Side Note: I tend to ramble, so for all those readers who skim, I'll do my best to break my ranting into an attempt at manageable sections. No promises.
Apologies in advance for the length.
I've spoken to precious few of you, so for the majority who do not know me, I'm Kordelia. I've had a couple of readings done here, (Another thanks to all who took the time for me), and have floated on and off without really saying much for quite a few months now. Like I wasn't really here at all truthfully, so I suppose this could be considered my first real ello to the tarot.com forum. Ello tarot.com forum.
I'm an 18 year old Pisces, who's ached for my twin flame since 14, and is only quiet when it suites me. I usually try and avoid giving out my age, if only to also avoid the inevitable eye roll that comes with telling someone that I'm 18 in search of an intelligent conversation. I understand the basis of the teenage/young adult stereotype, and maybe it is my youth talking, but I've never felt like I came across as the typical teenager. But I'm ranting. Back on topic. Yes, I'm 18, I mention my twin flame, only to give some insight on where I am in life, and the last part is more just to round out the sentence into three equal parts. And also as an attempt to make myself sound self-righteous, when deep down, that couldn't be farther from the truth.
And I just took a paragraph to explain one sentence.
Next: My Purpose.
I’m writing this thread, (and with my luck in the wrong area, inevitably infuriating someone), as both a way to express myself in what I feel is a safe place to do so, but also as a soft call for any advice the people of tarot.com have to offer. This is not a fish for a reading, though I fall prey for “the need to know” just like the rest, so readings are always welcome. In the end though, this thread is mostly for myself. To vent. To share, which isn’t always easy for me. To release even a minor part of what swims among my thoughts, in hopes that this helps, when all else has not.
Read if you like. Comment if it suites you. Go if my barely coherent dribble threatens to split your head in two. It is what it is.
Thirdly: The Main Of It.
This is not my life story, (though it may feel like it). This is not a scenario that needs evaluating. I guess the best way to describe what I’m about to try and convey is an emotional problem. Psychological perhaps, I cannot really say. Whatever you call it, I’ve tried my best to fix it on my own, which is how I like to fix my problems. On my own. But, I suppose it goes without saying, that my stubborn loner approach hasn’t worked so well.
For the near entire span of my life, I’ve slowly but steadily built up walls between me and others. Me and the world. Spiritual, magickal, solely emotional, I’ve built myself a wonderful little fortress, where nothing gets in that I didn’t examine and scrutinize first. This approach, this viewpoint of the world from behind my walls has numbed me in times of great need, and protected me when I’d have snapped otherwise. My walls were just like a favorite baby blanket. They were familiar, and life was how I felt it should be.
But I needed them then. Or at least felt like I did. I needed to be strong and untouchable, and for a time (my adolescent years mostly) I was able to discern when the walls needed to come up, and when it was safe to let them down. Back then I could come and go from my fortress as I pleased; I did not always have to stay hidden. I could leave if I chose.
Now, thanks to a man who I loved dearly, I realize that somewhere along the way, I lost the keys to my own castle. I’m trapped behind walls that my own two hands built. My heart, which should have always been opened, is locked up like a convict wrongfully accused all in the name of its protection. I’ve come to the point, where I finally want to trust. Where I must trust. And I know that’s what I must do. Trust. Instead, I push without effect against myself. I don’t even know where to start, what to address first, that will set me free of this prison I’ve built for myself. All I know is that I want out. I want to be able to trust without muttering side thoughts of what will this person want in return. I want to forgive others of the past, and forgive myself in the process. I want out now.
Yet I’m afraid that the price for my numbness then is my suffering now, in a world of my own design.
…Maybe I should build a ladder…
Lastly: To Sum Up
This is what I offer up to the people who may know better then I how I should approach this. To any who’ve gone through something similar, or to anyone who just feels the urge to speak.
Because it is exactly as it must be.