Hi sweetheart, It sounds like you need a boost of self confidence, something that you've been denied of for many years. It's not that people don't understand you, you don't understand yourself so it makes it hard for others to comprehend where your coming from. You are with a man that is not one of the nicest ones to be around, I see that he belittles you and makes you feel worthless, with many years of this going on you start to believe it yourself. I see drinking, this doesn't fix anything, it only heightens the situation. Please dont' think that getting close to someone is a bad thing, you just happened to pick the wrong one honey. Your worth so much more than you give yourself credit for. As you mentioned you have 5 beautiful children and I can feel the love that you have for them and them for you, they're just a bit confused right now on why you allow this man to treat you this way, they will grow up thinking that it's the right thing to do and I know that you dont' want that. I can already see a couple of them showing signs of his behavior. You, from what I see, are such a wonderful mother, so caring, kind, giving and nurturing. It's time for you to find someone to give you those same things. The first thing that I suggest that you do is to find out who you are, you have lost track of that person throughout the years. You have kept so much bottled up inside of you and put on a show for outsiders to see that it's eating you up inside. You have made him seem almost perfect to others and he's not! He is cruel....Some alone time without a man in your life is not so bad, it clears your thoughts, your heart and your soul, it allows you to learn things about yourself and to love who you are. Once you've done that I know that someone special will come along and it will be okay to get close, to allow yourself to love and to be loved for who you are. Sometimes the hard way is what we have to go through in order to understand what the good is. There is beauty in everything around you, just look and you'll find it including in yourself. It's time to stop taking the hard road and face your fears, whatever it is that's frightening you when you let your fear be know you only empower it, try not to fear anything or anyone, empower yourself and stop preoccupying yourself with this man, he has wasted enough of your life. When you do this and your fears are gone you will begin a new life.