Captain & AquariusHani,
WOW!!!!!!! OMG...this was all so awesome....THANK YOU!! I don't have much time to write but I will write what I can. I have been MIA for about 2 months or so. SO MUCH HAS HAPPENED...I don't know where to begin.
The last time I had posted something on here, it was right before Mother's Day. If you recall from my previous posts, I had already asked my wife for a divorce. She was giving me space to 'think' about my decision and would also try to 'cling on'.
On Mother's Day morning (Sunday, May 13th) my wife told me that she wanted my answer that evening. She said that after our 'Mother's Day Dinner', we were going to drop-off the kids at her Father's home and we were going to have our talk somewhere alone, while the kids weren't around.
So we did so. We dropped-off the kids and went to a nearby park to talk. She had an attitude of 'Well then, what's your answer'. I was quiet for about 10-15 minutes just struggling, confused...still not sure if I wanted to go through with this. Since she kept nagging me, I said 'Fine then, yes I still want a divorce'.
This tore her to pieces. Then she said 'Ok, then...now I need you to tell me who this other person is, since I know there is someone else'.
I felt that I shouldn't hide it any longer and I told her everything. This totally crushed my wife, it totally ripped her heart out.
She cried, yelled, smashed my cell phone, cried and continued.
She really was crying for our kids, because she said she was all too familiar with the 'hell' that they were going to go through.
The next 2 days...Monday and Tuesday...were literally HELL.
It just so happened that I was able to sit and work out of my Aqua Girl's office for 2 days straight...which was awesome. But those two days were pure hell for me. Nothing but harassing text messages and phone calls and emails and voicemail messages.
Yet, for some reason...I was still struggling with REALLY going through with it.
My Aqua Girl told me 'You really need to remove me from the picture and focus on your family. Because I don't want you to leave your family to be with me and I leave my family to be with you...and a few years later you have regret that you made the wrong decision. I want to make sure that if you do leave you family to be with me, that you will never have any doubt that you made the right decision'.
So it was a crazy, devastating 2 days. I was still struggling, still confused. All I could think of were my beautiful, incredible kids.
Then my wife asked me to take 2 weeks off of work to really consider what I was going to do.
Tuesday, May 15th was the last time I saw my Aqua Girl.
Beginning the following Wednesday (May 16th) were the worse 2 weeks of my life. Period.
Tuesday evening, after I left work...I met with my wife's Uncle just to have a 'heart to heart' talk...a point-of-view from a different perspective.
We began talking about 6pm and finished at around 2:30am. It was then that I made a decision to give my marriage one more chance. As devastating as that was...I made that decision for several reasons.
First, my Aqua Girl was right. I had to know that I know that I know...that this was indeed the right decision to make, because if not...I would live with pain and regret for the rest of my life and that would also ruin my relationship with my beautiful Aqua Girl.
Second, my kids. One of the things I have always preached and modeled out to them throughout their lives...is that whatever they do...give it your all...give it 150% and never quit...never give up.
If I didn't at least 'try' then it would have showed them that I simply gave up. That they weren't important enough for me to at least 'TRY'.
So that's what I did.
I called my Aqua Girl's work desk line at about 3pm and left her a few voicemail messages, letting her know my decision. It was so painful.
I didn't speak to her at all...for the next 2 weeks. Not by phone and not even an instant message or chat or email.
Those two weeks were complete and utter hell for me. In every way. My wife would come home for lunch and just 'let me have it'.
I would be sleeping in my son's bedroom, on the floor and she would barge in, sometimes at midnight...sometimes at 2 or 3am and just go off on me and 'let me have it'. Calling me every name in the book and getting physical with me on a few occasions.
Then the worst happen. She said that there is no way that I could go back to the building that I worked at, with my Aqua Girl there. She said there is no way I can go back to my job.
So she gave me an ultimatum. She said I can quit my job and stay married to her or I can go back to my job and she would divorce me.
This was the hardest decision that I ever had to make. EVERYONE that I spoke to about this...EVERYONE said...DON'T QUIT YOUR JOB or YOU CAN'T QUIT YOUR JOB or 'SHE'S JUST SPEAKING OUT OF HER PAIN...YOU CANNOT QUIT YOUR JOB'.
I felt that by quitting it was jeopardizing not only our lives but my beautiful children as well and that my wife was not thinking straight and didn't really know the severity of the whole situation.
But then I felt about it this way. I felt that a job could always be replaced but my family could never be replaced.
I felt that I needed to go 'all in' and really try to save this marriage...and if it meant quitting my job...then so be it.
Even if my wife was just saying that to spite me and punish me and even if her intentions were to divorce me right after I quit my job all along...or even if after a few months or a year...she decided to divorce me...I was like 'so be it'. I had to at least try and give it my all.
So I did. I quit.
I resigned on June 4th 2012.
At the same time, after those initial 2 weeks, I resumed my contact with my beautiful Aqua Girl.
She was SO WORRIED about me and so devastated by everything. She said that one day, right after that Tuesday (May 15th), the last day I saw her...that same week...she had been driving home from work.
A song on the radio came on that reminded her of us and she completely lost it. She was crying so uncontrollably that she had to pull over off the road because she couldn't drive.
She called her husband to come home right away...that it was an emergency. Later that evening, then walked to a park and she confessed everything to him...about us, about me...the whole thing.
He was heart broken but gave her another chance.
During our times over the last few weeks that we have spoken by phone or chat...she has cried. She tried to be strong and she tries to be brave...but then she breaks down. This goes for me as well.
There are times where she tells me that SHE NEEDS TO SEE ME THAT SHE NEEDS TO BE WITH ME and there are times where I'm the one telling her that.
Fast-forwarding...my wife and I are now in the process of getting ready to separate. But everyone, all of the counselors and marriage counselors have told us...that we really need to think about this and if we want to continue.
As far as my wife and I...I dunno. I'm supposed to be full of regret and be remorseful and should be lavishing her with love...but I'm not. I'm an just SO ANGRY with her.
When she breaks down and cries uncontrollably...sometimes I don't even care! I don't know what's wrong with me. It's like some days I feel like I love her but that I'm not 'In Love' with her.
Other days I feel like I don't love her and yet still some days I feel like I totally and completely hate her and that we were never meant to be and that I should have never married her.
There are days were my Aqua Girl still wants to meet with me and other days she feels that she needs to do what is right and just work things out with her husband.
So I don't know what to do.
The ONLY reason I decided to give it another try...was because of my kids and I STILL FEEL THAT WAY.
In addition, I'm still just so angry at my wife...I can't even sleep in the same room with her any more.
She asks me to sleep in our bed and I refuse...I choose to sleep on the floor in my sons room than to be with her. I don't understand why this is. I don't understand why I am not in the least bit sorry or guilty.
In one of your previous posts...you said that you didn't see me with my wife or my Aqua Girl in the future...but that you saw me with someone else...someone who has been waiting on the sidelines so to speak.
With all that has happened and all that I have expressed on here...do you have any additional insight or further comments as to what has happened?
My life as I know it has now turned completely upside down and I still don't know what to do.