- This is a mixture of sarcastic astrology readings I found for every sign lmao, enjoy o=]
Aries: (March 21 - April 20) You selfish prick. So busy looking out for number one, you inevitably step in number two. You're a hot-headed, impulsive, inpatient, jump-the-gun, Mother Superior. All of your friends are imaginary. If you had any real friends, they might advise you to look before you leap, but, basically, people just want you to take a flying leap. Your impulsiveness often causes you to speak or act before thinking, You make an ass of yourself almost every day. You are a douche-bag. Since your favorite topic of conversation is your personal existence, you bore people to death. Your aggressiveness and passion makes You a raging sex addict with your hair on fire. You screwed everybody's girlfriend/boyfriend/goldfish , just to prove to yourself that you can. People think of you as a slut and an unsuccessful overachiever.
Taurus: (April 21 - May 21) Chances are you've got multiple restraining orders against you. A hopeless romantic - with emphasis on the 'hopeless' part - your life's work is finding some poor soul to latch onto, then dragging that person down in the melodramatic quagmire that is your existence. Any pet rabbits will be made into stew. You can never have enough possessions, and whatever you do have is jealously watched over, like Gollum guarding his 'precious'. Misery loves company, but people are crossing the street to avoid you. Your also really boring so laid back your in a coma, and thats on a good day.
Gemini: (May 22 - June 21) You're scared of your own shadow, So paranoid, you think that the car in front of you is following you - the long way. You have the feeling that nobody likes you. This is because nobody likes you. You're also a compulsive liar; this may contribute to your paranoia. Being a sleazy, manipulative snake, Everybody who loves you, loves a schizophrenic. You could have a whole conversation all by yourself, which is what it almost always turns into, since everybody is usually doing what ever they can to avoid your bullshit.
Cancer: (June 22 - July 22) The name says it all. Basically, you are a tragic disease, contaminating everything you come into contact with. You're a clingy, crabby, emotional roller coaster, and everybody wants off. Being quite the drama queen, you tend to harvest pity from the Mother Teresa types of the world, which is fine with you. Your emotional needs make you fall in love with whatever happens to glance at you. You're so blinded by your emotions and sex drive that you would have sex with a dolphin. Tension and attention are your drugs of choice; though, You pop prescription pills like potato chips and were voted most likely to hang yourself.
Leo: (July 23 - August 22) Your Keyword is RECOGNITION You consider yourself a born leader, others think you are an idiot. Most Leos are bullies. You are vain and cannot tolerate criticism. Your arrogance is disgusting. The only time leo's feel good is when people are kissing their ass. you're happiest when others acknowledge your abilities, power, magnificence and authority. You consider yourself superior to everyone else. Leo people are thieving Motherfuckers and enjoy masturbation more then sex. People think you are a PRIMA DONNA. Everywhere you go you command attention, usually because you are carrying a gun, you deserve the most obnoxious human award. You think you are calm cool and collective, and will beat the hell out of anybody who disagrees.
Virgo: (August 22 - September 22) You're so anal that your face is caving in from the excessive ass suction; this is known as ass-phyxiation. Trying to please you is like trying to go swimming without getting wet. You have one belief, everyone is beneath you. There isn't an idea that you can't improve upon, You may pride yourself on being a discriminating perfectionist, but everyone else sees you as a royal pain in the ass. You are intelligent but can't make any practical use of your knowledge. Instead you turn all your energy to Obsessive-compulsive disorder, You regulate your breathing and color-coordinate the clothes in your closet.You don't see the world in shades of black and white.You see it in shades of clean and dirty. Your also known for sleeping with everybody, theres nothing virgin about a virgo, you are a slut-who uses protection due to your OCD. Basically you're a pathetic nit-picky asshole who needs to down a bottle of laundry detergent and rid the world of your presence.
Libra: (September 24 - October 23) You ignorant slut. You don't know which end is up, so you spend most of the time with your head down your butt. People who bother talking to you are either astounded by your no-limit witlessness, or they were drawn to the 'Please Have Sex with Me!' sign posted above your bare crotch. You have no opinion of your own and, if you ever did, you would disagree with yourself in no time. You never know what you want, but manage to figure out who your going to sleep with first. You bore people with your indecisiveness, your scales are never balanced, people see you as a hypocritical prostitute.
Scorpio: (October 24 - November 22) If forgiveness is divine, then you're the devil incarnate. But you think that everyone else is evil, and they're all out to take what's rightfully yours. So, you gossip about people you hate with people you hate, because the only people you know are people you hate. And the feeling's mutual. You think that everybody thinks they're better than you. Why waste your time pondering the obvious? You also live life through your genitals, you make prostitution look angelic. Scorpio men are perfect sons-of-bitches. Most scorpios die of a sexually transmitted disease. Do not make direct eye contact with one, people think you are to sexually controlling.
Sagittarius: (November 23 - December 21) You have a reckless tendency to rely on luck because you have no talent. Being in your company is like having a paper cut on the eyeball. Your cup may be half full, but everyone around you has emptied theirs, trying to get drunk enough so that they can tolerate your dumb ass. You're a flighty and fake flake. Your definition of comfort zone is the rest of the worlds idea of maniac mode. You are very clumsy and accident prone, tripping over air, walking into a lamp post with a smile on your face. To you its all optimism to everybody else its stupidity, you make yourself look like a happy go lucky idiot. You read psychology books and preach them to the world like it's the law, in reality you have no ideas of your own and everybody finds you outrageously annoying.
Capricorn: (December 22 - January 20) You are very hardworking, reliable, and DULL AS HELL. Most of our politicians are capricorns, which explains why our country is in a HOLE. You try to present a public image of confidence and poise, underneath this however you are a fucking mess. You enjoy deviant sexual acts with animals. You are basically chicken shit, a calculated backstabber. You are also afraid of taking risks, there has never been a capricorn of any importance, you take life way to seriously. You are a miserable miser. On a positive note: only the good die young, so you've got immortality written all over you.
Aquarius: (January 21 - February 19) Since this is the dawning of the age of Aquarius, we should all just drink our cup of poison and call it a life. You tend to disagree just for the sake of disagreeing; though, you'd probably disagree with that assessment. You're a born hippie, a rebel, meaning you are a drug addict. You're the one running around naked trying to save the dinosaurs, but your to high on drugs to realize there already nonexistent. Aliens kidnap aquarians more then any other sign, and I think it's a good idea that they keep them. You think you know everything but in reality you know nothing. Your love for freedom and lack of discrimination makes you prone to having sex with the universe, making you a whore. You have Multiple Personality Disorder, but none of your personalities have any personality.
Pisces: (February 20 - March 20) You're a pathetic sex addict. You're also an annoying idealist who clings to trendy causes like joining baby seal clubs that won't club baby seals. You want to save the world, but kill all the people in it. You're constantly getting lost in a fantasy world. You keep secrets from yourself because you don't trust you. Hobbies may include collecting dust, or screwing everything that walks by you. I'd tell you more about yourself, but nobody knows you...they just use you for the easy sex.