Yes he was definitely checking in. It really made me sad because before then I’d believed everything he told me—I had no reason not to. It was so obvious he was lying. Well, he lied about other things too, but surprisingly on this trip he opened up a lot more. Last year, a friend of mine told me that he tried to come on to her (they were not in the states at the time). I asked him about it and he vehemently denied it telling me that she probably wished he would come on to her. I believed him. Well, this weekend he “suddenly” remembered a time prior to him getting married of them flirting with each other but nothing ever happened. I was very surprised at this revelation but I just listened. I was thinking that if he lied about that then he probably lied about sleeping with the married Aries woman. There were a lot of rumors going on about those two and she acted like she was jealous one time when we were at a club; sitting right down beside him all possessively. He said he didn’t know why she acted like that and that she liked drama. Now I think I know why. We talked some more and he said I never seemed to want to be in a relationship with him. I told him I could never be in a relationship with him when he’s still in love with his ex-wife. I then brought up the fact that he told me that last year (unbeknownst to me) they talked about getting back together. So there was a chance they could have reunited and then I would be heartbroken because at that time I was starting to care a lot about him. He said no, they would never get back together because she didn’t trust him and he couldn’t look sideways without her thinking he was up to something. He said he felt he was walking around on eggshells. I said well you finally validated that she couldn’t trust you because you cheated. He got silent on that and admitted I was right. I told him that if he had done something to lose her trust prior to cheating he should have done everything in his power to reassure her. He said he tried to but she wouldn’t let go of the past injustices other men had done to her. I suppose this justifies his cheating on her in his mind. I then told him when he told me in the beginning that he didn’t want the divorce—that she demanded it I should have run in the other direction. But he begged me not to hold that against him; to give him a chance. And this is what I get. I admit that I didn’t know what I wanted in the beginning and told him I just wanted to spend time with him to get to know him. Maybe I took too long in deciding exactly what I wanted. So I said maybe we should just be friends.
After he came back from “checking in” I asked him why he came on the trip; and why didn’t he cancel it if he was seeing someone else. He still denied this, but as I said all weekend he checked his phone. I feel really stupid for believe all his lies. But I don’t feel that I should think that all men are liars simply because I’ve dealt with that in my past. I feel really stupid for being with him at all now because in the past I wouldn’t have put up with all this b.s. with anyone else. But you know I’m going to say it’s his loss. Had he just ‘fessed up and told me the truth about all then maybe we could still be friends. But I hate that he acted like he was this man with integrity when he’s actually a loser who can’t tell the truth even when given a direct question. I was so very direct with my questions and he evaded them like his life depended on it. What I don’t get is if he’s not into me fine—let me know and let me make the decision based on what was said. He was a coward and I called him that too. I told him to man up for once, act like an adult and be honest. He still couldn’t. So I just laughed inside at his pitiful attempts to backtrack when we got back home. In my mind he told me what I needed to hear. He tried to act like he said it because I kept pushing him. I don’t believe that; I think he spoke from his heart and I’m fine with that. The truth sometimes hurt but we can get over hurt in time. But if one keeps lying to you over and over and keeps you hanging on with empty promises, it’s like they’re stealing the opportunity for you to get over it. That hurts much worse than getting the truth once and for all.
I appreciated your words but I don’t think he thinks I’m not wifey material. He’s told me many times that I’m a woman he could marry. And I never asked him this; he just came out and said it a few times. I think he doubted how I feel/felt about him and he’s said that many times. He’s said that I think he’s not good enough for me because I’ve never discussed being in a real relationship with him. SS you’re blunt like I am and I’m not upset at your words but I may have let Virgo get away with some things if you can say that but we aren’t in a one-on-one relationship. However you are letting your husband get away with everything. You have every reason to dump your husband (had every reason to dump him before you got married) yet you don’t. Now I’m not suggesting divorcing him right away; if you need to get counseling I’d do that first. If your husband isn’t willing to change then it’s your decision to stay and live in a life of uncertainty and misery even with all the luxuries he’s provided you. Virgo said “move” on and I know he meant it. He’s a Virgo so he’s in doubt about whether he made the right decision or not and tried to take it back. I’m not buying it. I’m almost relieved he said it believe it or not. Ladies we did sleep together and VS you’re right it was just s e x. It didn’t change the way the weekend was going to end. I had told him a few weeks prior that this would probably be our last time together. When I gave him the gift he kept trying to give it back and wanted me to give it to him for his b-day the end of next month. Guess he wanted there to be a reason I had to see him. As I said I virtually had to force it on him, make him open it and then make him leave my house. I was not giving that little devil enough time to work his charm on me again! SS I really like you girlie but pardon me for saying that your husband is working his charm on you and he’s probably cheating. You have that feeling and I say go with your feeling. Just because he’s cheating doesn’t mean you two can’t work it out. Get help so he can decide what needs to be done in order for him not to act as he does. If he can’t then maybe leaving him is the answer. However leaving should be the last resort. I believe in doing everything possible to save a marriage if it is salvageable. You all just got married; I want it to work for you because you clearly love this man! hugs
Thanks for your words. I don’t think SS meant to be mean; she has her opinions as we all do. I do think she should look at her situation a bit deeper. I think I’d rather have self-respect and walk away than to be “wifey” material for someone who clearly doesn’t respect me. I do think I handled my situation the best way possible. He thinks this is like the other times and he can get back with me. However, I despise liars and where I did not believe him to be a liar before, I do now and I can’t deal with that. If it makes him look bad of course he’s not going to tell me the truth. He has this image of himself as a humble, honest, upstanding guy—that’s only when it suits him! When trust is gone in any relationship I’m in, I quickly distance myself from that. Many things have occurred to me as a child and an adult—trust was lost and it’s hard to get it back for me once it’s gone. He has lost a friend in me and he will regret it. I asked him not to come into my office being all friendly to me and he did. I am so mad at him for that—not respecting my wishes. Then he sends this email he wanted to connect me with this friend he thought I might know from my past. He said he would do this but why was it so important for him to do this when I clearly said I wanted no contact from him. I responded to the friend but left Virgo out of the conversation. Wish he would just disappear.
Please, please, please neither of you leave! Take anything said here as being constructive not destructive. Sometimes the cold truth hurts and if it does don’t be defensive about it. Think about it and read what the supposed “offender” said and clarify what you actually meant. Men do this all the time. Women are likely to be more emotional and take offense rather than look at something logically and get clarification. And remember we are typing and not seeing emotion here; many things can and are misconstrued. However, I don’t think anything said here warrants anyone leaving the forum; we’d miss you too much. hugs to all.
Last (sorry so long had so much to say). Aries and I spoke last night and we get along so well! He’s said many times that the things I say he feels exactly. I was feeling down; about Aug Virgo and about one of my babies leaving the roost and I didn’t have much of an appetite. However, we talked about 45 minutes and he had me laughing and enjoying the conversation so much that I became ravenous! It was great, we made plans to go to dinner on Friday and then he sent a text after we hang up to thank me for such an enjoyable time. This morning I got a “good morning” and have a great day text. Then this evening I got a “hi”. I was just getting off work so I called him right after the text was sent. No response. I then sent him a text letting him know I just called and I’d talk to him later. That was about 5:10. It's 10:30 here now--nothing. This is the second time he’s done this and I’m perplexed. I asked him about having a woman or being married and he said no, so I don’t understand this at all. He never explained what happened the last time he did this and I brought up the fact I got no answer--no explantion still. I hate to be hasty but after Virgo I’m not putting up with b.s. so I’ll give Aries until the end of the week to see how he acts and then he might be the next one to go. What is going on???? LOL! Have a great night girls!