Hi again everyone,

Shadow, that is really great that you used spirituality to lift you out of a dark place -- I can really relate to what you were saying as well. Now as an adult looking back I can see waht I didn't really understand before. what I mean is taht growing up I didn't really get how what was going on in my household really wasn't right, and that the trubulence was not only coming from within. The whole thing was pretty much a nightmare. Now my family and I are totally distant. We act civil to each other occasionally, mostly I guess just to make believe that the ties are not, well, I could say broken but I don't think they really existed in the first place. I guess to make believe that the ties actually exist in the first place, though for whose benefit we go through these motions, I don't even know. Like I posted before, I try to tell myself that I am just going through a dark time and that things will cahnge and get better. I try to believe that but I don't really. On some days it is harder to pretend than others. I have attempted suicide before as well but not since I was a teen. I feel these feelings coming back more and more lately, through.

Number, that is some pretty good advice about positive self talk. I totally do believe in the power of positive thinking, I only wish I could do it. I know I know everyone says that practice makes perfect but every time I try I just feel like I am kidding myself. Sorry to make such a depressing post! I guess what I originally meant to say is that it was uplifiting to see others that have managed to get away from their own dark places. I do like the concept of a greater meaning, or a bigger picture to life, and using faith to keep going but I guess I am really a cold-blooded atheist at heart.

Peace and be well

Hey everyone. I am hoping that someone can offer up some advice on this little problem that I am having. Maybe it wont seem that important to anyone but after the mishap i had last night my day today is really ruined, and more importantly I feel taht if this trend continues, my relationship may be ruined as well. Anyway, here's the scoop.

My boyfriend and I have been together for almsot 3 years. I may as well let everyone know also that there is a large age gap between us. I am 27 and he is 45. The age difference doesn't bother me necessarily, I just thought I'd mention it because I think it may have something to do with the problem I'm having, which is this: We are, again, on a communication fritz. It is becoming more and more common with us, and I raelly don't know what to do. Last night we didn't have a fight but we may as well have. Well actually it might be more accurate to say that we did, but we just didn't use any words, or something. I like to write, I always have (I know it may not seem that I would take writing seriously from the inelequent prose I have posted in forums, but I have to do this on work time so Im rushed, please don't laugh!) Anywhoo, it has never been my goal to get all big and famous. I have never been published. I write for my own enjoyment, but I do put a lot of time in. My boyfriend isn't the first person who's suggested to me that I make an attempt to 'go public' with my work. Anyway, for the past couple of years I have been plugging away at a novel. At first, it was more like just picking away at an idea. It didn't really start coming together until maybe 3 or four months ago. Since then, it's really taken shape. Anyway, last night, I told him taht I was starting to feel really excited because I was getting close to the end, and he comes out and says, You've said that before. ANd I was like, HUH? What's that mean? And he said, well, some people talk aobut things but they never really accomplish them. I was really hurt. It is true that I have said I thought I was getting somewhere with this novel before but then basically started over again...but as I said, I do it for my own enjoyment. I have casually talked about self-publishing this book when it's done but Im not rushed in any way. I really do do it for myself. I'm not even sure how much it would be worth to anyone else, and I really don't care. Anyway, so after a long silence, I said, Is that what you really think of me? That Im just wasting my time? And he said, (drum roll please...) NOTHING. So, oooookay, Im thinking. And another long silence passes. I ask a second time, and still nothing, just some incoherent noncommital replies. Well fine, I thought. He doesn't ahve to spell it out for me. At the end of the night, jsut before falling asleep, he tried to tell me that he didn't think I was incompetent. But by then I was really upset, and I simply told him taht he didn't ahve to try and make up with me, taht I accepted his opinion. THEN he told me that he only didn't say anything at the time because he was afraid of saying the wrong thing. But I don't beleive him; I think he meant what he said. And who the h--- thinks that saying and doing nothing at all is the way to go about fixing a problem? So what should I do? Accept his not-even-really-existent apology? Is there anything I can do to fix this reccurring issue before it dissolves our relationship? Any insight, anyone? Thanks! Be well. -- Marielle 25

Saggi, I totally totally understand where you're coming from. I feel like you and I may ge in a similar place in our lives. I have been having CRAZY dreams lately, some of them are violent, frightening and grotesque -- I have dreamed that my boyfriend and myself are being brutally murdered, or that I am running from someone who wants to kill me but they always catch up...I don't know what the reasons are for these dreams but they have been seriously fraeking out. Growing up with an addict parent I think contributes a lot to your emotional state as an adult. Like I said, my entire life I grew up thinking that it was wrong to express pain or even to acknowledge bad thought. While I was dealing with a lot of turmoil on the inside, especially as a teen, I felt I wasn't allowed to show it because my mom told me all the time if I talked about anything taht I was only doing it for attention. As a child I was being molested by a boyu on our street,a nd even then, when I told my mother (She was drunk, but at the time I was very young and didn't really undrestand this yet) that I was exaggerating and that nothing was really going on. Similarly as a teen, I was feeling suicidal, I didn't tell my mom about it but I wrote it in my diary and she found the diary and read it. Then she came into my room one night, drunk, and yelling at me saying that I was being a selfish crybaby who was of course only seeking attention, and that if I didn't appreciate my life, I could get out of the house and not come back. She actually slapped me in the face repeatedly with the diary itself. Hearing this kind of stuff as a fourteen year old is obviously very confusing, and it's only now as I am naering my thirties that I am beginning to sort out the emotional tangles that my mom wove in my mind that has kept me in a naer-constant state of self doubt and sadness my entire life. The bottom line I guess --what Im trying to say -- is that life can be hard. Like REALLY hard! But you gotta hang in there Saggi! Don't give in. Your life with continue to change in ways that you can't possibly imagine. There are still wonders yet to be discovered. I found a few. Good Luck, take care and be well

Hi all, I just wanted to add my two cents in because honestly Saggi, I get where you are coming from. I am 27 yrs old about to turn 28, and all the inner turmoil you are describing resonates with me big time. Feeling worthless or replacable, like there is no one else out there who values you the way that you wish, though, does not come from anyone else, it comes from yourself. I know it's difficult, but you have to look inside yourself for satisfaction, no one else can give it to you! As Alyiah said, sometimes you are programmed to think this way when you grow up... I know I was for sure! My mom is an alcoholic, and she basically has two sides: sober, she is really indifferent and uninterested in me or in anyone else but herself, and drunk, she is manipulative and verbally abusive, I am no good, nothing I do with my life is right, and anything I say (i.e, Im feeling unhappy or something is going wrong in my life) I am either making up, or making a bigger deal out of than is necessary for attention only. Growing up with a mother like that, I had a lot of issues! And they carried over into my adult life as you can imagine. It's not easy to get out of a cycle of negative thought, but it IS possible! Keep your head up!!! Despite what everyone says about your 20's being the best part of your life, being a young adult is also very turbulent. Maybe you are taking on a lot right now or have gone through a lot of life changes and are thus left feeling lost, not sure of who you are, because the life you live suddenly does not resemble the life you knew - and you feel useless or that everyone you have sturggled with has gotten you nothing but dissatisfaction. I feel the same way often, but you have to realize that this too will pass. Things will continue to change in ways that you can't imagine. I am hoping now after MUCH turbulence that things will begin to make sense for me too, because right now it would be very easy for me to give in to despair. I went through a bad breaup after an 8 year relationship, my job SUCKS ( I graduated from college but can't find work in my field so Im working in a coffee shop) and I also went through bankruptcy to boot. But we all have to hang in there. As much as it doesnt seem like it right now, things will get better. There's something worth fighting for, evne if you dont know yet exactly what it is!!!

Oh and PPS (sorry I am a cronic re-post-er ha ha. I always think of more after I hit submit!) to sweetlady, noooooo way did you upset me! I really thikn this is great. Not to sound like some overdramatic diva chick, but this has seriously meant the world to me. Even just the way you said, "I had a hard life too" made me feel soooo good. Maybe that doesn't make sense, but, like I said before my mom really loves her manipulative guilt trip head games, and all my life I have been made to feel that anything I did was basically wrong. I didn't understand it before, and now as an adult (with the help of a therapist) I can now look back and see that she was really giving me this treatment whenever something came up that she did not like or want to hear...eg me feeling depressed, not wanting to go to school because I was afraid of the other kids, or my horrible experience as a child. So even as an adult I had a hard time allowing myself to say, Yes, I did have a traumatic childhood. Hearing someone else acknowledge my pain felt so great. Because I was always told that expressing hurt over something was just me looking for attention and basically, to suck it up and get a life. So no way did you upset me! Like I said, I think this is great. O and PS Also to sweetlady, what happened with your mom? (If you don't mind sharing) Do you speak to her at all now? How long did you have to keep her in your house. I don't know what I would do if I had to take my mom in. I tihnk I would just die.

Okay, I have a few more minutes so I just wanted to add a little more -- Myviewpoint, I soooooo get what you mean by 'cocktail hour". As I said before, as a teen my life at home was really really awful. I was very depressed and really hated my life. My mom was an early starter - usually she would start to drink before I got home from school and do herself in by nine or ten. Before I was old enough to go out on my own after school I would come home, suffer through supper times (even now meals with my family are sometimes awful. There have been countless meals where my mom has been so drunk taht she can hardly sit in her chair nevermind get her fork to her mouth, but no one is allowed to say anything so we just ignore her) and at night I would sit alone in my room and hope she didn't decide to come in and rant and rave at me about whatever. Now even though I don't live at home it is still much the same. I know better than to answer the phone after 6 PM for sure. But if I don't my mother often calls back again and again. I can tell my the frequency of phone calls how drunk she is (the more she drinks the more persistent she becomes!). Just last night I got in the shower around &. I haerd the house phone ring and then my cell phone right after so I guessed it was probably her. After I got out of the shower I checked my cell. She had phoned 4 times in 20 minutes. I didn't bother to call her back. By the time I went to bed that night, I had missed 12 phone calls on my cell, and at least 4 on the home phone (We don't have a caller display, so Im not %100 sure). So when you said cocktail hour, I really laughed. Like I said earlier, not cause it's funny - it's anything but, as Im sure you well know.

Ohhh my goodness. Thank you guys sooooo much for sharing your experiences with me. There is not enough words to say how good it makes me feel just to know that I am not the only one who has experienced this kind of twisted madness!!! Thank you thank you! As I was reading your experiences I actually laughed out loud, not because they are actually funny of course but because they resonated so much with waht I feel and what I have experienced. It was one of those laugh or cry situations I guess. My mother has been an alcoholic my entire life, and I could probably overlaod the system here recounting all the bad memories I have. The pain is so deep and so intense for me. I have spent my entire life wishing I could make her feel what she makes me feel, but I know it is no use. She loves to play head games. I think that deep down she gets some twisted pleasure out of it. Hearing your stories makes me feel that perhaps I can get some control over this situation so that my feelings for her don't have to poison my entire life, and that if I do tell her the truth I can take her reaction knowing that I am right for telling her waht I feel and not cave in with guilt. It is really terrible to feel this way about a parent. And although my father doesn't drink he is a hardcore enabler for my mother, to the point that he protects her from hearing the truth, discouraging me from telling her how I feel, and it only adds to her denial. I feel pity for him really, he is a wonderful man, but if he wants to portect my mother I guess that is his choice. I think it is totally crazy myself, but he is his own person too. But if he wants to protect her then he cant be close to me I guess, and after numerous attempts of trying to reach out to both my parents I really feel there is nothing more that I can do. I wish so badly I could tell her so many things but really there is no point now I know. It would only make more of a mess. For example...I hope this is not oversharing, but, I was molested as a child by a boy on our street. I was really young so I dont have really clear memories of it. I was four and the boy was young as well, I think he was fifteen or sixteen. When I finally told my mom what was going on she told me that I was making it up and nothing ever happened, so the incidents continued for a while. Finally the boy stopped coming around me and left me alone. I don't ever know what happened to him. I wish so bad that I could tell her now as an adult that i wasn't making it up, how much I really hate her for not doing anything about it, but I know it would probably only do me harm. I have wished for so long that there was a way to make her see how awfully her negativity has impacted my life, all the way from that terrible experience as a child up to the present: as far as my boyfriend goes she really has nothing good to say about him, or about our lives in general. She says that neither one of us is an "adult" because we don't have careers taht she approves of (my boyfriend is a musician, and when he isn't away with his band he works at a music store) and I am a manager at a coffee shop. When we first got together she said to me, you can't be with a man like that. He doesn't make any money with waht he does, and he wont get you anywhere in life. It made me so angry that I told her quite frankly that I thought she was a petty shallow b____. I just can't take her crap anymore. I also remember as a teen telling her that I was suicidal (I was). In return she ranted on and on about how I was a selfish brat and that if I didn't appreciate the life she had given me then I could go live somewhere else. I still struggle with suicidal thoughts today. It hurts that I cant open up to my family about it. But I have a very understanding boyfriend and a best friend as well who has been my friend for many years and is very supportive. Thank God I have spoken to all of you guys. Before now I always had this self-doubt telling me that all the bad things she has said to me were right at least partially and that I had no right to kick her out of my life, since she is my mom. But I am really fed up. Her self-destruction has destroyed enough of me. Thanks again you guys for sharing. It really means the world to me. Please feel free to keep writing. It has really cheered me up. Peace and love.

PS -forgivre me if Im slow replying, I dont have the net at home so I can write on work time only....eeeep!

Oh and also to Myviewpoint, if you dont mind sharing, how did you finally draw the line with your mother-in-law?

Hi Timzgirl

Well, your whole situation sounds really tricky. But, I just thought I would pop in my own opinion because something you said in your first post really struck me. You seem (naturally) to be concerned about whether or not he is cheating on you. As women, we ALL have these thoughts especially when a partner is being illusive. It's hard to say what he is doing with his own time. I could be that he is cheating. I noticed that you said he has three kids, so could it also be possible that he is just feeling overwhelmed with his own situation and is just handling it badly. From what you say I think there is a chance that he really IS a good guy, but is just feeling maxed out and expressing it in all the wrong ways. (In my experience, guys are really bad at dealing with emotional overflow). BUT, what I really wanted to say is that when you say, I just asked him a question and he snapped at me, well, regardless of what the situation is, that kind of thing is really just not acceptable. I guess my big long blurb here is really just a long winded way of saying that no matter WHAT is going on a partner should treat you with respect ALWAYS. Don't teach him that he can cross that line with you. I have a friend who is in a situation right now that seems as though it is a mirror image of yours, and believe me, if he is displaying that sort of disrespectful behavior this soon, he isn't likely to change unless you tell him straight up that you won't accept it. In fact, if you let him walk over you once, he will probably do it again and again.

Best wishes -- Marielle25