I am for long struggling with my situation, and have a hard time to see the truth any longer. more time goes by, harder the issue persist.
I will try to make a long story short, and if questions arises I would love to fill you in so I can get the best answer from you.
I know this man, J, that I am living with for almost 16 years. I NEVER had love for him, and i was cautious of that since in the beginning. I told him that at ALL THE TIMES. he didn't want to have the ears to hear it. He always escaped the need to know the truth, because he loved me, and wanted to
have me at no cost. I, on my side, not having another better option, felt safe under "his umbrella" in many difficult times we went through. NOT FINANCIALLY ! I have been financially
independent until I gave birth to our child.
I see myself back then, very naive, totally lonely, powerless, coming out of a traumatized childhood.
But time went on, and many things happened and we were still together. to me this time accumulated a lot of unhappiness, lost of power and depression, and as a late bloomer I am, I kind of see my self lost at my best age--so to say.
after 9 years together, one beautiful day he just saw it reasonable to marry me, so I could have paper works, and our life would be easier under the circumstances back than. I didn't think of this as something amazing at all, as a couple would feel when they decide to marry, based on loving and caring for each other. he married me for papers and not because he wanted to make me happy.
I always was waiting for that moment in life when destiny brings me to a better place. I have been totally unhappy with him for so long. Only very late, 2 years ago, I realized that I haven't lived my life I should have lived, I have been too much of a late bloomer, and he has psychologically and few times physically abused me. it's hard to articulate it but yes I had been coming from a traumatized childhood, to an abusive relationship.
4 years later, I became pregnant, by accident, and I decided to have the child, after I had aborted 3. Instinctively, even though I don't love the man, I wanted to find happiness from anything I could. At this point I kind of surrender again to the idea that lets forget the past and have a better future, maybe love comes then. I tried and pushed for making a family with someone that never knew how to make me happy, but never would leave me alone when I tried so hard for the separation. giving birth to my child made me a different person, changed my whole being. the hard times continued when I was with my baby. even harder. I have to say that up to this moment, I had been financially independent, counting the last cent, paying the rent and all my food and clothes and dues. nothing depended on him, ...because he was very stingy, and would not pay for a coffee. I don't have a marriage ring yet. yes I know! however, I was ok with that. this was the least to say of my unhappiness with him.
but my son went through major health issues, that I had to deal alone with all the stress and would never have an half on hour break per week. Got all isolated and lived in home for up to when my son was 3. He never changed a diaper of him,never spend time with him, and only continued his abusive type of relationship, and having beers at nights with friends. the only thing he did and I was thank full for was he payed all the dues for our living.
At that time I had envisioned having 2 kids, one after the other, believing that they will need each other, and i would use a short time to raise them together, and told him that. He was very laid back, not caring on that at all, but not saying NO. Just some out of space guy that you have to press the buttons very hard until your fingers maybe crack to make them respond. So any way I got pregnant
again, when my son was one, and happy to make it through all the uncertainties of my husband. But I lost the child because of the stress, depression, and embarrassed to say the physical abuse, which I can't ever forgive him for. So for me this was it. I just prayed my son's happiness on his own !! no more kids for me.
So after my son went 3, I start looking for things to get out of home. something changed inside me, shakened me. I applied to the best school in city that I dreamed all my life to go, and got accepted one year later. start going to gym, when my son was in school, I was having some free time for a coffee with friends and got connected etc..
I got to participate to many exhibitions and got some success and was happy with myself. start building my self esteem, and totally convinced in myself that 'HE IS GOING TO BE ERASED FROM MY LIFE VERY SOON.' I felt old enough to understand that I can't live under this man's "umbrella" anymore.
I found power in me and I told him that, as I used to say to him times before. I told him all I am writing down here. as always, he use to say that I am not ok mentally when I said him these staff. He use to try to convince me that I am too depressed to be logical. But I knew he was wrong I just didn't like the drama to go on for too long, and waiting for the right moment.
So after my son was 3, my husband had to be away from home for a couple of years. He came home shortly within this period of time, to go back to work again. During this time, I fell in love for some one who I noticed around all of the sudden, and it was like coming from the skies. I had fallen
like this, for my first love too. that is a something you notice, when interaction is not there and the connection is so strong. not explainable.
just at this time when my husband was away, totally accidentally, I caught him in some sexual chats with many women. I was so surprised on the chats I was reading. very pour language and low class talking. disgusting ! I was never jealous to this. On the contrary I was praying for him to build some other relationship out there and live me alone. I had all my life wanted to be left alone from him. And now even more, because I was so infatuated after X. I faced my husband, and this time I let his family members know and mine that I want a divorce for that reason, and I assume there is more then that. I even told my husband that I am in love with X, and that I don't love him. He got panicked and freaked out and start apologizing and doing all sort of things to change my mind.
I felt that destiny was helping here. So just at this moment I approach the guy, X. For the first time in my life I did this that I never ever would thought I could do. I proposed him to date me out, with one condition that he has not a girlfriend. I thank myself for being so daring and having the courage to do this even though the outcome was devastating. ...some story goes on here but it was over without starting at all.
But my confusion starts here.
After all this has happened, my husband has done a DRAMATIC CHANGE. He came apologizing to me for all he did in the past, ...he agrees that his chats were abusive and perverted, and he has psychological issues, inferiority complexes and so and such.... He has a big tummy, so he likes
attention and he found a way through chats and online communication.
he listen patiently to what I have to complain and agrees that I am right..., that he has been wrong for so long..., says that he learned so much from me and he is begging to have another child with me. He apologies to have hurt me so many times, and he accepts he was arrogant and so unaware, but he want to change it all for the better. He told me "I know I can't hold you any longer,
but I would do any thing you want me to do just to keep you," ....and that I am the best mom in the world, and I am the only person he would not be able to let go, and he has let all his guards down and he has changed totally, all for the best. And he spends time with our son and has build relationship with him, and my son is so happy with that. he has been a whole different person for about a year, and I do believe it is not a lie, he really has chosen to change, and the changes are surprising to me.
But my concern is that I can't say that i love him now, because he has changed. because I never did. at the moment, I do forgive my husband, but I can't forget the past, and I can't fall in love with him. It seems as the destiny brought us together, for him to change in a better person, and for me to find the strength to live my life. on the other hand, my son needs him. i feel stuck and back to what should I do next? he is living again soon, with work, and what comes next??
I apritiate your advices and thoughts in this! <3ME