Just wanted to update this thread. Apparently, the exBF and the married woman ended things in December when her husband found out.

He started dating a new girl at the end of January. Yet another woman from the past. This time, a girl he had a class with 20 years ago in high school.

About a month and a half ago, I sent him a nice letter explaining my hurt and lettting him know that I'd forgiven him. My mom had recently died in a tragic way and I wanted to make amends.

Since that letter, we started becoming friendly again. I had to end it though when he started admitting there was still a physical attraction and that he did care about me still. Too many mixed messages.

No, that's not my issue. I'm not dwelling on him or the past. I guess my question wasn't clear. My question was about whether or not there is a difference between being in love and loving someone. My point is that I don't think there IS a difference. I think that people mistake those "warm fuzzies" for being "in love." But those warm fuzzies don't last forever. Relationships face challenges and you have to work on them.

So my question is a generic one. About whether or not there is a difference. I"ve been in longterm relationships and I've never differentiated between loving the person I was with and being "in love."

I tend to be a philosophical and practical person so maybe my question is too abstract?

Again, to clarify, my question was not about my past relationship. I used that as an example to illustrate how someone differentiated the two theories, if they are indeed theories.

Why is who focusing on me? The reader who gave me the reading??

As for the other comments, I totally agree with those comments. That's how I view love.

But, that's why I'm confused about what my ex and this woman he is with view as love. How can she be telling him that she is in love with him and always has been and vice versa? She didn't leave her husband for him 10 years ago so how in love with him can she be? She says it's b/c of the kids who are teenagers. Well, to me, you are doing more harm to your children by sneaking around and betraying and lying to their father, your husband. It seems she views it as love b/c of the fact that she is willing to risk that and see him, my ex BF, on the sly and that somehow that risk is something you only take when you're madly in love.

And as for him, I don't get how he can say he's in love with her when 10 years ago, she was one of 3 women he was seeing. They never did traditional dating things b/c she was married. Yes, he ended our relationship so that he could be with her but how can he even really be with her when she's not truly available?

It's like people I know that claim to be in love with someone that they've never even met in person. To me, that is impossible. How can you love someone when you don't spend signficant time with them, when you haven't seen them or been with them through tough times and good. When you don't know their family or their friends. Don't see those interactions which often tell you a lot about a person.

But that reader made it seem like I'm the one who doesn't know what love is.

I had this lengthy conversation with a reader about this topic. About being in love vs just loving someone. I disagreed with a lot of what they said.

The reason this came up is b/c my BF whom I lived with for 2 years broke up with me and then later told me that one of the reasons he broke up with me is b/c he reconnected with a married woman he had dated 10 years ago. When they met up again for coffee, he said there was so much tension between them and she told him she had always been in love with him and wants to be with him. He then told me that she had always been one of the two women he's ever been in love with. Note: the woman is still married.

Well, this reader was telling me that when you are "in love" with them, you feel like you can't live without them and you want to spend every minute with them. However, I have been in relationships before and I feel that spending every minute with someone is a little healthy. I think people need to have their own lives - rather than having everything in their lives revolving around their SO. Now, what's interesting is that previous long-term BF's I've had have told me they felt that I was too independent and didn't "need" them. With this BF, it was the opposite. He claims he felt I needed him too much in a way. (Part of that is b/c I moved to a different state to be with him and I don't drive and the public transportation here is pretty dismal for a large city)

We actually did spend just about every minute together other than when he was at work. Of course, when I'd joke around about him cheating (b/c I never suspected that he was), he'd ask when he would have time to cheat since he came home for lunch every day and came home directly from work every day since we lived 5 mins from his job. I only became suspicious when he starting working through lunch a lot more.

Anyway - just wondering what you all on here think. Is there a difference b/w being in love and loving your SO or is that just a big fallacy.

It has nothing to do with positive or negative. The fact is that things dont' just happen. People CHOOSE to make things happen.

Why do people think that just b/c parents are divorced, that one parent won't be involved in the kids' lives? I was 7 when my parents divorced. My dad, although I hate him for cheating on my mom, has been the biggest influence on my life. He motivated me to go to college and graduate school and has always helped out - at least in my adult life - when I've needed him.

My ex BF still has guilt about his divorce over 10 years ago. He has 2 kids that adore him to death. Yes, he only sees them about once a month b/c they live a few hours away but they call him all of the time. He calls them. They come to visit. He goes there to visit. He and his ex-wife are friendly. He's friendly with her new husband.

The whole staying in a bad relationship b/c of the kids is BOGUS. It's an excuse. If you are in a bad relationship, get out. It doesn't help anyone.

People come and go in our lives. You have to take it for what it is. Sometimes people come into our lives and leave but it's for a reason.

I have also had mostly male friends my entire life but none of them have been married. If you are a single woman, there are certain boundaries that should not be crossed. I was in a situation where there was an older woman befriending my BF. She was CLEARLY overstepping the boundaries in front of my face. I am not the jealous type but I have always been my intuitive. Months later after I first pointed it out to my BF, he finally recognized that yes, she was crossing boundaries. Always asking him out to happy hour. Offering to do things for his children. Inviting herself over to our apt. Buying him gifts. Things like that.

Also, stay away from relationships at work, people! Half of my clients' issues result from getting involved with someone at work. It's never a good idea.

The concept of fate is just an excuse for your actions. We were all given FREE WILL on this earth. We choose our actions. They are not chosen for us.

Because I believe in Karma, I would never wish anyone else the hurt that it causes when your partner cheats on you. It is the ultimate betrayal. The secrets and the lies. They all come back to bite you.

Sccs - Great comment!!! I am a child of divorce. I was 7 when my mom left my dad b/c he cheated. I have so much more respect for my mom for leaving. My ex BF claims that his little new GF won't leave her husband b/c of their teenaged kids. Teenagers are much more aware than 7 year olds. It is MUCH worse to be a child living with parents who are exuding negative energy rather than love. It is a HORRIBLE example for children.

There are a lot of misconceptions about the term "soulmates." People think that a soulmate means that there is one person you are meant to be with. That is actually NOT the definition of a soulmates. I could write a book but I don't have the time right now To be brief, a soulmate can be a lover, a relative, a friend, etc.

Fishy - I do agree with you when you say that if someone is truly in love with someone, they end the relationship they are in. One problem that I had and have with my ex-BF is that his new married GF is clear that she will not leave her husband b/c of her kids. She also did not leave her husband obviously when they dated 10 years ago. But they both have this conception that they were meant to be together. Some people just love the drama, sadly.