Hi out there in "cyberland" whoever may read my post. I DO understand VERY, VERY well MissyMichelle's post though coming from quite a different perspective. My STILL not yet ex & I have been split up for not quite 10 years & the divorce has been pending for close to eight. At any rate, I had some rather significant events occur in my life & had to return to my parents' home to stay with them some years after severely breaking my leg. I returned to my STILL not yet ex & my home & had sunken into such a severe depression & stopped taking my meds & was only self medicating myself using booze. At any rate, I ended up getting busted DUI in FL & having to call my parents' to come bail me out of jail b/c my STILL not yet ex wouldn't take my calls. He was obviously otherwise occupied with the wife of the husband of some "friends" of OURS. Suffice it to say that I had been stuck living with my miserably "anal retentive" parents for almost 4 years. I couldn't go out, couldn't have a cocktail, couldn't do anything. This all the while is occurring while I am surfing the web for men with whom to have sex though it had to be at unusual times due to my screwed up living situation. Okay, so I met this guy & he told me that he loved me within a week, told me he'd marry within two weeks & we had moved in together within three months. He actually told me that we WERE "soul mates," but with my having become sooo cynical about the institution of marriage & the complete "committed relationship" thing, I thought he was full of it to put it bluntly. He was wonderful!!!! I knew that I DID love him but didn't trust my feelings for him. Absolutely EVERYTHING was wonderful with us. We seldom argued other than how badly he would trash out the kitchen whenever he cooked (& he DID love to cook!!!!) & how he wouldn't pick up after himself, but that was quite alright with me. Our arguments were rare & very, very mild though I did "go off" on him one tme & I apologized up & down about it shortly thereafter. Okay, this past New Year's Day, 2009m we went from where we were living, about an hour +/- from my parents' home to have New Year's Dinner with them. We had been there for less than 15 minutes, I'm guessing, & I noticed that he was not around. I looked for him & found him outside & he did NOT look right. I asked him if he was okay & he just shook his head. My Dad then came out & I told him something is wrong with MY Paul. We got him inside & on a bed, gave him an answer & within 15 minutes, he was gone. When I write "gone," I mean dead, gone, not with me anymore. I am sooo daggum lonely. I am unemployed & awaiting a ruling from the judge in my disability hearing from an almost fatal car accident I had almost 30 years ago. I am SOOOOO lonely. The only company I REALLY have is the TV & what few "friends" with whom I will actually chat now. I do NOT feel like explaining this garbage to anyone. I have TRIED ooooohhhh sooo hard to explain it to my parents umpteen times & they TRY but are unable to comprehend my loss. They only make excuses about why I shouldn't be feeling so depressed & how I should be doing this, that or whatever. I am on meds though I don't like to be, but they do seem to help me to some degree. I just feel soooo lonely & do NOT know what to do with myself at this point. I have begun to TRY to get myself back into shape though I don't really want to do so. I merely do it to appease my parents as they ARE the ones that are totally & completely supporting me in every way. I have read astrological readings time after time after time & can find nothing to help me other than knowing that MY Paul believed that we were & ALWAYS have been TRUE "soul mates" & that due to that fact, that we would always be connected in whatever lifetime. I am only 44 (I'm sure some of you may think "o-o-o-old" while others may thing "young!!!) & do NOT wanna be on this horrible place most people call earth. Nothing could even lure me to ever want to be here. I want to be with MY Paul, no matter anything. We had something very, very, very special that I have never EVER experienced with anyone in my life before now & I want it back. I do NOT understand why he had to go. I feel like he was "taken" at the wrong time. Something or someone screwed up somewhere. We had just found a home to purchase, we had a wedding date set, we had talked about getting some dogs as we were both very, very into dogs. We just couldn't have them in the apartment where we lived. I am at a complete loss as to where to even THINK about getting on with my life.
Hence, missymichelle, I DO know exactly where you are at this point. I HAVE been there more than once in my mere 44 years on this horrible place called "earth." I just feel that we are each at different ends of the spectrum from each other. I need some severe help & have begun seeing my "counselor"/"therapist" on a weekly basis again.
I appreciate any & all advice ANYONE can give me in getting past this AWFUL time in my life, & missy michelle, I have been where you are & I do KNOW the pain & also KNOW that it WILL get better with time. It just doesn't feel that way, i.e., the way my ex has done, did & continues to do me these past 8-9 years, it still hurts like you know what. I DID love him, I DO still love him though quite differently, I assure you, & I KNOW I WILL always love him b/c I learned sooo much from him, some good AND some bad, but it HAS made me a much, much better person today.
I am just horribly, horribly worried that I WILL meet someone else & will forget MY Paul & I NEVER, NEVER, NEVER EVER want that to occur. We DID have something very special & I have known extremely few people that had that type of "connection" like us.
Alright, I am unable to access the web very often; therefore, anyone that wishes to contact me & I sincerely hope that some of you will b/c I need as much help as I can get & I'm not getting it from my family, please DO contact me using barneybutt at that hot mailing site. Thanks to ANYONE that reads my "tirade" of whining or venting or whatever you want to call it. I sincerely appreciate it.
Also, one last thing: missymichelle, I KNOW things will improve for you. I KNOW. I just want someone to tell me that things WILL get better for me also. :((
Cyndi in AL