Oh gosh you sound a lot like me, i too have been thru h___! I went to my doctor and got an antidepressant and that helps a little, have you thought of something like that???? Please don't think about doing anything to yourself thats just a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I know how you feel though I have been there several times, after a while family members tire of our problems, well I don't know how much help this is but you are not alone there are a lot of people out there like us. Please keep in touch maybe we can help each other.