I am an armchair Lacan psychoanalysis fan and I can see the basics of the split-subject neurosis present in your depiction of this situation. You wife is a hysteric and you are obsessional.
The Lacanian hysteric often places pressure on a relationship because she has an inherent need to be the object of desire. This drive to be appealing to the Other also has a side effect, she knows that she must be the unattainable object of desire or else her personality will be consumed by her lover. So therefore, she causes friction in order to seem unattainable. This causes a painful joy for her, Lacan dubbed it jouissance.
So when she is calling other men, she is enforcing a mental need to be seen as an object of desire. She probably has a deep down desire to be desired by these males. A person typically fixates upon partial drives, and for her, she may be attracted most to a mans voice (hence the phone). Partial drives can create a fantasy for either sex, but this fantasy need not come to fruition. But, rest assured, the hysteric must be unattainable. She is therefore unattainable to these men while also being the same to you. She is demonstrating a form of mental independance. It may seem that she is pushing you away, this is natural for the hysteric. Sometimes the hysteric allows for this to some to conclusion, sometimes not.
You are the obsessional. An obsessional is usually the male in a relationship. The obsessive seeks to annul the Other's desire. He does this as a result of feeling guilty, which creates jouissance for him. The obsessive is trying to cope with the lack of seperation that stems from the recognition of himself in early childhood when he realizes that he and his mother are seperate entities. This sense of seperation is called lack. The obsessional approaches every problem by evaluating, asking questions, and attempting to gather the knowledge necessary to control a situation. Hence, just like you have done by posting this query. When the Hysteric attempts to fulfill this lack for the obsessional, she has become the Lacanian phallus. The obsessional will then try to push the hysteric away through control, just as you wrote that you threatened to leave,
What you are experiencing is very typical. These roles are inescapable, and everybody experiences them. These roles are the basis for the human condition and the illusion that we call Love. To be successful in a union, both parties need to recognize these faults. They are pre-wired and cause reckless reactions. To successfully "love," one need to recognize that they are a creature born of lack, and nothing will ever fill this lack, ESPECIALLY not someone else.
And if this message does nothing for you, I agree with the others that counseling is the best option.