I must admit that it took me sometime to sit down and write about my childhood, it's a time and place I don't really like to think of and I don't really know if I would get out as much as I want to but here goes.
When I think about the past it brings a mixture of feelings, some good and some bad, I do feel there were more bad times then good for me. I do remember the times I wished I would die because something was bothering me or made me upset, I do remember always asking my self What was my purpose? Why am I here? and Why in this family? I think I do still ask myself one of those questions, What is my purpose? but I ask myself this now in a positive way, because now I am interested in finding out what I must do or accomplish with the time I have on Earth.
I remember growing up without my mother around much, because she was either working or attending to whatever it is she did with her time after work, But the times when my mother were home it wasn't really pleasant, I couldn't handle her controlling negative spirit it was to the point where I really didn't want to see or hear from her at all, whenever I knew she was on her way home I would either go to sleep or pretend I was sleeping so I wouldn't have to deal with any of the moods she was in at that moment, Don't get me wrong I love my mother and she isn't like this all of the time, we just don't see eye to eye and she isn't someone I can really talk to. It's kind of the same way now, she lightens up sometimes put for the most part she is still negative and to controlling I just do whatever I can to stay out of her way, which doesn't really work much because we are always arguing.
Someone I do look up to is my stepfather, ever since my mother met him he just stepped in and fill in the empty spot my real father left behind when he decided to move to Vegas, He's really positive and so easy to talk to I think it really bothered my mother because instead of her kids talking to her or coming to her for advice we turned to him and asked for anything. Now that I think about it, maybe I have a lot to work on because not so much changed since then, Even though my step father and mother are separated now we still continue to look to him for support.
When I think of my family members I think of a dysfunctional family, No one really sticks up for each other or helps each other unless they feel it's a serious crisis even then they would remind you that they did for you and didn't really have to, my family likes to compete with each other, who have the better house, who is married, who kids is the best, because they were so judgmental I went through a lot growing up everything had to be perfect or someone in the family was talking about you, My mother is the type to worry about what people think about her so if we miss behaved or did something wrong in school it makes her look bad and she isn't happy with that. I feel it's the same way now with my family, but I learned to ignore things I didn't like about them or things I didn't want to deal with, I don't talk to certain family members anymore because i either feel they were to negative for me and I didn't need it in my life or they actually did something to me that i would not forgive, like verbal abuse or anything else.
I think I will have to stop here for now. Remembering the past is bringing me to tears and making me realize that I really didn't let go of anything even though I thought I did because I no longer pay attention to it.