Let me preface first by saying my boyfriend and I are both cancers. He is younger in age yet we were both born in July....a week apart.
AND HE IS DRIVING ME CRAZY. He said that he loved me and we have shared the most beautiful connection emotionally/physically/spiritually more than anyone I've ever been with. He was my best friend and my lover. He told me that his day started with me and ended with me; i was the first thing he thought about when he woke up and the last thing he thought about before he went to bed. He was the best boyfriend ever and he went off to college and continued to be the best boyfriend ever. I would go to visit and we'd share more and more with each other and I felt his energy inside me even when he was gone. And I know he felt mine. It was like we were connected. And we'd see each other and he was so warm and we'd tell each other we loved each other daily and I know I'm out of his league and prettier and that looks don't mean the world, but he is all of a sudden taking me for granted and starts acting peculiar.
So I text him one day while he is away at school and I say 'do you still love me?' and I get nothing back....still more nothing. So I call him and tell him that this is becoming strange lately I feel that there is no love and that it isn't much of a relationship. He calls me back and says "I can't....I just f***ing can't" and hangs up and I try calling him repeatedly and i think it is going straight to voicemail. So I send him a heartelt email asking him to man up and break up with me if that's what he wants if he doesnt love me etc.
He writes back something short and cryptic. He calls the next day and tells me he still loves me but he can't do this. He makes all these excuses about our distance, not much about our age difference (he is younger than me), and how it just wasn't working and he couldn't pretend anymore and was taking too many hallucinogens that weekend that he broke up with me and he ended up breaking his phone and trashing his room and going for a run.
So he comes home from school and I'm adament on meeting up with him...after all we shared so much. We planned our lives together. He even named names of our children that we would have together. We had plans of getting married, having children, spending our lives together and now he breaks all the promises and wants to ignore me and never see me again and not because anything I did.
It can't be because of anything I did. I haven't been around for two months. Meanwhile, he was lying to me and doing drugs. I am left winged/liberal/postmodern and I don't care about that. I just wish he hadn't have lied to me. What's worse is he kissed a girl. He told me he is in love with her and they have been spending time together. That she told him he is presumptous (which I tell him all the time; he has an ego mind you even though he's not the most handsome or tall man; hes cute in a boyish way), and he says he doesn't think she likes him but he likes her and that she might meet him when she flies to India this summer; she has a connecting flight in Chicago and took his number and agreed to meeting up with him mid-July. So he says to me you can't be mad but I want to meet her if this is the case. I dont know if she likes me but this is the type of person I am. I can't turn it off. She is interesting and fucd up and has scars on her arms (must have tried to kill herself) and has a story. He likes the derranged artist type. I am conventionally beautiful and derranged on the inside. I don't wear my scars on the outside; they are internal. Apparently, I'm not fed up enough for him and the fact that our love is not new anymore must have (i deduce) led him to seek after this stranger.
When I asked him if he was attracted to anyone on campus, he mentioned her but that he would purposely avoid her because he loved me. But apparently our distance and my lack of trying to off myself = two strikes against me and even though he admits to still being in love with me, he can only be consumed by the thoughts of one woman at a time.
I tell him that he is in love with the idea of her and not her. He says they share some sort of unspoken connection. I tell him he's in dreamworld. He tells me he can't separate fantasy from reality and I just have to accept that is the way he is. I tell him that's postmodern but that destroying everything we have based on the idea of someone else is messed up and that he will regret it and that I love him and have confidence in us and don't want to see everything we have flushed down the toilet.
Then we make love. I tell him I love him. He tells me the same. We go out to dinner and he has all the control. I used to have the control. He tells me to do things and that he needs his alone time and will contact me in a few days. He tells me he feels better about our relationship but he doesnt want me to meet his parents yet even though he was adament on us all meeting before. He lives with them and has a father who is really bipolar. I feel like he exhibits some of these characteristics at times. He is smart and off beat and wonderful and passionate and intense and strong yet gentle and I love him so it's so hard to not accept his shortcomings and idosyncrasies. I want him to snap out of it and stop chasing this girl and to be in love with me the way he was. He doesn't have much experience in love. I was his first everything. I have a lot of life experience on the other hand and am older but I know that we are meant for each other; that he is my soulmate and this is what makes me angrier knowing that what we have is better than most couples ever experience or most people in their lifetime as far as love goes.
After a day spent together, we kiss passionately and tell each other we love one another. I drop him off and I drive home.
Then he calls me up and tells me that his good friend just got his gf pregnant and that we should start taking more precaution. I tell him relax. I have experience to know that everything is okay, to stop worrying and that I love him. He tells me he will talk to me in a few days and that he loves me too.
I love him so much and I don't want to lose him. He is the man I want to be with and I am vulerable and I need him with all I am going through right now in my life and he cares deeply about me and doesn't want to see me become unstable and yet he is attracted to the most unstable and fu*ed up of types and the image of who she is and not her as a person. I know I am more physically attractive than this girl but I know the he has eyes for her right now even if nothing happens and that makes me jealous and angry and want to win my man's love back. I am competative and determined and want to win but it's not that I want to win because I want to win over another person but that I want to win because I love him and dont want to give up without a fight, knowing he is the one for me.
I know he is young and lacks life experience but it's more that he lives in his head and is tortured and bizarre but that's also why i love him. I am willing to accept his moods and his neuroticisms...him for who is he. But I want him to come back to me and for us to have what we had. I dont know how to acheive that but any advice even if it's through making him jealous or acting like I don't care or playing games or anything....I just want to have what we had back. I miss my little monkey and I want all 100 percent of his heart to return back to me and for him to adore me the way he did I love him dearly and am convinced that he is making a big mistake and throwing this all away because he is taking me for granted for something new and mysterious and fu*ed up....not something that he already has and since there is no more challenge no more chase and I am the one now chasing him and he is the one with the power....I am worried I dont want to lose him. I love him and want his respect and adoration and I want him to love me so much it hurts like he did before. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT....I AM willing to try my hardest to get my man back bc I love him so.