (which are usually something I've done or not doing- how convenient) and criticizing me about them then justifying that things are the way the are b/c of what I did or didn't do. I cornered him one time when we had a conversation about this. I guess you can say we broke up for a month, and during that time I realized some of my shortcomings when thinking about our relationship in retrospect. I contacted him with the hopes that we can start again with a clean slate, and this time I was going to do my best to give him what he felt was missing from our relationship before. For about a month and a half or two, things were going great til we had a huge argument. In that argument, I mentioned how I was committed to making this relationship better, and started listing the ways I've demonstrated that. That's when he brought up my shortcomings from the past and how they affected him negatively. I said, hold on- I just told you how I've been committed to improving this relationship, but if you keep throwing my shortcomings from the past in my face to justify your behavior now, what is the point of my efforts? My efforts are meaningless if you can still hold a grudge about the past.
He's notorious for accusing me of "sweeping things under the rug" when in reality my approach is, lets work on this so we can move on. I'd hardly call that avoidance. Not everything gets solved, and it makes it really difficult when our feelings negate each other or when our opposing positions leave us at a head to head stalemate. In those kinds of situations, I can accept to "agree to disagree", than spending an exorbitant amount of time beating a dead horse. He can take such offense to the way I handle our problems, it baffles me. Simply baffles me. From my POV, I feel like he is wound up way too tight, which is hilariously ironic observation coming from one Virgo to another.
Jenever, your Virgo decided to teach you a lesson by not speaking to you, and you wondered why he chose to do this, rather than communicate with you. I can relate to this b/c I began to see a pattern that my Virgo would get upset about something, withdraw or have a serious attitude problem, and I'd be left wondering why he is quiet or what crawled up his butt. I finally asked him, "why is your default reaction bitterness or anger towards me rather than just stating what's bugging you so we can work it out?" I wanted to know what is so difficult about wanting to work things out so we spend less time being all angsty. I'm not asking for a whole lot, I just hate negative vibes and when someone is unwilling or unavailable to work on them, then it creates an impossible situation. Maybe my POV is easier said than done. I don't know. All I know is, when I get furiously angry, I withdraw to clear my mind so I can approach the issue in a somewhat rational manner. I DO NOT withdraw as a form of punishment. That is a waste of time. I'm also willing to state, "I'm angry b/c you did x, y and/or z", but my Virgo doesn't tell me what bugs him. He seems to think I should just know, and if I don't know, then I'm self-centered or oblivious. That is one negative string of logic, if you ask me.
To answer your question about e-mails, that is actually something I feel comfortable doing. Not to say that it is better than face to face interaction, but for me, I am able to put my thoughts into a logical sequence, make sure that I say everything I want to say b/c I have time to think about it. In person, I'm almost positive that I won't be able to express myself the way I want to, either b/c I will lose my train of thought, or say everything I want to say. Additionally, my Virgo has a knack for cherry picking things I say in verbal discussions, twisting my words, or halting my train of thought by claiming he doesn't understand what I'm saying, so I will rack my brain to reword something that I think is pretty simplistic in the first place, and that will divert my train of thought. Also, if a conversation really frustrates me there is always that possibility I may cry which makes it difficult for me to speak anyway. E-mail allows me to say everything I want to say, the way I want to say it. I don't think I've ever used non-verbal means of communication as a protective wall, at least not with people I'm close to. And my Virgo actually prefers more personal means of communication, like phone calls and face to face conversations, so you can imagine his disapproval when he receives a text or e-mail from me about an important issue. However, since I know what he prefers, I will call him to discuss something just to show that I'm not disregarding his preferences. But yes, I totally believe that people will use non-verbal means of communication to stall or completely ignore responding to something.
I've read many times how Virgo men do not care for intense displays of emotion. Remember I'm a Virgo too, and I feel silly when my emotions get the best of me. The more I can express myself without crying or raising my voice, the better. But I know that I can't avoid the feeling. When my throat tightens, eyes sting, nose waters, I know what's coming- and once the process has been activated, it's hard to stifle it. So I cry. And when dealing with my V, it's usually happens when I feel grossly misunderstood. I don't know if he thinks I'm doing it for dramatic effect, I just know that he seems to ignore it. Ironically enough, one time we were listening to a song, a sappy love song, and I looked at him and one of my eyes got slightly watery (hey the lyrics were touching) and he looked at me and gushed b/c he caught me getting a little teary eyed over a love song. So I guess as long as the tears are for a good thing, then he welcomes it. If the tears are due to hurt feelings, he ignores it.
I've also felt tested. I remember when I first met my V, probably in the first week or 2, he said that I seem to good to be true. That's a statement that can be construed two ways: either it's a compliment, telling a person they are a rare gem, OR, it's a backhanded compliment, telling a person that they can't be all they present themselves as. I didn't know what to make of the statement until later on when I realized that he probably meant that I can't be all that great and there's gotta be something wrong with me. It was almost like a self-fulfilling prophecy b/c I receive more criticism than compliments or encouragement. I want to ask him, why can't you just BE HAPPY with ME?! I'm not perfect, but to be frank, he could do a lot worse. I rarely ever toot my own horn, and maybe that's why the tables get turned on me so easily, b/c I don't toot my own horn about all of my wonderfully unique qualities which makes him lucky to have me and stupid to lose me. There is no reason for him to have this constant air of disdain, like I'm perpetual disappointment. As I said, he could do a lot worse. I realize I've just pep talked myself, so sorry for going on that tangent!
I do have my insecurities and moments of irrational paranoia b/c I over analyze things. With that said, I tend to keep those things to myself b/c I can foresee the train wreck that would ensue if I act on my insecurities. If I need to get them off my chest, I confide in a good friend who won't judge me and then I feel better for getting it off my chest. I'm sure everyone can relate to that, but I don't know why Virgo men missed the memo on coping with insecurities. Their insecurities manifest in the most bizarre, dumbfounding ways. Whether my V knows it or not, I know that not all of his problems with me have to do with ME personally, some are probably baggage from previous relationships, and interactions with other people. I understand that how that can happen, I don't understand how someone can't realize that's what they are doing.
I absolutely agree with keeping my desires of a relationship factual, and focusing on my needs without making accusations. I've tried this before, and sometimes it produces a meaningful conversation, and believe it or not, sometimes it backfires. When I express a desire, a simple desire that is just about me and what I want, he'll say something annoying like "sounds familiar"...as if to say, he wants that too but he doesn't get it from me. He has mastered responses that cause conversations to get stuck in a vicious loop, like that Pee Wee Herman phrase, "I know you are, but what am I?" Sometimes I can maneuver the conversation out of the loops, sometimes I can't because I don't have the energy. But I will take this time to nurture myself, and physically type out what I need from a relationship, just for myself, so my desires don't get lost in the shuffle if we do speak again.