I sent u an email

Hey Doug

Hope you have been well.....I haven't responded to you because I have been processing all that you said to me in your last post. Processing, analyzing, dissecting,examining EVERYTHING under a microscope and thinking, thinking and more thinking.....lol

I have been extremely angry the last week as well which I know, is not conducive to rational thinking.... However, I have heard that my Scorpio has been spotted with this married woman quite a bit lately...... Totally set me off!!!!!!

Saying I am livid right now doesn't even scratch the surface of my emotional state. It's so morally dispicable how they are behaving and I can't fathom the thought of them being together. Here's the kicker though.....I can't quite unwind my emotions. I don't know if I am more angry at him for how stupid and immature he is behaving or angry ay myself for still loving him. I am WAY to strong of a person to allow ANYONE to rape my emotional state so deeply. I do not have an addictive personality at all. Yet, this man ( I use the word loosely) has completely taken over my core. As a matter of fact I felt so frustrated today that I made an appointment with a psychologist that I saw a year ago after my father passed away and all this "Stuff" started with my Scorp. I hope he is able to help me sort out of these feelings..

So with that out of the way, your suggestion that I "fight" for him has left me even more confused......I have pondered the question over and over in my head. How do I fight for someone who is so friggen wrapped up in the excitement of a having a married woman feeding his Grand Canyon sized ego that he has blocked me from his life. I think the next statement I'm going to type will pretty much sum up how he feel........ He loves to hate me, yet hates to love me. Between his Scopionic stubborness and ego and my pride and self respect we are at an impasse. I just CANNOT bring myself to chase him. If he were to show up on my doorstep, I would be able to express ALL my emotions to him on the deepest of levels.....but to chase after him when he is wrapped up in this hideous drama.....I can't do it.

I love him and would love to have him back in my life. Let me re-phrase that.......I would love to have the man I fell in love with back in my life. The good person that I know is somewhere underneath the dark, egotistical and self destructive one that is occupying his soul right now....... but I just can't chase him, and allow him to push me away further for his own amusement and ego building pleasures......when he is in this mode, he gets so cocky and arrogant......I know this is a facade. I just don't get what takes him to this level of supressing his true feelings behind it. Fear of what is real perhaps. The fear of actually having to acknowledge true feelings, again just a theory on my experience with him.....whenever he comes out of this "mode" and shows up on my doorstep being the loving soul.

I have NEVER chased him, he is always the one that comes back around......like I said, I do post things on my FB daily and I won't stop doing that. I did send him a brief email on FB a few days ago......and basically said. I have recently gotten wind that you and Sarah have been spotted out in public and I would assume that you are now making it known in an unashamed way that you are together. I am happy that you are getting your happy ending and hopefully mine won't be too far off either for reasons I won't get into at this time. You know I only ever wanted the best for you. I will probably always wish that I had been your hearts choice but I have come to terms with that now. Now that everything is out on the table, perhaps it won't be so awkward if we have to run into each other at your parents we can at least acknowledge each other in a mature way. Take Care

Of course I didn't get a response.....I didn't expect too. I just wanted him to know that I know they have been seen togther so that one day when he shows up on my doorstep again he will not be able to continue the lies. I had to console his mother last weekend as she was on the verge of tears over what he is doing.....it's diffcult for me as I too am so full of angry emotions that I have to be supportive for her sake and be a friend instead of the ex....... it's why I have tried to distance myself from it all the last few weeks......it's starting to take it's toll. I don't wwant to be around all of it right now......I am trying to somehow heal myself and some days I feel like I have taken 10 steps forward to get pulled 20 steps back the next day.

Hopefully, this all made some semblance of sense.....I have started and stopped about 10 times

Helen

Hey Doug

Territorial is an understatement....lol I think this is where the obsessions come into the picture....lol Some people had a lot of issues with this trait. I, like your ex wife loved this aspect actually. I too always felt very safe and protected by him......Funny that we were talking about this obsessive behaviour. Like I had mentioned before his sister has lived with me since June of this year. We hadn't seen much of each other this past week as she was sick and had stayed at her parents house for several days.Thursday night however she came home. Friday morning I was getting ready for work and out of the blue she starts telling me that on Wednesday she was laying on his bed watching TV and he came in and went on his laptop. She happened to look over and saw him on my facebook page YET AGAIN......We are not even friends on there anymore. I post inspirational quotes daily and she kinda watched him out of the corner of her eye as he went through and read everything.....

This is the part that confuses me......if somebody doesn't want to be with you why would they bother to basically stalk you? Whether it be in person or online. I know he views my facebook and I hope that some of the quotes I post will help him as much as it gives me light in the darker moments and gives others faith as well.....

I understand that a Scorpio will LOVE a person forever and never forget them but doesn't that make it worse by constantly hanging on like that......What is he hoping to read, see, or feel from keeping tabs on me like that?

Using your analogy.......I can envision myself standing at the train station, bags packed and at one moment hopping on the next train to "ANYWHERE"......because I just cant take it anymore. Sitting staring out the window and watching life pass by, something in my soul frightens me and I wonder what the heck I'm doing by running away.....I am strong enough to face this and not run away......I love him and should fight for this. I go back to the original train station and just stand there yet again......wondering, hoping, wishing!!!! I hope day I will be able to hop on that trian for good.....but at this point I just dont know if I am ready to do that. I do live my life to the fullest everyday and have ventured closer to "The Tracks"......lol but it's the pull in my heart that keeps a lil hope alive that we will at least have a friendship back one day.

I am glad that you are still able to keep the lines of communication open with your ex.....I think as we mature how we view relationships change a lot. All the past issues that at the time were HUGE and put us into crisis actually seem very insignifigant later on in life......for me anyways. I think back and an so surprised how I left certain things affect me the way they did.....I hope one day to be able to look back on this experience and feel the say way.

Hey Doug

Since I read your reply you have left me thinking.....I never mentioned what I would do or say if he came back because .I have not considered him showing up again. Perhaps I am naive to believe this but I guess that I just figured it was finally over this time. I guess that if I had done and said half the stuff he did I would be ashamed and embarrassed to ever face the person again.

I am not afraid of any physical violence from him......like I mentioned before, he does have a temper but when we were together he was always loving and tender. The only time I ever saw him go after someone was when we were out in a club and a guy would come near me, whether it was on the dance floor or if I was at the bar waiting to get a drink and a man would strike up an innocent coversation with me. It was like he had radar and would appear from out of nowhere and would make sure it was known that I was his property. Other than that there was never any violence. But why on earth would he cause a scene now?...we havent spoken in two months. Plus, if he did show up, I have a list a mile long of things this chatty gemini wants to say.......lol

Helen

Hey Doug

It's ok, you didn't hurt my feeling by being honest. I asked for your opinion/advice. I am a firm believer in being 100% than sugar coating anything. I would rather hurt you temporarily with my truth than to always have to carry around a rolodex with whom I have told what lie too.....

I think my posts may not have been completely clear though. Yes, I do love him and will always love him. He was my best friend, before and during our relationship. However, I am the one that stepped back from all of it. I couldn't watch myself being destroyed any longer. I am a pretty tough cookie with the strength of Jobe.....I have been through a lot in life and have always come out the other end a stronger and better person. I always learn to take the negative lessons in life and find a poaitive aspect and build up that. I am a intelligent and independant who has her life together for the most part. I am able to recognize when something isn't working for me and dissect it, analyze it, and rebuild it if possible. This is what I attempted to do for the first year and a half of this relationship. In the last months of the realtionship is when I finally came to a conclusion that even IF I could rebuild it, it would NEVER be truly what I wanted and how I had envisioned.....not because he didn't share his visions of the future and they were very similar to mine but it was the actions versus the words that led me to my conclusion and the end of us.

I have been alone......the last four years of my marriage I considered myself single. We slept in separate bedrooms, had no physical relationship whatsoever...not even once to be exact. He did his thing and I did mine. So when I finally had enough and asked him to move out of my house it was a freeing of my soul in a way......it was several months after that my scorp and I got together. Whenever he would run I always took "ME" time.....and am doing that again, but this time it's different. It is over for me......as much as I love him, I would NEVER be able to trust him. For me, when the trust is gone there is nothing to build upon. I guess what I was trying to say in my previous posts and I did a horrible job at it....lol was this.....we began as friends, shared a very deep love that touched my soul like no other and it frightens me to see him drifting down such a dark path.

I have really been working on myself the last year.....I have been letting go any negativity that I felt towards people who wronged me and actually making peace with them.....it's what I would like to do with him. It's why throughout all of this turmoil I have never retaliated against him.....First I hate drama and will not participate in and secondly, anger breeds negativity....I would just rather walk away from the situation. I know who I am as a person and what my life is all about. I have a great job, a beautiful house, a nice new car....great family and friends.....I don't want to be mixed in with the whole affair thing. It's morally wrong and he is a better person than this......he always judged others for this behaviour and it was due to an affair that messed up his heart forever. So this is why its so shocking he would venture down this path after having his first love destroy him so badly.

Regardless, I do know that if he were to ever come knocking at my door again things would NEVER be good. From the first moment the one thing I told him NEVER EVER to do to me was be unfaithful.....I will tolerate just about anything short of abuse but there is zero tolerance in my life for cheaters. He went and did the one thing he knew I wouldnt accept.......hiding it and lying to me, but saying I love you and only you to my face. How could one forgive that?? He surely wouldn't.....look at how I am getting stung right now for doing really except walking him to my door and saying very lovingly I hope u have a nice life.....

I too could go on and on about this frustrating situation but I just wanted to make clear that other than being hurt that my best friend could do this.....I am doing okay. I am healing slowly and using this life experience to grow and become a better person. There will come and point and time perhaps in a few months or even a year when I will get to speak my hearfelt peace and tell him just what his actions did to me.....will it mean anything, who knows. I have to hope that as he matures he will see just how these actions hurt somebody that he loved and that was unconditionally there for him through everything. Oh well, whatever is meant to be, will be I suppose.

I am glad though that due to your experience in the underworld (affair) lol you were able to recognize that guilty pleasures of the soul isn't the kind of gourmet food that can sustain a healthy soulful physique.....

I hope from my post you can see that I wasn't with him just for the s e x or that it what I miss from him. It is our bond of friendship that we had before ANY other relationship developed....that is ALL I would like to have back from him one day. I don't engage in random sexual activity......as a matter of fact I have never even had a one night stand. To me any type of physical interaction has to be mentally and spiritually engaging before anything physical can occur.....again, not your typical flighty Gemini. Just wanted to get that out there so u can understand I'm not some shallow woman just in it for the thrill of the s e x. Also the heart can distinguish a number, it feels what it feels. I have several friends who are in age gap relationships larger than mine was and they have beautiful relationship.....I think it comes down to maturity levels more than anything and unfortunately I was involved with a mommas boy who also had difficulty severing the apron strings.....Ok, so I will end it on that note for now.

Helen

Hey True

Thank you so much for your deep analyse.....Let me start out by saying.....this relationship was in NO way abusive on any level.....UNTIL he does his push/pull, I love you/I hate you routine. Then, I believe it becomes emotional abuse for me anyways. My Scorp and I are not even speaking right now.....he hates me with a passion, for what I am not even really sure. So no, we have no sexual connection right now. When we did, it was almost like a raping of the soul......we connected on almost a spirtual level. Due to our age gap, I was a bit more expereienced in this arena and kept things from "The Norm" so I don't think he was EVER bored.....lol

I wish I could have this connection back with him and quite honestly I just wish I could even talk to him but he runs from me usually after being together for approx 4 months. That seems to be a magis # for him. He has admitted to me before that he feels weak around me and that when he runs away he will actually refuse to talk to me face to face.....he says, he doesn't know what it is about me that draws him in but it does and he needs to be strong before facing me. I don't quite get this.....I am just me!! Perhaps its because I have admitted to him before that I can read his mind, and I will actually finish his sentences for him.....lol Perhaps that freaks him out. I just feel very in tune to his vibes. I am not a typical airy Gemini, yes I can be but usually I am very soulful and spiritually deep myself so maybe this is where i get the ability to "Feel" his vibes. Scary, for a scorp??? You tell me???

As far as being there and not running away from him......I can't do anything about the fact that he refuses to talk to me right now. During the first month of being apart, I tried to text him and talk to him but I got no response and if I ran into him at his parents house he would come into the same room and just stare at me......at first I would make eye contact but the one time I smiled at him when we passed each other in the hallway he told his mother I was mocking him. It doesnt matter what I do or say....I have been tried, sentenced, and executed by him.....in his eyes I am the worst person on the face of the earth at the current moment. All this because, because I demanded respect and made it clear that I WILL NOT stand by this so called friendship that he has with this married w h o r e......

Funny enough though, in the beginning stages of our relationship it was him that chased me....called, texted showed up at my door unannounced, got angry that I talked to any male at all....but once I allowed him to run away and come back several times allowing myself to fall prey to being a doormat persay....the tables have turned. It's almost like when he goes to "The Dark" side of life he falls out of love with me for a short while.....and then something bring him back into the light. and he falls back in love. That what it appears anyways.

This past spring when he came back.....he seemed more mature, which is a good thing. The only thing that concerned me was when he indicated to me, quite seriously I might add.......I love you and want to be with you but I am not ready to give you a commitment because I am scared I will run away again and I dont want to do that to you......so we are kinda together but not together.....THAT didnt sit well with me. I am VERY perceptive and highly intuned with my gut instincts......If something smells rotten.........it usually is!!! I just don't understand how he could look me passionately in the eyes while making love and ask me if I realize just how much he loves me yet completely ice me out the next minute......I thought scorpios were loyal to the ones they love? Is the secretiveness and ego building he gets from this other woman more important to him...he will never be with her in a relationship. She will never leave her husband and 3 kids and even if she did he would run like wild fire......he loved his new puppy he got after we split up for only a week.....lol then he even got bored of it. It seems as the days go by I get more confused.....I have made a point for the last 2 weeks to stay away from his house. I have even made an additional point of not telling his sister where I am going if I go out as I know she is his link for info on me.....its been bothering her I can see so I assume perhaps he has been coming down on her. I just dont know the best way to handle it right now since we have no communication.

Thanks for insight True.....it is difficult indeed, as I know he goes into these dark places whenever he pushes me away. However, I also the good side of him...which, is loving, kind and very gentle. This is the side I get to see whenever he shows back up when I least expect it or believe it to be finally over and have begun to move on. It's almost like he has a sense of radar.....he will allow me to venture so far and then just as I am almost detoxed from him, he shows up again. It's beyond frustrating when his family laughs and says he will be back.....like always. Is totally ignoring him and refusing to make eye contact with him making him angrier with me. In the past if he looked at me I would stare back but not this time. Why is he so vengeful towards me I did nothing to him.....except tell him I was done if he didnt stop speaking to this married woman......At this point I just want to be able to speak to him on a loving level again so we can at least be civil......I know he loves me very deeply......will that love sustain to bring him back to the light again??? He is almost like a Bi-Polar cycling. Is there anything I can do to help him at this point or is it best for me to stay away and let this behaviour resolve itself.

Hi True

I posted my story yesterday....Scorpio disappearing act and amputations. If you could read it and give me your opinion. We always leave things so unresolved and on one hand I hope he comes back so we can either end it once and for all and work on getting our friendship back and another part of me hopes he doesnt come back again......his sister lives with me though so it makes it difficult. Please read and tell me what u think.. Is this normal behaviour for a Scorp (my story)

TruePheonix......Maybe you could give me some clarity as well.....I would love to hear from a scorpio and get your opinion.

Thank you Captain for your input. I understand about the SEX part for scorpios.....trust me when I say I am not in the least naive. It has crossed my mind many, many times and I have condsidered it very seriously. Perhaps they are intimate nobody really knows I just know him to be a very passionate person versus sexual in nature.....he needs to be in love with a woman before he ventures into anything physical. As far as him keeping contact with his exs I am the only one that he has ever continously run back too. he has had one significant relations for 2 yrs which ended badly and after that he vowed never to fully give his heart again and he had several relationships that only lasted a few months until him and I fell in love. It really shocks his family that he would be involved in any capacity with a married woman because he truly values the sanctity of marriage and loyalty. Do you see him showing back up at my door in the near future when he gets over whatever this is that has hurt him so much and this friendship ending with this other woman.