I have some questions...Just what do you mean battling? Is it that you have picked something that excites you but don't know how to open doors? What were your reasons for picking this specific career goal? Do you want fame, fortune, ...or happiness?

Could be he cares for you deeply - but must say "doubtful" from your description. It's been over 10 days since your last post - so perhaps you are feeling better informed now? For me, there has only been 1 relationship i have walked away from and regretted for years - but with age, came wisdom. It wouldn't have worked and would have taken me too many years to get past some of his closedness that would pop up. I would have spent too much time trying to encourage his growth - and he wasn't as interested in growing. Instead I decided to "get on with it" and took another path. I found Mr. Right (but had many Mr. Wrongs) & often thought I would never get over the hurts, but found strength each time - while developing into me -

You appear to be on a stelular path and asking these questions of yourself is reasonable. In the end - Realize if it's meant to be - it will be ....Meanwhile, don't let this drag on too long. Be good to yourself! Pat yourself on the back for doing the thinking you have done and the reasonablness of your thoughts - then, if necessary - move on....With kindness and love I send these thoughts.

Your quotes...."people see me as "thanks god" successful, pretty and so out going.. have so many friends and loved from everybody... they see me smiling all the time and they don't know how sad and frustrated I am!!! ...... " "when I came back after working abroad after seperation I decided that I want to live the way I want.. "

Appears you started but hit a road block on giving yourself permission to live your life as YOU chose - (You want to do the things you never had the chance to do. )

You found an "extremely jealous & possessive love" - & and he "gave you the life you have always been dreaming about..".....& was "a lovely person so outgoing... kind.. loving.. charming.. interesting"....

WHY is it that you can't give Yourself the life you have always wanted? Does it depend on money? ...Was he sharing or did he just enjoy the initial fun and loved you listened to his pity story? ??? What part of you did he satisfy? Was it this "openess? The unbrideled sharing of his unhappiness that made you fel close to him?? Did you think you could save him and "make him" happy ? 'Poof!' with your smile?................."got into this relationship to have fun (which is not really me I'm the serious type).. enjoy my time and forget about my problems"...also said "he is escaping ".... and " not leaving his family" ..."raised by his father, seperated from his mother and he doesn't want to bring up his kids the same way he was brought "...

HE needs to heal that - you can't undo his past. AND as another said - Many do fine with 1 parent...Perhaps he thinks his wife is a great Mother - bad lover / intimate partner? Maybe he wants both of you - a total package scripted just for his personal needs.

Help him grow - That's the most you can do - Be definite in YOUR needs - KNOW what YOU need, then see if he walks or stays.....(he may just go on to another that can forfill what he desires - May not be about you or the "us" he is with you - only about him?)But YOU need only to be sure of what your needs are in the relationship.

Isn't it time you began giving to yourself - and developing without being in the shadow?

"I feel lonely "...."I feel bad " x 2 , & ..."have to be second".."tried to end up this relationship several times but just can't..."..."don't know how?".........."true love never comes except once in a life time...so confused "...........

.Any relationship ended, brings sadness and a type of space that feels empty. (Birthing is not easy business for the child or Mother- but necessary. ) Being in lust, giving of oneself, feeling you are important by helping someone - all are easier than dealing with and loving yourself ...Start with making yourself whole and discovering your needs of your life ...then find space for another than is secure and free. And P>S> A growing person will always find others to love - as they grow and "become" they will change circles, desires, experiences.......so unless you are over 80 and have a fatal illness, your life is still developing and you can choose to grow through these experiences. No matter how much sadness and empitiness you may feel for a tempory month or even longer (or shorter), move on....

I send all of these words with kindness..........and wishes for your happiness.

I basically agree with the last poster. but i do have a further thought. In broken relationships. There is alway a space left. Most times, it will take a passage of time to fill. Quickest way to "get on with it" is to be open to new people, new events...or activities that not only occupy your mind -but other areas of your being....could be in some artistic or creative activity? Maybe a class in drawing or painting - Maybe something focused with a group using a theme (book :Artist Way) to be discussed with others... a church or community group with a purpose you agree with? Some type of volunteering? A friend that may want to get away for a short trip to a new location(all the planning and dreaming involved) ? A dream notebook with pictures that come from combing left over magazine? A party you host or go to - and meet new people - focused not in the"who you are missing" or asking yourself "what did I do wrong"..mind set ? Celebrating the newnest of every day of your becoming..........Aloneness is not bad - may take some getting use to - but the Desire to feel whole as an individual - after the grieving the loss - and going on to continue discovering who you are....