Icearia, you have such kind words to say. It has been difficult after all of this. I think my husband and I would love to get away for a while and go on a vacation sometime. I thought when I got pregnant again it would be a healing experience after having my stillborn son. We had my living son right after my first miscarriage, and it brought so much joy, but now I do feel the need to get away and relax in a warmer place for a while. I know my husband keeps saying he wants to get away. I think he hurts, but he doesn't express it as much. My little boy is nearly 2 years old, and he doesn't know everything that happened, but I often hold him and hug him so tightly because he means so much to me. I think later in life, when the time is right, he may have a lot of difficulty understanding what happened. A lot of people tell me that I am so strong, but you're right I should not try to put on a (brave face), especially, I was thinking when I am feeling down and out and not knowing how to take it all in. People have said they could never handle what I've gone through, but I don't really have a choice because it happened and our family has to go through it. I think everyone faces something; it's just a bit different for everyone. I often look to my husband for him to comfort me. Our relationship is just getting stronger everytime this happens, and my son gives us joy through all the sadness, so really they keep me going. I just really hope all this stuff gets better because right now it seems like one thing after the next. There is so much pain and suffering in the world, and I am truly blessed with a wonderful husband and son though, so that I have to be so greatful for, and I am. Hugs to you for all the kind words you had to say to me:)

dotthorey, thank you once again. The guilt does get to me a lot, but I know that there's nothing I can do about it, and I keep thinking that I have to realize that sometimes this happens and for no reason at all. I just have these flash backs of the week that my son passed and think about how I could have changed it, but maybe he would have been born and still died soon after, and his passing was meant to be either way. I guess that there really was a different plan for my little ones than I had planned. It's just hard to accept that, and I often second guess that at times. It sounds like you have a some good kids, and you are so lucky to have a grandson! I bet they bring lots of joy to your life. I have always wanted to have a big family, but with all of the losses, I'll take what I get:) I know some people never get children, and I can't imagine that kind of pain either. I guess there's lots of different kinds of pain out there. It's wonderful to know so many people out there who care for others so deeply like you and the people on this forum.

.Icearia, your post was very warming, and you sound like such a loving person. You are right, that guilt comes back to me out of no where, and I can't stop it. I don't always think about it, but then it hits me. I try to let it go, but it really has been tuff. I know that having my son that was stillborn hit me the hardest. He was 7 lbs, 9 oz. He was perfect, just born sleeping. I felt him move, and his every kick all the way to the end. I couldn't believe he was gone. We held him and kept him in our room the first two days before letting him go off to get the autopsy. I was in labor a week prior to that. I thought it was false labor, but after I had him I wondered if I should have gone in. He died sometime inbetween that friday and the next. I knew he didn't feel right because he was kicking crazier than normal. Now I think he was struggling for his life. Then, it all stopped, and I thought he was just getting ready to be born. I went into strong labor again that next friday and went to the hospital and it didn't seem normal. No heartbeat at 9 months along. I was already a 6, but labored still for 40 hours long. Now, I just keep wondering if I could have prevented it.. I do know that I have to just let it be what it is. I'm sure he is happy, but that is hard for me imagine here on earth.

The Captain, thanks so much for the expalnation and advice. My heart aches so much for this to keep happening to me.

Thanks to everyone for your advice. It was very helpful. I am still trying to be positive, and I do hope for another child someday, as I realize what a blessing it is for each child to be born safe and healthy.

Thanks for responding to my message, and I am sorry you both had to have a miscarriage/s. I guess the only thing I meant by the C-section is that my doctor asked a couple times if something had gone wrong during it to cause the stillbirth and m/c, but there was nothing mentioned that happened in my report. I did have my stillborn son naturally. It was too late to save him, but I always wondered if I could have, so sometimes I feel a bit guilty. I am super greatful for the son I have. I guess it's the hurt of losing the ones I did more than anything. I realize they are probably happy right now, but it's difficult for me to see the whole picture. My husband had a vision the other night about a week ago, and he saw the twins, one was faded behind the other, and there was a bright light. He called me and I looked over and saw a light go away. I think they said good-bye to him, but I feel at peace with these two because of it. He has never had any visions before, so he wasn't sure if that was what it was for sure. I know what you both mean about being there for my son. He's a bit spoiled, especially after losing his little brother. He's so healthy and strong, just like me and his dad. We are pretty healthy and still young. I guess the one thing about losing these babies that is comforting is that I am not as scared to die because I will finally get to meet the ones I lost here on earth, or at least I am hoping to find the answers to my questions. Again, thanks so much for your response!

I had a miscarriage at 13 weeks with my first baby. Then, I had a healthy baby boy, but by C-section. After that I had a stillborn at 40 weeks, and now I am miscarrying twins, which died by 9 weeks gestation. The doctors don't have a clue why, as I had an autopsy on my stillborn son, and I had tons of tests done. They are now telling me it sounds like a bunch of bad luck. I really need to know if this problem can get fixed and what it is that needs to get fixed to have more children, at least a sibling. I know I'm lucky to have one though. Is it just bad luck like the doctors say? Will I be able to fix the problem to have more kids?