GF ~ I feel your pain, frustration, love, want, desire & confusion... Although I do agree somewhat with both Aqua & Pluto and I'll elaborate in a "minute" ok.
So, you went and got yourself sucked into the Vortex known as the Cancer man and dont know what to do because your afraid of the "what if's & the woulda, coulda, shoulda's." I have been there, done that. In fact...well, let me start from the beginning of my 15 years of being where you are ~ I'll try to make a long story as short as possible tho...
I met "A" waaaay back in 1990 when fate, destiny, God or some cruel Joker put us in each other’s paths. We worked in the same building, he was a PT lunch runner for a sandwich shop/boxer & I was just starting my career in the legal field...both of us were in our EARLY 20's. But I tell you this guy was my "weak in the knees, cant speak, heart racing and sometimes stop'g, butterflies in my stomach, either I am going to throw up or pass out, he could turn me inside out at the drop of a hat, ok ~ I just wanted to set the stage. We went on a few dates, I would see him out and about at all the popular weekend places & this went on for a few months, or until I heard he had been seen with someone else...being a Pisces, its in my nature to swim far away to lick my wounds and even tho I was devistated and still had to deal with seeing him around the building week after week, I NEVER let on that he had hurt me, I'd smile & play nice, flirt back, but that was it - we never discussed this other person until one day I called him and he told me "I dont think its a good idea that we talk anymore...why?...because 'my gf doesnt like it.'" OMG! There it was thrown out right there for all to see (gasp!) its laying at my feet...this ugly truth, the Pink Elephant in the Room...what is a girl to do, right?! I calmly said "Oh, I didnt realize you were seeing someone else. Ok, cool...blahx3. We avoided each other like the plague...Thank God he found another job, & needless to say she ended up pregnant...at which time my roommate and I decided we were gonna take on Vegas. So, just to be a bi*yach, I called him to "say good-bye." Two years later I'm back, working in the same building and yep I run into him. By this time I'm engaged to someone who just so hap'n to get a job that would keep him in another state for 2 years. “A” now had a son BUT they were no longer together (btw this other woman now hates the sound of my name – lol! Karma…she’ll ge’cha!).
Yea, so A & I started carrying on & I'm not proud of it, but I DO NOT regret it - not one single min. I spent with him over the next 10 years, during which we did the FWB, just friends, ph buddies as well as exclusive dating/mating dance. Until I finally cracked and told him "If you dont want me or if you are not willing to give me what I want then PLZ let me go so I can find someone who does, please A." And that still wasnt the end of us, we continued this way for another 3 years...When the most unimaginable thing happened ~ and even as I try to type this, I have a lump in my throat and tears blurrrrr my vision - A died. It will be 5 years exactly, 14 days from today. AND I am still missing, crying, dreaming, hurting, wishing, talking & wanting him. And I, me, my life will never be the same...ever.
They say it takes twice as long as the relationship lasted to get over someone - I only have 25 more years to go...his cell # is still programmed in my ph, even if I get a new ph or whatever, his # is the first one I enter...theres times I have such vivid dreams of him/us together talking and have even sensed his presence and then "fluke" type stuff will hap'n like a certain band (Rose Royce) will play...or something like that. Like he's proving I'm not out of my mind...he's with me at that moment. I dont know how much of its real or wishful thinking or just phantom feelings, but right now as I sit and breath and type right now - I would give ANYTHING for just one more night, day, hour with him.
Cancer men play everything having to do with feelings close to their vest, and when they like you, really "like" you they become the creepy boy that sits behind you in 3rd grade and pulls your hair, makes fun of you in front of everyone, to the point you cant take anymore. Thats when they kiss you long and soft and look deep into your eyes, run their fingers across your cheek so sweetly, and run their fingers thru your hair. And you cant even think – your head is literally spinning & you just soak it in. Then, they get up Burp, go to the bathroom, then the fridge, change the channel and its 3rd grade all over again... Its when they realize how deeply they feel that they start looking for the exit because they are scared beyond comprehension of what will hap'n next...saying to themselves “what if I lose control??” This is just the way they are. If they ask you to make 'em a PB&J, what they are actually hearing themselves say to you is exactly what you so long to hear, if that at all makes any sense.
You do have to let them miss you, wonder what you could possibly be doing that keeps you from answering the phone. One hint of another man in their territory, or being interested in their "comfortable old shoe," and they scramble to maintain their hold. “A” actually referred to me as such one time & I didnt know what to do with it. My cousin had to explain it to me that what he meant was I made him feel so comfortable, warm, safe, uninhibited...its like a child and their blankie...comfort foods...you know. I didnt like it then, but once I understood it I was able to laugh about it and even appreciate it.
I think someone used the phrase "if you love something..." and it holds some truth, it does, but being with A for so long, I use a different phrase, less threatening...or final:
Hold on tightly, Let go lightly...
I dont know if this big 'ol LMN movie of the month I just spewed will in any way help you, I think I just wanted you to know I empathize with you. BUT Cappy YOU MUST remember your own worth...in the process. (watch the Joy Luck Club or Like Water for Chocolate when you are feeling weak, helpless, depressed, sad...because he makes you nuts!!) This weekend you should "go take a car out for a test drive, the new sporty model, or rugged mountain type," you dont have to buy it, just kick its tires and appreciate the way an unfamiliar model handles the curves, in the rain, at a stop light"...I'm sure you get my jist.
I wish you the VERY BEST of LUCK - & all my good intentions...