I remember being alone most of my childhood. I always found myself getting lost playing with my dolls. it was like a way out for me. my dolls were sacred noone could play with them because to me they were real. at a young age i found out about sex from all the adults around me. everyone was so into fulfilling their needs and wants regardless of if i was around or not. i remember being babysat at 7 while my mom and her friend went to the store. i learned alot about it that nite. i always remember standing in the background while watching others perform. my mom always had to have the spotlight. never wanting me to steal her joy. my dad died when i was two so i dont have many memories of him but i remember blaming him for leaving me with so much pain. my mother told me i cried at his funeral like i knew what was going on. i think i did. when i was in school i used to get teased alot for little dumb things. i was the shortest so that was one reason. older girls use to pick fights for no reason. i made good grades because i would get recognition form my teachers, they made me feel important. i remember in elementary school i fell in love with this boy who had the best soul a young person could have. and my bestfriend was like that too.
when i was young i use to see things and could never explain why i saw them but never had anyone to talk to about it. i was haunted by the visions and became so afraid of everything. i did things as i got older to fit in because i always felt like i was alone. even when i did those things it was never good enough because i always received backlash for it. i had people hate me for reasons to this day i could not understand. i would hold a grudge towards them because of how they treated me. my bestfriend moved away and i had no other friends like her since.
my dad's sister use to come get me every weekend when i was young. at those times i felt peace. i felt like i belonged somewhere and that i could be myself. i remember one day it rained and going outside with my bathing suit on and some soap just being free. singing and dancing and my aunt laughed as she watched me. i felt loved. then i would have to go home to a place where i felt noone cared about me and that i was a mistake. even as a young child i contemplated suicide.
my mother never really took into consideration my feelings or my brothers it was always about her. so when she moved us from where we were comfortable to a place where we didnt know anybody it was hard to accept. i remember in middle school being sick all the time from being stressed. dealing with the kids in school and then dealing with the things from home took a major toll on me. i remember my mom telling me one day when i missed the bus because i didnt want to go to school that she didnt want me......that hurt me alot and noone could understand the pain i felt behind it. sometimes i think noone really cared. i use to be called ugly by the people my mom dealt with and the kids at school. my mom never told me the things a mom should tell her daughter growing up. so i thought of myself as this ugly person. i didnt like my race because my skin was darker than everyone elses. i was teased for being timid because everytime i was picked on i would cry. i knew i was tough but when you have so many people against you and not having the comfort you want from your parent it makes it hard to deal with.
i became rebellious by having sex at a early age. i had my first child at 16 and my second at 17. the second one i had to give up for adoption becuase my mom threatened to kick me out if i had two in her house. i learned that i could get attention if i gave up the one thing they wanted, i didnt know any better so i gave in. my mom found out about my activities and made a big deal about me hurting her, never once did she ask me about how i was feeling. i remember praying at a young age about why i couldnt have been the one to go instead of my father. or why she couldnt have given me up. i felt punished with her as a mother.
to this day she wont accept what she has done . she says that im making things up because i hate her,. she said to our pastor that she dont remember any of what i said happening. when things dont go her way she doesnt want to have anything to do with the person so she didnt talk to me until the pastor made her. now she wont be there for me or help me when im down on my luck because she feels i got myself into it and when she had us noone was there to help her. she tells me about the things people did to her when she had me. i grew up thinking that i was the cause for her troubles and that she only kept me because my father wanted me but then she was stuck with me.
i feel like this is alot. i have alot more on my chest to let go of but i guess this will do for now