@Mommy-Crab yes, he was. And yes, in spite of that, I wanted to make babies with him. Something he seemed to want as well, or so I let myself believe.
He never denied it when I confronted him and the conversation would always be about how he doesn't want to hurt me, how he enjoys my company and how much he wants me but that we should just take things easy and slow, without expectations (oh FYI, he's such a Ross and has been divorced 3 times!).
He would get livid whenever I dared to explore my options also. Angry, shouty livid which I was always taken aback by because he's usually very mellow, even if sarcastic and snappy.
You're absolutely right. 100% right. I need to cut all ties, move on and focus on myself. I know it. I've always known it. I saw the red flags and decided to be colourblind because when we were in sync, oh, we were very, very, very, very much in sync. And it was easy... We fit together so well, without any effort. When it was good anyway...
When it was bad it was the worst. I would act out terribly; frustrated at his seeming inability or plain refusal to give a shit, to communicate, to emote something: affection, care, acknowledgement, anything that would exhibit him actually hearing or at least paying some attention to why I was confused and hurt and reacting with such toxic insecurity. Sometimes he would be really gentle and sensitive, kind even. Other times he would purposefully ignore me and yet other times he wouldn't even acknowledge me.
Don't get me wrong, I'm tearing up and ah, I hate to admit it but I've been taking somethings to calm myself and help me keep the worst feelings at bay. BUT, I'm choosing to look at his exit as a blessing. It's hard because I forget easily but I'm actively making this choice. Maybe it was just him doing what needed to be done, for his own preservation, for my sanity. Whatever it is, I've been working on myself, acknowledging my responsibility for the harm my own passive-aggression may have caused him and myself. And I've been working on forgiving myself and trying to love myself (I didn't realise I'd stopped liking myself at some time during our year together). I'm focusing on regaining my self-confidence once again. I'm going to put myself back together.
Typing all this out has been cathartic. Thank you for allowing me the space to do so. It's also help me tell my sister the whole story of what happened between my Virgo and I. She's been really supportive too. I'm a little shocked by how many of us have allowed Virgo men to be themselves and have them shit all their "versions of love" all over us.
Do I hope he will return one day? Yes, of course. I'm a sucker. And I am, for better or for worse, in love with him. God willing we'll meet again in a future time when we're both healed from our own fuckery and ready to love each other lol...
In the meantime, I'm going to try not going to waste any more time than necessary wondering if and when he'll come back whether now, in 6 months, 6 years or never. I know part of my healing process is to be a little dramatic and feel all my emotions in its entirety before I'm ready to be okay again. I've been listening to Above and Beyond's acoustic set on repeat and letting myself cry - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNUTlKqSO-I&t=512s if anyone's interested!
I can't help but wonder if he's okay, if he's eating, if he's lonely, if he's feeling ill, if he's talking to his mum, if he's focusing on healing himself and if he's thinking about me at all... Crabby feelings?