With the freight train he cosmos and God hit me with in the health department in May of 09. My perspectives on all aspects of life have changed so positively for the better. ie...im washing clothes=i am blessed to have clothes to put on the backs of those I love, i am blessed to have a washer to wash the clothes, etc.. I agree I still let myself get hung up on some ouchies, but I am getting so much better at riding the feeling out, then placing them in the past moment to embrace the new moments in front of me. I hope I am on the right track.

Thank you for replying, forgive my delay in responding had to let what you said sink in. I am learning to live up to my screen name espcially with my life altering heart condition diagnosed 8/09, put on heart critical 9/09, and heart surgery 3/17/10, whew. I agree we are war vicitims both literally and psychically. It wasn't my birthday that he forgot it was our 11th marriage anniversary, ouch. I am learning to treat myself, but at home and focusing on tending to my health and simple little beauty treatments. I am defusing so well possible arguable points that unless he just loses it over nothingness...again I still don't slam back (silence is golden). I agree that I have allowed the pain/victimization, No More!!! I do what I want, respect others, and if they don't to join in the fun or relaxing time, there loss. I am overcoming fears. weaknesses, or whatnots that he had the or rather I gave him the upper hand on. Granted, I have a few really sore points, ouch. Not sure how to get over those yet. Still milling things over...

I have been married as of today 11 years to an amazing Libra. He has changed. Not sure what it was, but something snapped in him a few years back and he has been spiraling downhill ever since. This negative change has destroyed the relationship between him and his daughter and ours. He has asked for a divorced several times over the course of the last year, but he has taken no action, and finally told me that he won't (just not enough money to do it or servive apart). I finally broke through my own walls and unloaded my deep concerns about how his actions and words reveal a changed man, and he really needs to do some deep soul seeking to clean up his act. If not for us, for himself. If and when we split he needs to grow and overcome these negative destructiveness in himself to find that grass is greener desire. Oh my heart aches. Sorry. I am trying not love him so much, but that's going against my true nature and my heart. I am tired of gettin hurt and then angry because his negative actions still hurt so much. Do you have any advice, guidence or insight on where we have been, where we are now, and where we are going. Both for me and where he stands (there I am just always so clueless)? My (Michelle) birhdate is 4/5/1975 and his (Todd) is 9/23/1070. Our wedding date was 5/20/1999. So that makes today our 11 th Anniversary, and last night he let out that he forgot about it, and that he wasn't going to get me anything anyway, becaue of the tight funds. Followed by, "oh, by the way happy anniversary." That hurt so much I broke....and wound up releasing it as anger. I am just so heart broken and confused I can't sit still or focus. Please help, and soon.

Passion4living

Alexandra,

Sorry to hear someone else is in a similar boat as mine. I haven't had a clue what's going on in my hubby's head for years, and the ways I found out are just devistating. I really hope someone out there can help you. If you feel comfortable venting or brainstorming with me here or personally feel free do so. Granted I may not be able to figure out my hubby...put through experience and knowing lots of men over the years as friends, who are not afraid to answer my questions on topics or actions or words...from a males perspective, this has helped me understand men better.

Passion

It just seems like I have run out of ideas in helping my daughter get over some of her bad habits and what not. I do communicate very well with my daughter, and I know that when the time is right she takes my words of love and guidence to heart, just where is the speed up dial, haha. Im gonna hit up some of this with her councelor this week for some new methods or ideas...

Sorry for the mix-up Captain and Alice. Again thank you for the advice and postings. I do hope they continue.

Aunt Buck,

Wow, in our own ways we have walked a similar path. I too am where I can express my feelings better, not great at it totally yet, but that is the venerability from be shut down so much over the years. So, Im not afraid to admit that I am going to counceling to use this as a healthy outlet and inturn learn better ways to communicate my thoughts and feelings within the home and to those I love. I do communicate just not like a bear anymore, ha-ha. I drink occationally as well but refuse to do it to swallow down my feelings, only for enjoyment and controled. Its finding the balance within ourselves in all things that we do that is the toughy, but inturn to be able to enjoy ourselves and our lives in a happy moderation, if you catch my drift :).

My greatest hurdle right now is working with my pre-teen daughter and helping her break those bad habbits that just want to thrust me back to being a bear out of control. Why is it that those we love most know how to go right after those buttons and push them right away, whee?

Captain,

You are by no means overstepping your bounds at all. If others do see, can receive some help this way, it's fine by me.

I agree about my daughter and me being first. Doing this the best I can. Yes he is very lost, and I will continue to pray for his inner healing and wake up call to what he really does have in it.

I agree completely on this "Bad Mojo" for this/his friend. I have ben getting that about her for almost 2 years. I feel she has some personal outcome desired here, that I don't ever believe will become a reality. Unfortunately, they have been relying on each other for negative vent session and firings over the years, its just gonna have to be in the hands of Karmic fate. I am now finally able to pray for her as well. It's wonderful to not let another person's thoughts feelings or what not effect me personally anymore...espcially her. Woohoo, that was my Birthday present to myself, "putting her out of my life and her effects on me."

I agreee that I hope the hubby realizes what's in his life before its to late. I do undersstand that he is still going through a selfish phase, but there are more little rays of giving of himself to us, and he is working really hard at controling his temper. We will just have to see how it plays out. I truly am a strong and patient woman, and so is our daughter, thank God.

Thank you for your responses so far, and I do hope we can continue to communicate. Any guidance and insight is always openly appreciated and received.

Your understanding of what I ment by "completeness" was accurate Captain. We don't need others, but they also can be an integrate part of the process.

Can't remember the name (sorry), but swallowing your true self down and what not been there done that, maybe in some ways still doing it a bit. I don't really swallow it or avoid it the hurts or what not, I just reserve some time for myself to digest it before I can react better and not hot-headed, or my immediate emotional reaction creates a possible further nuclear bomb sized fall-out. Eventually I do address stuff just in my own way and my own time. Im sure I can use tons of additional improvement or advice here.

Captain, thank you. It's not that I have done things wrong in our relationship over the years, but just not right. I have finally reclaimed myself. The strong beautiful woman that he fell in love with, granted the fire-cracker in me has diminished some due the plethera of home and family responsibilities, not to mention health issues (most recently EP heart surgery on St. Patty's Day). As I continue to strength and better myself in all aspects of my life, I unfortunately do see where he has not grown over the years. This however does in not make me love him any less. I know right now he is lost. He's even admitted that he feels he has lost himself. Maybe it's because I really do, do so much. All that I do if for him, our daughter and us as a family.

I do hope that our marriage was not founded on something superficial. He has told me that he loves me, but is no longer romantically in-love with me. I don't understand this concept since I believe and do love unconditionally. The teter-toter of his closeness and affection towards me and our daughter, then the distance and negativety is very tiresome, but I haven't given up on him or us yet.

You hit the nail on the head when you said that he is one to not reveal his feelings. This has hampered our communication from the start. I contiue to build bridge after bridge of communication, sometimes I get litte bits from him, but usually he just clams up or goes to his long time female friend to talk with via the net. This stings since he should be talking to me about what he thinks and feels. Plus everytime after he talks with her he seems angry and gets in a very negative state of mind, body language, and verbalness. He is honestly so hard on himself and continues cycles of self-undermining acts, but I or the daughter get blamed for it. I hurt so much to see him doing this to himself. I hope and pray for his inner healing daily. I try an do more in some areas and less in others, to reinforce his adequicy as a man, a husband, and a father, but he will always find away to bring that negatvie and chaos into it.

Any advice and quidence would be greatly appreaciate.....Thank you