I dont know why im doing this....



  • Im sorry but I can't help but spill this out...but im lost...I've lost my way and can't seem to get back on track. The hope and dreams I used to have are gone, I have a hard time getting out of bed and all I do is cry. I have no purpose it seems and this is a strange place for me. I have been through so much worse but have always been able to pick back up and move forward. Always have a smile on my face and be a champion for those around despite what I may be going through. I hve found myself without so many times only to work hard and forge ahead to that goal. I have fallen but always got back up. I dnt know if it is because I have reached a point in my life, but all I can say is what's the use..and the tears just wont stop. I have no more faith. I don't know why im puting this on hear..but the thought of it all slipping away is more than I can bare..please forgive me for the crap I have spilled on this page..would much prefer to joke..laugh give words of encouragement and hope..but I just don't have it..thank you for giving me this space for a release of some sort....



  • What do you need, April175P?



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  • April175P,

    It is OK to cry... one thing that help me to find my force is to go back in time when you felt happy and joyful... visualize this time (it could be from childhood, or when you were with good teacher or family member or friend) and put your mind there and let yourself feel it as this time is now hold it for a while and then imagine how this person (you without negative thoughts) deal with situation where you are now... Do it slowly you can still cry : crying is a natural release of the emotional tension but do this visualization slowly and many times and this your happy and joyful person inside of you will help you to find your way, right way to deal with your situation.. There is no miracle you have to work yourself out from where are you now...and this is a tip, It does not hurt to try it... 🙂 Life is short but beautiful!!!!



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  • Maybe clarity..prayer...the sadness and tears for no reason at least that I can pinpoint is too much for me. My birthday is April 1 1975...don't know what I am looking for...maybe for a reassurance that life is not over and the heavy burden of my past will someday diminish...I used to love looking towards the future or even being thankful for the present but lately feel I have fucked up soooo much I don't know why I even care. Its not because I haven't walked in integrity either because I have just feel tired of always doing the right thing....being good doesn't get you good



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  • April175P,

    you just out of vital energy somebody or something take it away from you... the things that you doing against your will does it for your energy... and here are you are crying and do not know what to do... for whom you were being good? If you are are good for yourself this does!!! get you good or if you forced yourself to be good against your will than yes ... it doesn't get you good...

    Relax your body calm your mind and focus on beauty: listen for music mess en c Bach, or Stabat Mater of Jean-Baptiste Pergolèse .. you will find the strength to pull out yourself from your sorrow.... you are in the right path because you post it here...:)



  • My advice would be to not resist what Spirit is giving you. The tears and all. Try to get out of your head and allow it to be. Just be. You will learn much about yourself. It is not a bad thing. This too shall pass. It is cyclical. Sadness allows us to be 100% present to ourselves. No one is ever completely comfortable w/ this especially if they are used to running from it. Try to be patient. Spirit is telling you to slow down take care find nurturing ways to be loving to yourself. This is a good thing and when it shifts you will know yourself better and deeper and have much more to offer others. Empathy, compassion.

    Regards Pfree



  • Thank you and you are right. I run from my emotions ...I prefer to replace them with goals and aspirations. Its not a broken relationship other than the one with myself. I was placed in several hard decision making places and even though I know I made the right decisions the pain has been overwhelming. I have been blaiming myself. I will relax more and try to give myself a break. I will try to trust in God and the Spirits. Maybe they do like me..I just sometimes wonder. I appreciae everyone and there advice, I will put it to use. I know im very hard on myself and know part of the problem is me fitting a status placed on me by society..or maybe just placed on me by me. Its just that whenever hardships, abuse, loss employment came I would be able to get out of it with the thought that if I pull myself through this it will be because something better is around the corner..so, I would get out of the bad relationship, change career due to economy, go to school and work even harder...only to find once I got up I was knocked down again..choices maybe?..none of it due to me not puting in my 100 %..but even by doing so I am downagain and the joy of something better will come as long as I maintain integrety and kindness no longer helps me get through the day..and I wonder if it will ever return to me again...it just feels pointless when it all falls apart anyway



  • Thank you..your offer of friendship is appreciated...so are your thoughts...it isn't a broken relationship..I posted below..it is a brokenheart..not due to any man or person. I feel I have done this to myself...I feel iam my worst enemy. I realized that all I had worked for was for naught time and again based on a faltering idea...this is hard to swallow and I have found myself lost, scared and confused....I wonder who I am anymore and what my life would be if I just hadn't been me or at least with my messed up thinking. Would I have a family of my own..if I had not made all these decisions based on a lie inside my head would I be more fulfilled? I have persevered..I have overcome adversity and I have lived in integrity but I wonder if I had recognized my pipe dream was a lie maybe I would have made better and different choices instead of going through shattered glass time and again to keep watching it shatter some more



  • April, you may be ignoring the need for deeper exploration and involvement and can get stuck in a tendency to waste your energies on a preoccupation with appearances or an otherwise superficial view of life. You would do well to cultivate your need for variety yet at the same time striving to increase your stamina for the grind of detail work. A sense of context and the desire to educate yourself in matters of tradition and where you come from will give you a better sense of where you are going and how to get there. You may have had a very rough beginning to life, yet the unresolved issues or secrets of childhood will provide you with needed clues to the workings of your own psyche. You have to develop confidence in your brain power, which you may have lacked in your youth. Not the intelligence - the confidence. You must overcome any past social ethnic, or racial prejudices that made you feel stupid or inferior. You are gutsy, original and very clever with high moral standards and strong ideas and convictions. Once freed from the demons of the past, you will be released from unproductive behaviour patterns and will be able to achieve the success you so desire.

    You destiny is to be a catalyst for change by committing to a cause, a project or even another human being - discovering the joy of changing and reforming people's lives for the better. Use your tremendous energy not to run around doing a million things at once and moving about anywhere and everywhere, but with a disciplined focus and determined purpose. You want everyone to understand your point of view, to accept and support you, and to recognise your positive motivations, but you can't manipulate people into thinking your way. You may talk fast but is it real communication or just noise? In order to reach your goals, you must focus your attention on speaking your own truth. As you prove yourself a trustworthy person and share your spirtual values and life lessons with others, you will find that you become much happier and contented in yourself. You are a highly intuitive person so use those psychic gifts to read others better and make more informed choices in life. You are perfectly designed as a problem-solver. You are here to overthrow established systems and insititute new ways of viewing or doing things. Not only are you here to change society but to reform your own moral and value systems.



  • El Captain gives wonderful advice April. It may feel like you've died and have lost everything you thought was the base of yourself and existence. However, there is light on the other side. The time will pass as will the uncertainty. Uncertainty along with fear that can only be truly dissolved in this vulnerable state. You'll emerge more complete have faith in that. I can remember TheCaptains words shining a light for me. Peace



  • Hello April,

    You remind me of a butterfly that is cocooned and developing into a true beauty that will soon break out of that inner shell and expose to the world what you are truely made of, sometimes when we lose hope that whatever we are doing and wanting is leading us to a Dead End Street , we have reached a Stopping Point only that forces us to withdraw inside ourselves and ask questions like you are doing now. Growth is a hard process and that is what you are going through. In the New Year you will shed off most of the ideas you hold as true and find out that you stand at the treshold of New beginnings on most levels and this just may be where all of these feelings are coming from. You will want to rid yourself of everything that no longer serves you well, you will begin to see and understand that you can make mistakes and you will no longer beat yourself up for them, but grow and learn from them. I feel a strong sense of wonder about you and that you would make a perfect healer, do you do reiki as you would be a wonderful practicioner and fullfill your need to help others also. You will be enjoying life again really soon , the new year you will want to get into classes that give you a better understanding of life around you and how to deal with the lows in more spiritual ways. Self help is needed also reading books will help with this soul searching also. Do you have a child or want one, as I feel a baby coming into your circle in 2011 also. Keep us updated on how you are doing.

    Blessings coming to you, be ready for them.



  • Thank you ECaptain, shuabby and alfied...I appreciate your information and insight..baby? Not really planning on one..had actually given up on the idea..but thank you..didn't seem possible. I am going to strt praying and reading self help. I have been dealing with hidden childhood trauma ever since my divorce and know a lot of my issues stem from that time in my life. I will allow myself to cry but feel disconnected from the root problem..feel if I go to deep I wont ever recover. I feel the churning underneath and am afriad it will over take me..this emotion is sooo scary..so overwhelming...but im going to take all the advice and hope you are right shuabby...I hope it is just a cacoon and that I will make it through...I need to make it through..hope I can make it through actually loving myself and maybe thinking I deserve love...writing that alone makes my stomach churn..why would I deserve love..if the spirits and God thought I did then why can't I find the place inside me to love myself?



  • April, unless you gather the courage to go deep and bring your problems and issues to the surface, that churning in your stomach will only get worse. They only seem overwhelming because they are hidden - even from you. Bring them out and expose them to the light - they're really not as bad or as hopeless as you think.



  • I wanted to say thank you again. I am trying ecaptain...been spending more time alone hoping to reflect and discover, but a block and numbness comes..then as soon as im just going about my day the tears will come for no apparent reason...my sister will say..what is wrong and I honestly cannot answer. I know this will change..or at least the hope is there..I have been having some good days. I WANT TO GAIN THAT CONFIDENCE you speak of..I always had it before..don't understand why I can't tap into it now..or maybe the confidence was just me running and now it has all caught up with me...anyway..thank you..thank you soooooooo very much. I can't even stand being around myself these days and your right ecaptain its really not as bad as I think...part of me wants to get rid of everything and everyone in my life so I can start over..do you think God sees me? Maybe he can send angels my way to protect me? Guide me and maybe if he does see me he will help heal me? I'm so broken...Do you think anyone will ever love me?



  • April, what is this faltering idea you had that you based your life on?

    And God and the angels are always around you, protecting and guiding you - it's just that you can't sense or feel them when your head is full of a dark fog of fear and negativity.



  • Your right...im going to start believing in me and believing that it is not as bad as I think it is.....my life isn't that bad and yea god angels are all around me and im going to start reaching out to them for guidance and strength..one day at a time...the faltering idea was that if I had the perfect job and worked hard and was successful..got my college education...paid my bills and was this good girl I would be blessed with a family...someone to love and they would love me..if I put my 100 percent I would get 100 percent back...n stead im divorced..economy killed my job and finances and im now no better than when I started...even when all that fell apart I.picked back up got a good job...was in a great relationship and back on track...I never faltered...now I am again back where I started ...then got another great job that I love..got a great bf that had 2 beautiful children that I adored and they loved me..I have no children...only to have that fall apart...not do to me not being a hard worker or not being faithful or not giving my 100%...so here I am..no children..no one to love and still struggling financially...I always thought that if I did all of this to make myself valuable someone would want me..I started school again in hopes of making myself more valuable..yet I keep seeing it all fall apart around me...and now I have found no desire to pick up the peices again...I have no desire for a family of my own...I have no desire to continue..because that wonderful..beautiful idea that kept me going..no longer seems like it will be a reality...and this shakes me to the core..maybeif I was in my early 20s...mid 20s or even early 30s I cld dream again....but the dream seems over....except for wht shuabby said but. Now im just not sure...I had a wonderful group of friends that has disbanded because I wldnt allow them to crush one of the girls in the group..it has been difficult to say the least



  • Your mistake was in belieiving what society or your family told you was right for you. You settled for something other than what you really wanted. But subconsciously you have been fighting the idea that a certain job, a certain type of partner, and family life were what you needed. Now you have to get in touch with what YOU want, not what anyone tells you you should want. It's time to find your individual and unique path - to choose to live the life that suits you, and only you - to recall old dreams and goals and relive them in a new way. You will probably discover that what you thought you wanted was not anything like what you really dared to dream of having.