ALL NEW TO THIS FIRST OF ALL. I AM A VERY CONFLICTED LEO 8/19/66 DEALING WITH SOME VERY CONFUSING EMOTIONS..... ABOUT 3 MO. AGO I RE-CONNECTED WITH MY FIRST LOVE! HE IS A SAGITTARIUS 11/24/1963. THE EXCITEMENT OF THIS RE-CONNECTION JUST TOOK OVER. WE FOUND EACH OTHER ON GOOD OL FACEBOOK OF COURSE, HE GAVE ME HIS NUMBER, ASKED ME TO CALL TO CATCH UP SO, I DID. WE LATER HOOKED UP AT A LOCAL BAR, TALKED A WHILE, AND DISCOVERED THAT HE IS MY SON'S BIOLOGICAL FATHER... (LONG STORY) ANYWAY, THAT EVE. HE TOLD ME HE HAD JUST GOTTEN A NEW JOB AS A TRUCK DRIVER . BIG RED FLAG ALREADY! SO THE STORY GOES, WE CONTINUED TALKING ABOUT HOW ARE LIVES HAD CHANGED OVER THE LAST 25 YRS. AND THINGS THAT HAVE HAPPENED TO THE BOTH OF US IN THAT TIME. WE WERE BOTH MARRIED TWICE, I AM STILL WITH ONE OF MINE HUSBANDS FOR THE LAST 16YRS. THIS GETS VERY COMPLICATED...... SO, LET ME START FIRST BY SAYING THAT I NEVER FORGOT THIS MAN AND THAT HE ALWAYS HAD A PLACE IN MY HEART! MOSTLY BECAUSE I HAD SUSPICIONS THAT HE COULD BE THE FATHER OF MY SON, SEE, I WAS 15 HE 17 WE WERE INSUPERABLE, ALWAYS TOGETHER, SELDOM HAD FIGHTS... HE WAS JUST MY 1ST EVERYTHING!

WE DISCOVERED AFTER A LONG PERIOD OF DATING, THAT HE HAD CANCER~! VERY SCARY FOR MYSELF AT THAT AGE ESPECIALLY. HE HAD SURGERY AND CHEMOTHERAPY AND A DOCTOR TOLD HIM THAT IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE FOR HIM TO BECOME STERILE AS ONE POSSIBLE SIDE EFFECT TO THE THERAPY, AND HE MAY WANT TO THINK ABOUT FREEZING SOME "SWIMMERS" HE , DECIDED NOT TO. WELL, HE GOT INTO SOME TROUBLE WITH THE LAW AND WAS SENT A WAY FOR A WHILE! I TRIED ,I WANTED TO WAIT, BUT BEIN 15 WITH RAGING HORMONES.... IT GOT THE BETTER OF ME I GUESS. I DON'T REALLY THINK I NEED TO GO INTO A WHOLE LOT OF DETAIL ABOUT THE NEXT THING, I WAS PREG. I REALLY ASSUMED THAT THIS MAN WAS STERILE! AND THE ONLY OTHER POSSIBILITY WAS THE OTHER GUY! WELL, DOWN THE LINE A DNA TEST WAS DONE TO COLLECT CHILD SUPPORT, IT CAME BACK THAT HE WAS NOT THE FATHER! I THOUGHT THERE HAS TO BE A MISTAKE! I WANTED A RE DO BUT DID NOT HAVE THE MONEY TO HAVE IT DONE SO....... THERE WAS ALWAYS DOUBT, UNTIL THIS GUY WALKED BACK INTO MY LIFE!

THIS IS TOUGH! I GUESS YOU COULD SAY, THAT I HAVE VERY MIXED EMOTIONS ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP! HE TELLS ME HE LOVES AND ALWAYS HAS, I TO FEEL THE SAME WAY, HOWEVER, I THINK I FEEL IT MORE SO THEN HE, I THINK TO, THAT I HAVE A DEEPER SENSE OF LOVING HIM AND FEELING AN INCREDIBLE BOND BECAUSE OF THE FATHER SON THING! HE EVENTUALLY WAS ABLE AFTER BECOMING STERILE TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD 2 YRS. AGO THROUGH SOME TYPE OF INJECTIONS. LONG STORY SHORT, HE AND HIS WIFE HAVE SEPARATED AND SHE REFUSES TO ALLOW HIM TO SEE HER WHICH UNDERSTANDABLY RIPS HIM TO PIECES! AND I TOTALLY UNDERSTAND THAT. HOWEVER, I HAVE FALLEN PRETTY HARD FOR HIM, REALLY HARD TO BE EXACT! AND YES I DID SAY I WAS MARRIED! BUT, THAT IS A WHOLE NOTHER STORY... LETS JUST SAY IT ENDED LONG AGO.

I CAME INTO SOME MONEY FROM AN ACCIDENT SOME TIME AGO, AND LET IT SLIP TO HIM. VERY BAD MOVE! I DID NOT THINK NOW THAT I WOULD BE FEELING THIS WAY. I HAVE VERY MIXED EMOTIONS RIGHT NOW! I SELDOM GET TO SEE HIM, AND WHEN I DO I WANT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM ON ALL LEVELS, AND IT WAS NOT UNTIL RECENTLY THAT I LET HIM KNOW THIS! BECAUSE IT USED TO BE, THAT I WOULD MAKE AN EFFORT TO GO SEE HIM AND NOT SO MUCH AS EVEN GET A KISS, OR A HUG, OR EVEN A HELLO! SO I LET HIM KNOW THAT IT HURT MY FEELINGS! I HAVE DONE A GRIP OF THINGS FOR THIS MAN OVER THE LAST 3 MO. HAVE WIRED MONEY TO HIM TWICE,PAID A 200.00 DOLLAR PHONE BILL, EVERYTIME WE EAT OUT HE SLIDES THE BILL MY WAY AND ALSO MADE A REMARK TO A WAITRESS THAT HE DID NOT CARE HOW MUCH HIS MEAL WAS, THAT I WAS PAYING FOR IT! I FIGURED IN TOTAL HE OWES ME OVER 800.OO DOLLARS. WE HAD A LITTLE SPAT A FEW WEEKS AG, AT WHICH TIME HE TOLD ME THAT HE HAD ENOUGH SHIT IN HIS LIFE AND THOUGHT IT BETTER IF WE JUST GO OUR SEPARATE WAYS! OF COURSE, I WAS DEVASTATED, COULD NOT EAT OR SLEEP, I WAS A TOTAL DYSFUNCTIONAL MESS. WELL, AFTER A FEW TEXT MESSAGES AND SOME THOUGHT HE MUST HAVE DECIDED HE WAS IN THE WRONG BECAUSE HE CALLED ASKING FORGIVENESS,AND OF COURSE I DID! I DID LEAVE OUT THAT AFTER HE SAID IT WAS OVER, I TOLD HIM I WANTED EVERY DIME BACK THAT I SPENT OR LENT HIM! AND EVERY TIME HE NEEDS I GO RUNNING! I NEVER GET ANYTHING IN RETURN! AND, LIKE I SAID I LOVE HIM AND I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HIM BUT,I DON'T LIKE THE FEELING OF BEING USED EITHER! HE RECENTLY HAD HIS PH. SHUT OFF BECAUSE SOMEONE WAS MAKING PRANK CALLS, AND I KNOW, IN MY HEART OF HEARTS THAT HE HAS A PHONE, AND JUST WILL NOT GIVE OUT THE # TO ME!

HE HAS MADE REMARKS THAT HIS DAD AND DAUGHTER ARE THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS TO HIM? HELLO! I EVEN SAID"WHAT AM I CHOPPED LIVER? I WAS USED TO HEARING FROM HIM REGULARLY, NOW I AM LUCKY TO HEAR FROM HIM AT ALL, HE IN FACT TOLD ME JUST THIS MORN. "I PROMISE YOU I WILL CALL" GUESS WHAT? NO CALL! i WAS WOKEN UP AT 12:30AM FROM A RESTRICTED #, IT WAS HIM TELLING ME HE HAD LOST HIS FUEL CARD AND WAS "STUCK" AND WOULD I BRING HIM SOMETHING TO HELP HIM STAY AWAKE UNTIL THE COMPANY OPENED... AND SO I GOT UP AND TOOK A "LITTLE DRIVE" JUST FOR THAT! I AM CONFUSED, CONFLICTED, HURT, MADLY IN LOVE, AND STRUGGLING WITH "WHAT SHOULD I DO"? ON ONE HAND, I WANT TO TELL HIM WHERE TO GO, ON THE OTHER HAND I DON'T WANT TO LOOSE HIM EITHER! HE HAS HONESTLY TOUCHED ME IN A WAY NO OTHER MAN HAS, AND I AM 42! WHEN WE MAKE LOVE, IT IS MIND BLOWING, OUT OF THIS WORLD LOVE MAKING!

IF THERE IS ANYONE OUT THERE THAT CAN HELP THIS BLEEDING HEART AND SHARE SOME POWERFUL INSIGHT, I WOULD REALLY APPRECIATE IT! i FEEL, THAT HE JUST WANTS TO KEEP ME AT ARMS LENGTH AND USE ME FOR HIS OWN PERSONAL NEEDS! AND I KNOW THAT A TRUE RELATIONSHIP IS MORE THEN THE SEX... BUT WHEN WE DO i HONESTLY CAN FEEL THAT HE DOES LOVE ME! THERE IS A CONNECTION THERE! SO YOU CAN SEE, WHERE I MIGHT BE CONFUSED?

~HURTING~