Shuabby, you know I never had a moment of respite all my life!
As a child, I was always on my own! My parents were a little more protective & pampering of my siblings, since they always felt I was relatively stronger & would tackle situations myself. Unknowingly, they made me walk on my own.
.....Since, I was always on my own, doing things I wanted to do. But you know what, though it took me a little longer than others, I always got the best of all..... things that were not within reach of most around me.... things that people could only dream of!
.....Like I missed going to some good universities by an inch, only to get selected to THE BEST university around, much to everyone's envy & surprise!
......I knew it in my heart, God was rewarding me for everything I had endured with grace! And I was so happy, filled with renewed faith & strength!
But now, it seems God felt exactly the same, my parents did about me!
(......And the funny thing is, I have always felt that I have lived a very "Dramatic" life so far! Like a feature film screenplay, where "Conflict" faced by the protagonist & the "Struggle" the protagonist endures, drives the story & proves his heroism!)
.....On the very day I was suppose to graduate, I had to rush back home on the first possible flight.... for my father had a cardiac arrest (out of nowhere, he was perfectly fine) and he passed away within minutes! I didn't even get speak to him, I was not even by his side when he left....
....You see, even before I could share the joys of my biggest acheivement ever, with the man I loved the most, everything was snatched away from me, and very rudely!
I could never share any of my works with my father, and it all looked so worthless now, I loved my father the most, and since I had shifted out to study at the university, my bond with my father had grown all the more stronger, we had missed each other so badly! Infact, both of us were counting days for my graduation.... he had promised me he'll come down to take me back home! But God didn't let him fulfill his promise!
.......this entire experience was too traumatic for me! I chose to go back home, and stayed back with my mum, to see her through the worst period of our lives! I almost closed myself to the confines of my room. And that is when I got speaking to this man. He was my only communication to the outside world! I still remember, he spoke to me continuously even when I barely uttered anything more than random monosyllables..... he had no reason to bear me for long but strangely enough he never gave up! He was patient, he was warm and he encouraged me to speak! Now I had someone, I could share my grief with!
(.....We were indeed each other's angel in guise..... while he help me deal with my sorrow.... he was a lonely man too.... away from his family.... lived on foreign shores to make a decent living..... he was dealing with an illness.... infact I went about consulting doctors for him, made him speak to doctors and sent him medicines for about 2 months..... it was all very selfless..... we were plain happy doing things for each other......)
I don't even remember, when exactly did we fall in love...... I hardly noticed the transition, it all looked so natural..... and we strongly felt, always, that we had known each other for all our lives!
......Infact, though now it may look "whatever" to others, I still feel it was all very innocent..... (....the two of us are true pisceans.... and we loved living our dream.... which looked ridiculous to most practical people around us.... like both our families resisted to our alliance.....) Nobody realised, it was this affection, that got me out of my self imposed confinement.... that made me limp back to life, all over again...... I was now out & working, and doing too well for myself...... infact this month, I was about to close a very big & lucrative assignment, when this entire episode happened, & I closed myself to the world.
.......anyway, so now I am back to square one, loved & lost again! Now all I can do is laugh, I have realised God loves to put me through acid tests, every now & then. Everytime, I let my guards down, and feel now I'll be fine and begin to move ahead in life with all my confidence, he hits me hard and brings me down. It's always very sudden..... always a rude & brutal stab! It always leaves me numb & impaired, for a long time to come......
......I fought back, everytime I was tested! It took me lot of determination, (.....and believe me, I am a very strong person, though I know it doesn't come out that well from the mails I have posted here..... ) I never gave up, because I always had hope! I always had faith!
......However, now that I have realised a recurring pattern of loss in my life, I am scared, this is not going to change ever! I have realised God gave me things, only to snatch them away from me..... and well before I could sink in the joy of receiving it! It hurts a lot, and I doubt if I have the strength to endure another loss in this lifetime..... I seek nothing now! I don't want anything now, for simple reasons.....
.......Now I don't expect him to give me a thing! I don't want anything from him..... he can continue doing what he's been doing...... he's really made me very strong...... and at the end of it all, no matter how many beatings you get, you die only once! So I am all ready now, to take it all...... I don't seek his love, his affection, his blessings, his care, his justice, his fairness anymore..... Infact, like I have forgiven others who wronged me, I forgive him as well....! He can rest in peace, and rejoice!
And for you & everything you did for me Shuabby, I really want to send you, all the positive energy I am left with, I hope you get into a fruitful situation, where everything you want comes together, I hope you get to reunite with your family, very very soon, and for good! You deserve it, every bit.....
....And, please tell me what prompted you to say those specific details about the baby..... it left me speechless..... you know, all my life, even when I was in school, I always wanted to have a baby...... and I have always felt so drawn to them.....!
Lots & lots of love,