First time poster...here goes:
I have been best friends with a Pisces man for a decade. We confide in each other, can tell each other anything. Have been there for one another since we first met. He has made no bones about the fact that he was into me. We'd text 4 or 5 times a day, talk on the phone at least once a day, eat lunch two or three times a month. I have known he has wanted more than a friendship very quickly on. He dropped hints, complimented me, confided in me, trusted me with stuff he'd get in so much trouble oversharing with me. I've never betrayed his trust, never have been mean to him, have always given him a safe place to vent. But I also never gave in to the physical.
I felt very early on that him wanting to take it to the next level may be a game to him. Although he is very, very attractive to me, we didn't really know each other. Cancers don't just jump into something until there's feelings and trust and security there. Over the past 10 years, we've emailed, texted, telephoned, ate numerous lunches together, "showed up" at the same places at the same time until we developed such a great friendship that I consider him my very best guy friend. And I trust him completely. Hard thing to do for this jaded Cancer.
After years of his continual attempts to take it to the next level, I finally caved. I had always, always thought he was handsome. I just knew that that next level would be phenomenal. I've never had complaints. I doubted he'd had any either. It was that strong of a connection. He made me feel like I was the only woman on Earth....and beautiful beyond beautiful. He has been there to help me several times through some hard times. We've never argued. Here was this perfect best friend who wasn't playing games.....he truly loved me -- as a friend first. Never said it, but he didn't have to. I just knew like he just knew I loved him as a friend.
I had decided that enough was enough....let's try it and see. Curiosity killed the cat. The kissing was amazing!! A-maze-ing!! However, the rest was not as perfect as I'd always fantasized. Wrong place, wrong time, felt rushed, felt forced. And he wasn't fully there (if you get my drift) Eww. But he was my best friend. I thought he may have been nervous. Had a lot on his mind. So I dismissed it.
Then, like I've read umpteen million times-- things were different afterwards. I saw him the next two days immediately after. He was so worried I wasn't okay. That I would freak out. I hadn't, but him freaking out was freaking me out. Now, there was an 800-lb gorilla in the room. I had lost my best friend. The ho-hum encounter had killed it for the both of us. I felt as if I had disappointed him, killed his "perfect fantasy" with my grossness. I had disgusted him. But he felt sorry for me and wanted to make sure I was okay afterwards nonetheless. Him overanalyzing made me very self-conscious. And I began to overanalyze.
He totally disappeared for the next week. I thought, okay. He's my friend. It's okay. He was so into it, he's freaked and needs his fish-space. I wouldn't accept that it was me or that I had turned him off. After a week of absolutely no communication, I couldn't take it any more and texted him to test the waters. He was thrilled. He thought I was mad...I thought he was mad....so much miscommunication. We've been texting all morning, and he called at lunch to straighten out all of the miscommunication. And he wants another go.....
I guess my question is this....what now? Dare I try to test that next level again? Such an amazing kisser...the rest blahhhhhhh. I know how much I care for him. Did that mean he is turned off by me? As I said....He. Was. Not. Fully. There. And how do we go back to being friends after crossing the line? I don't want to hurt his feelings. I would've loved for it to be as phenomenal as I'd always let myself fantasize. I know Pisces fantasize as well....we are probably thinking the same even in my dilemma.
Can anyone help this confused Cancer sort this out?