Hello! That's ok. No problem, it's a good thing to be busy!
I think your right about her not seeing the true me. It takes me a very long time to be completely open with anyone, i'm terrified of being ridiculed or laughed at, and I'm hurt so easily too. If someone commented about something I had done, there's a good chance I wouldn't do it again even if I liked to do it.
The stupid thing, is that she wouldn't have done any of that, she wanted me to do more things, but i was scared to suggest them out of this fear I have.
On average we would spend 2-3 evenings together a week and most weekends together (Friday night, Saturday morning, Saturday evening, then all Sunday if she wasn't revising)
I knew what she wanted to do with a lot of her life, I knew where she wanted to go and visit, what career she wanted and the whole house, marriage and kids subject. I liked all of that and I was very supportive to her, I tried to give her the confidence to go and get what she wanted.
I knew her faults and I took them all into consideration, sometimes arguments happened out of my frustration because some of them I felt she could overcome with my help but she was unwilling to try. However, I never forced the issue, I knew these were her problems and I wouldn't like someone forcing me to do something I didnt want to. I understand the wanting to help side, she wants to base her career around it, it just annoyed me the odd time. I usually found it to be a quality of her's to be honest.
She told me about her past mistakes and some of the things she was ashamed about, I got quite upset about some of the guys she'd been with, but partly because they are not worth a second of her time and also in ashamed to say it worried me and I did get jealous. I told her that it bothered me and she said that she'd like some space for a while, as I came across to be needy. This was after we were together for 9 months. After a few days, maybe a week, we were fine again, but maybe this was a permanent scar or one that would take some healing?
Onto my skeletons and the thing is...I don't actually have any.
I can't recall of any real mistakes I'd made, I didn't sleep around before we got together because it has to mean something for me, sex without the passion and connection would be uninteresting for me.
She knew that i had my hang ups. Like my shyness and introverted personality, but maybe this is the root cause of the problem...I don't have much life experience. Infact, she was my first serious relationship! Inexperience springs to mind then maybe?
Not having much of a history doesn't make me any better or any worse of a person though, just maybe not rounded enough? If inexperience is the main problem here, then I'll be pretty gutted because it's not something that i can change straight away, it seems like I'll have to go away and live my life without her.
Oh...the random thoughts I'd normally keep to myself. I did keep them to myself because of fear of humiliation.
I am dearly in love with her. I can't really fault her, apart from the shutting down she had decided to do, without saying anything to me. Maybe I would have been completely open with her then, it's very true that you don't know what you've got until it's gone.
Yes, I have done a lot of reflecting and I feel like I have learned a lot during this time, I am seeing her sometime this week, maybe tomorrow or thursday to collect my things I bought for 'our house' I don't know if it's right to start asking for us to try again? Once a write off, always a write off is the rule isn't it?
I feel like i'm tripping over my words now as I've been putting this together on and off all day at work!
It must be very long by now! My eyes are still fully intact, a little sore as I did shed a few tears earlier! If I haven't answered any of the above I apologise, ask again if you like, my head is just a bit all over the place right now.
I'm an open book too, so ask away. It's very good to talk about all this, so thank you. Maybe an exchange of e-mails would be good, because I fear the girl in question might stumble across this one day!