Its me again..the virgo man. Had no idea my first post would generate the energy it did...again WOW! Do not think I will be able to answer all the questions/speculations but will give it a try. And will attempt to dig into my depths to respond to some of the heartfelt statements.
Was married to an alcoholic for 13 years. It was difficult. Loved her very much and still love her from a very deep yet detached place. Was faithful through ups and downs. We were living in rural France and my language skills were not the greatest. Would have left the marriage earlier but we have a (now 16 years old) son. Realized that I was drowning in my compassion for her and not taking care of my own needs. Leaving my son was the hardest thing ever. Had a good heart to heart talk before leaving. Could have played hard and taken him with me but that seemed cruel. Besides I felt like I was going crazy so it was actually a good thing in retrospect. Her(former wife) drinking was such that she was using it to medicate depression....and still is. Was not too concerned over safety for my son or I would have not made the decision I made. Talked to him EVERY day,(and wrote letters when the phone went out). After I returned to the states I would fly him back for holidays and summers. He moved back 2 years ago and did his sophomore year living with me. His mom moved back 6 months ago and lives 2 blocks from his school so he is staying with her now. He continues to do well. Very well.
The week I arrived back in the states(still married) I met the woman I recently broke it off with. Was still jet lagged and was out skiing with friends when this woman started up a conversation and ended up asking me out for tea. I accepted. Upon sitting down for tea I stated immediately that I was married and that I had just left an untenable marriage and was going to file for a divorce.
Perhaps a timeout is called for here to more explain how I felt being in an alcoholic marriage. I felt ignored, dismissed and small. I was constantly lied to. I also had a brush with cancer while there and had to return to the states for diagnosis and treatment. This put an extra strain on things. I had expressed my desire to return to the states together multiple times but it fell on deaf ears. Our original agreement with the move to France was for it to be 2-3 years. She moved back after 9 years.
Thus I feel like I was completely justified in moving on with my life. Upon returning to the states I was not looking or even expecting to look for a new relationship. I was shell-shocked. But the gods(or goddess) were smiling on me(or laughing) and presented me with this gift of a healthy beautiful intelligent woman.
So yes, I have been attempting to deeply understand my motivations for ending a relationship with this lovely woman. I may admit to not being "strong enough" to feel comfortable with her. I can see myself as wanting to accommodate others and put myself last which is really a recipe for disaster. And funny enough this woman never let me get into the position of "taking care of her". Very healthy on her part.
But then again she was/is very intense. Very. And I am much more laid back. At least I think I am. Different energetics. I appreciate being held...not just on a sexual basis. And I wanted more attention. Not a temple built in my honor, just something that she did not have to give.
I had written her numerous love letters. And even after the breakup I am continuing to write to her and share my thoughts and feelings. She responds kindly.
I have moments of feeling stupid(and beyond) in breaking it off. But I also have a feeling of deep deep peace. Perhaps those feelings are mutually exclusive in a relationship? Or perhaps the heart of the beast is my inability to communicate effectively concerning my feelings and hearts desire. More Pondering required here on my part.
I know I did not address all the items raised in earlier posts but wanted to take a stab at some degree of clarification (am I a virgo or what?).
And again I want to thank all for the comments. Some very deep feelings out there! Thanks for the nudges to keep me in that examination mode.