My husband very recently passed away. He took his own life, after drinking for the first time in a while. He was a completely different person when he drank. Like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He didn't like himself and didn't like how his drinking affected his family. He wasn't depressed and there were no warning signs. Life was going good for us, as far as I knew. We have a baby on the way (17 weeks pregnant now) and he was excited to prove himself as a dad. He would have been such a GREAT father. I always knew this. He was great with kids.
On 9.23.2010, he bought alcohol at the local liquor store and proceeded to bike to our nearby "spot". It was where he proposed and where we married ourselves. He went there with all kinds of camping gear, this is how I know this wasn't planned. It didn't take him much anymore to get drunk and blackout. Although I KNOW this wasn't planned, I also worry that he didn't even really know what he was doing. He did leave a note of sorts, but it was mostly drunken ramblings. He did say that he loved us (his family) and that he was sorry.
I didn't know it at the time, but I know when he died. I got this overwhelming agony, heartsick, missing him pain in my chest. I immediately called our house to talk to him and tell him I missed him. He wasn't there. Later, the coroner couldn't pinpoint his death exactly, but my agony fell within the "time frame'"of what he predicted, so I knew.
I'm really struggling right now because he was my everything. I feel like a large part of me died when he died. I want to know that he's ok, I want to know that the "afterlife" really exists and that I will see him again. I want to know if he even knows WHY he did this to himself. One night this week before I went to bed I was begging him, if he existed, to come to me in my dreams so that I can talk to him and know that he's there for sure and that he's ok (I'm also afraid that he's a ghost stuck on earth). I had nightmares that night. I dreamt I was being followed and stalked by someone I didn't know. I later read on this sight that I may have invited someone else in through my despair.
I know there are no magic words, but I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I miss him so much and I need to know that he's ok. I need him to know how much I love him and that I'm sorry I couldn't save him.