I am an Aries, my husband is Cancerian. We have been married for nine years and have three gorgeous children together. Over the years, we have had extremely unstable living, financial and emotional conditions. He has lied to me on many occasions and I have been verbally abusive towards him. He plays with my mind and I lash out.
Approximately one year ago, we lost our home. I had on many occasions threatened I would leave him if we were left on the streets. He had made no real effort to make mortgage payments, and he was constantly "not being paid" by the people he worked for.
A long story, but we were physically separated for 4 months, during which time we would still spend considerable time together. At this time, he was still financially supportive to some degree, but the arguments became highly explosive, as effectively, our family was homeless.
When I eventually found a home for us, he moved in with us on the first day and acted as though all was well. That was end Oct last year. Come mid Dec, he disappears. He would not take my calls, would not respond to my messages, I had no idea what was going on! In the past, he would leave and come back when we were arguing, but the most he would stay away is a couple of nights, but NEVER and I repeat NEVER without contact.
A month later he returned but things were never the same. At the slightest argument he would leave again, come back again, tell me how much he loved me etc etc, leave again, tell me he hated me and did not want me, did not want to live with me, not happy etc etc, come back again.
Anyway, during all this, he made no real effort to financially support us or any effort towards reconciling the relationship. I cried, I begged, I pleaded to know what was going on. He gave me nothing other than he doesn't want to fight anymore.
During all this time since Dec, he does not answer my calls, which makes me extremely angry, so I start with the nasty messages about child support etc. He does not respond, does not call, and when he does, we yell at one another and he hangs up on me. Communication is only on his terms.
On the occasion he comes back or comes to see the children, I ask too many questions that he will not answer, leaving me emotionally void. I have asked him to give me closure and to "please let me go". He told me he's not ready to do that.
He thinks I am pathetic and a leech (his words).
Last time he left was mid March. Since then he has had his whole arm tattooed. He knows I don't like them although he has some previously. I don't know where or with whom he is staying. Sends me video link of Guns n Roses "Don't Cry" with lyrics.
Anyway, last time he came over to give me some money for the children, (I begged and pleaded), finally!, then next day comes over again and rummages through my room, finds the children's birthday monies I had been saving and takes it! Ten times more money than he gave me the day previously. Promises to come back next day to mow lawn with kids. Declines my calls next day, does not show up.
Monday, the day after he doesn't show up, our mobiles are disconnected. I now have no way of contacting him. I also realise the money has been taken and let his dad know what's happened.
He is repaying the money in instalments via his dad, but has made no effort to contact me or kids.
I also forgot to mention, he said he would only come back if we went counseling. He showed up first appointment, but after the money issue he has not attended again.
What am I holding on to, I don't know. How I fell for him so deeply, I don't know. I promised him I would make every effort to work on our relationship. I sincerely apologized for the hurt I caused him for so many years, and asked for his forgiveness and understanding as I was either pregnant or breastfeeding pretty much the whole time and very hormonal. I do accept and acknowledge the part I played, and am attending counseling to work on myself.
His father has said he pretty much wants to move on and it's obvious as he's not coming home.
What can I do? My suffering is immense. I don't want to let him go. I don't know whether he will come back and what to do to make him want to stay. I love him deeply and cannot accept that he would turn away from the beauty that we once shared and the beauty of our children.
Any insight and advice is appreciated.