let me start by saying hello to everyone,

im not to sure how this works so i will just post my thoughts in hopes for a reply. recently i have had to endure some very painfull events . i feel as though i had the wheel and lost controll . in turn loosing what i wanted the most. i will say that with this loss i have gained self awairness and regained enough streangth to do somthing positave about my current situation. allmost everything i have been through in life could have been avoided if i had the insight that i do now. as im sure many people feel the same saying (if i only knew then what i know now). i think what bothers me the most about myself is i am so wreckless that i hurt so manny people along the way . never truely realizing what im doing till the damage is allready done. i have 2 beautifull children which i will say are nothing short of a miricial. with both my pregnecys i wasnt well. however i was blessed with well children. and if i had changed my ways back then they would still be well. but my illness has effected them and the cycle of addiction continues. my daughter and i are working to break the chain now, but the two of us always seem to get side tracked bringing us right back to step 1. i want one more chiled so very desperatly. the chance to be the mother i never got to be. i dont know if its selfish of me to want one more when i have 2 that realy need me to be more involved with them. and with the recent event of a miscariage at 6 weeks im begining to feel as though maby my higher power doesnt feel im ready or even deserve another.

im desperatly in need of sound advice , and though i seek treatment ant therepy for my past addictions and have been sobar for 2 yrs it just doesnt seem to be enough.

im in search for soul food . to feel inspired again by my insight . in the past and most recently ive had dreams that wound up to be reality . like my last dream was that my chiled had died. i woke up crying non stop all day the dream was so sureal that i couldnt even functio. 2 days later i found out i misscarried . my chiled did die, for days i was haunted by my intuition and insightfull dreams and couldnt help but piece other events that took place which i felt at the time were bad and they just left me with an eary feeling. such as the black crow that was lingering on my window. the dream befor that was about my daughter and somthing going on with her . sure enough the next day word for word my dream unfolded . as if i had pushed a rewind button. and then another of my son who had a problem that no one knew about he was 2 . i dremt it and a day later . it was happening. i did write my drams down years ago . and have always felt sence the age of 13 that i was more like a witch but i dont like to use that word so today i will say somewhat phisick

if i do have such an understanding and i can be so much more powerfull i would love some guidence as to how to acheave full knowlg of if and also use my insight fore more proactive things . rather then . keep my inner bieng in the dark any longer

thank you

sory for rambeling on. when u have so much going on in your head its heard to stay focused on just one topic