Cancer man left hole in my heart
I'm a Pisces and the cancer man I've loved for the last 10 years broke up with me 8 months ago. We lived together for the last for 9 out of the 10 years. He helped raise my two children from a prior marriage. I loved him totally and completely but he decided that he needed to assert his independence or go off and have a mid-life crisis. He just said that he didn't deserve the type of love i was trying to give him. For the 1st 2 months of the "break-up", he said that he really didn't want to classify it as a break-up... he just didn't want to make a decision either way. I guess i pressured him to make a decision and he chose the later. I still have limited contact with him because of my kids, especially my youngest. He says that he still loves me and that will never change but he does not want to reunite...he says its too hard & complicated to even talk about. I spent the last few months wondering what really happened...he has never said specifically....is there someone else... or is it just that the love is gone... its been 8 months and the normal person would have moved on... But I cry everyday and night.... I still love him and want him back... I can't seem to move on or let go... I have this hole in my heart that i can't heal...
I've noticed that cancer men are going through some astrological thing right now and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.... I do all i can to give him the space he says he needs but my heart breaks more and more everyday... any advice would be welcome
When he said, he didn't want to classify it as a breakup. CANCERIANS HAVE A HARDTIME MAKING DECISIONS BUT GIVEN AN ULTIMATUM...THEY'LL CHOOSE THE WAY OUT IF IT'S GIVEN TO THEM. IT'S THE EASIEST WAY OUT FOR THEM. THERE'S A GOOD CHANCE, HE FOUND SOMEONE ELSE IF HE WASN'T TIED TO MARITAL VOWS. IT MAY HAVE TO DO WITH FINANCES, i DON'T KNOW...ONLY YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS WERE OR ARE.
I loved him totally and completely but he decided that he needed to assert his independence or go off and have a mid-life crisis. He just said that he didn't deserve the type of love i was trying to give him. WHAT KIND OF LOVE WERE YOU GIVING HIM? THAT SOUNDS LIKE A CANCERS WAY OF WANTING OUT OF A RELATIONSHIP. OF COURSE HE DERSERVED IT...WHAT HE WAS SAYING IS YOU DESERVED SOMEONE BETTER. HE JUST WANTED OUT! tHERE WAS NO MARRIAGE CONTRACT TO BIND HIM WAS THERE? CANCERIANS DON'T EVER REALLY END ANYTHING. THEY PRETTY MUCH STAY IN TOUCH. ESPECIALLY IF KIDS ARE INVOLVED, ESPECIALLY IF HE WAS PART OF THE KIDS LIFE FOR 10 YEARS. MAYBE HE'S BEEN SEEING OTHER LADIES RIGHT ALONG AND FELT HE DIDN'T DESERVE YOUR LOVE. IF THAT'S THE CASE, DON'T LOOK BACK! yOUR BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM.
I've noticed that cancer men are going through some astrological thing right now and there doesn't seem to be any end in sight.... FROM WHAT I'M READING....CANCERIANS ARE FINDING LOVE! I'M NOT SURE THAT'S A BLESSING OR NOT, ALL DEPENDS ON HOW MUCH THEY VALUE THEIR FREEDOM! ACTUALLY, CANCERIANS ARE COMING OUT OF THEIR PROVERBALLY SHELLS AND HAVING SOME FUN! ....GIVE IT SOME TIME AND IF YOUR SURE IT'S OVER....READ "REBUILDING" BY BRUCE FISCHER ....IT HELPED ME GET OVER SOMEONE. IF YOU READ THIS BOOK, HIGHLIGHT THE THINGS THAT YOU IDENTIFY WITH. WHEN I READ IT ...I THOUGHT I WROTE THE BOOK.
I do all i can to give him the space he says he needs but my heart breaks more and more everyday... any advice would be welcome
WHILE YOUR GIVING HIM THE SPACE HE NEEDS, FIND A GUY FOR YOURSELF...MAYBE HE'LL CHANGE HIS MIND FASTER. IF NOT....AT LEAST YOU'LL BE HEALING YOURSELF.
no we weren't married...and yes there were some financial problems... i guess i figured we all go through things and every relationship has tough patches but i found out that he does not agree with that philosophy... he said all relationships should be smooth and easy...
i KNOW that i need to move on but i CAN'T seem too... i've tried dating and it ends up the same... i spend my nights crying even more
Okay lets get real here. I know your heart is broken into a million pieces, and I have been there, only once and that was enough for me. It took me FIVE years to get over my second husband leaving me. He told me all the same things your guy is saying, and as it turned out, there was another woman.
So here is what I learned and I hope it will help you to get over this much faster than I did. I existed long before I ever knew my second husband. I had a life, friends, activities, hobby's, I loved to read, write, do crossword puzzles, etc. Relationships DO NOT define us they may enhance us, but they NEVER define us. What your doing is allowing this portion of discontent, sadness, and grief to define you. STOP, go back to who you were before this man. You did not say how old you are, but based on what you wrote I would have to say late thirties early forties. Do you realize how much more life you have ahead of you. No person (not just a man) is worth losing yourself over.
Now pick yourself up, dry your eyes, and get out there in the world. There is so much to discover and learn. I think when things like this happen to people it is a gift, it gives us the opportunity to really get back into the world and live. If you and this man are meant to be, it will be, but, you have to find yourself again, or what will you have to offer any other love relationship. I know it's hard but you have to do this.
I hope this helps
Myviewpoint: everything you say is true... things i already know... my problem is that i'm having so much Picses heart trouble implementing all the things that I KNOW i need to do.... the pain is so deep that it makes the healing process next to impossible....
The Cancer men seem to be going through a hard transition from the old way they had things to the new way of things... I know dating other men may just make you miss him more. Focus on the kids and do something you have always wanted to do. See friends, make new ones... this is your life, it's to precious to waste.
Well TruPisces7, I know exactly what you are feeling and going through. I'm going through the same thing and it hurts deeply. I was seeing a Cancer man for the past 4 yrs. But he keeps putting me on an emotional roller coaster ride and I had to get off the ride. It has been very difficult because I love him deeply. But his back and forth stuff and inability to be honest is to much to deal with anymore. I know that he will probably try to come back when he's done playing again but if I don't stop it, it will go on and on and it has gone on long enough. But it is hard to heal when the hurt is so deep. I've also tried dating other men but I can't seem to get him out of my mind and heart. I have decided that I need to give myself permission to grieve and hurt and take the time to heal. I do feel that in the long run I will be better off. I have spent many nights crying and devestated. And so I know how you feel. Sometimes it helps to know that you're not alone. I'm a Taurus.
KarmaCutie: I will try to get back to some normality but as i said the pain is deep...
Mountainkat: u are so right... it is nice to know that someone out there truly feels me... i know that i am grieving and i guess after 8 months, i thought that all the pain would be subsiding... lighting up on me... but i feel like the break up was yesterday...i'm still devastated...
KarmaCutie: I try to find things to keep me occupied and there are things that i have always wanted to do... but they come with there own set of obstacles(money). But sometimes in my quest to stay busy.. i find myself in situations that i shouldn't be in...doing things i shouldn't...more to get his attention than anything else....none of this is productive but my impulsive, emotional pisces nature just takes over and before i know it its too late.
I do so appreciate everyone's advice... and i plan to work harder on pulling myself together(if that's possible)... i hope to get more feedback to add to rest so i will have lots of great advice to refer too
What Myviewpoint was saying is absolutely spot on. I was with my 1st husband for about 20 yrs and we split up on our 15th wedding anniversary when I actually caught him talking to his mistress on the telephone. I had thought something wasn't right for months but there was no evidence and whenever I tried to ask him what was wrong he blamed "work problems","tax problems" etc ....as it turned out was a load of BS! I chucked him out there and then, and struggled with my feelings as well as trying to raise 3 young children. I went back to being the person I once was....pursued my hobbies that I had inadvertently neglected, and got on with trying to live my life. Its not easy and it is painful BUT I started to feel better and the pain eased. Afterwards I did date a few men but no one caught my eye but then I did meet my now husband, we have 2 kids together now....I remarried at the age of 39 and still going strong several years later! Your heart is breaking now but try and be positive....it will heal soon. Promise.
I forgot to add that I used to try and get my ex's attention too....even up to a year later...I can kick myself now for being so pathetic!!! I think it was about a year after the split that it really dawned on me that I had enough of dwelling in the past ...and I started to really get over our break up.
Trupisces7......Stop greiving over a man who wants something other than you and your children. Not all cancer men areTom Hanks! I know pisceans are emotional divas and you have to realize that about yourself and find some stability in your life for you and your children. I have had many many problems with Cancers. All astrology books etc.....want to make them sound like saints but their not. I have told both of my children, a taurus and a Leo that men/women and money come and go. You and your children are much more important than a man who is finding himself............he is gone...........make a new life for yourself now!
I'm a Cancer, still loving a Pisces. He said he didn't deserve my love, didn't know what to do with it. Anyway....this isn't about me.
Was he in the military by any chance?
People sabotage themselves when they do not feel worthy of happiness. Since you weren't pushing him away......he ran. Same thing. Sabotage.
You're on his mind and in his heart. I hope he grows up, gets a grip and realizes the love he had with you is one of a kind and can never be duplicated. He knows this already......it really isn't you.....it's him. Just keep your thoughts positive and try to be happy.........you haven't lost him. He'll be back.
I empathize beyond what you can imagine.
I have been recovering from My cancer man with scorpio moon for at least three years now . I have been in therapy and found EFT technique(tapping) enormously helpful. I too can't seem to get my my mind and body and soul detached from his ultimate narcissm. He never quite lets go and cant tell the truth. Bottom line...I had to get a life and bit by bit I rebuild. Its hard on kids to see us grieve so heavily yet authentic to do so when MAKING EFFORTS TO MOVE ON. Its all I could /can do. Step by step rebuild. Just to let you know. My attempts to get his attention worked for a while ...but now if I do that..the universe warns me immediately with, broken teapots, candle damage to my laptop computer, banged elbows, stubbed toes, light bulbs burning out. Its hard to believe but his walking out is ultimately a gift. My own co - dependence blinded me to the longterm effects of his dishonesty and selfish usage of the hearts and emotions of others.
I think becuase of the love that we possess can be to much.....poeple can't really handle it.....they begin to take it for granted.....in the future when you fall in love again and you will...it's apart of you makeup....remember that half of the love that you have in your heart belongs to you...and god....share the other half with others....friends and family.....continue to spend time s with friends and family spend time away from you male friend....we love to hard....you must acknowledge that first.....find things that you love doing and if it not harmfuls to your mind and body do it.....thaats what I'm doing ive been married for 25 year and he has been on the side lines for 15 years.....I surprise he didnt ask to leave but life with me was easy.....but now i'm mad becuase i feel used ...he is a cancer.....but i've taken control which you have the ability to do.......show him that you can move on.....that usually scares them...even when theyre with someone else...dont give him the satisfaction of knowing that you can't live without him so you think and heart is telling you....tell you heart to be still and find love else where....write down the reason why you love yourself....
make it till you fake it.....sister in love......
I am a Capricorn who is breaking up with a Cancer man too (this week) - he says and does all the right things when we are together - but seems to forget me when I am not there..... As he is too busy with his freedom/friends to even contemplate me. I can totally relate to what you are going through as I too am there with you with a big hole in my heart and having no idea what to do.
It seemed like we were going to be together forever and he made me believe it (I am quite cynical when it comes to people being around forever - I just don't think it happens!) I didn't commit to him for at least 6 months and then when I did he ran for the hills!
Unfortunately the "other" person in our relationship is the pub. I just couldn't deal with all of the hurt that came along with being with him and even though I am hurting more now I know it will pass. I am getting counselling and am finding it helps heaps. I want to be "better" for the next person who I fall in love with... I can't see myself doing it for quite sometime yet - but I have to keep positive that it will and not let this eat me up inside.
my GAWD!!! what the heck is UP with these jackass CANCER men??? They must all be at the bottom of the wheel right now.........Does anyone else notice the flooding of posts about women trying to figure out their Cancer men?????
paulaj: I know, right???? lol
You may want to go and read my responses about Cancer men in regards to KarmaCutie's post, " Will my crabby Cancer come crawling back? ". But with you being with this Cancer male all of this time, you should already have learned a lot of that.
One point that I did not cover, however, is that Cancer men can be very sneaky cheaters. And they WILL continue to lie about it to the bitter end. They hate 'water works" from their females, and don't want to "hurt their feelings" (they really don't want to feel guilt for the pain they are causing). So they lie, and feed you the kind of crap your guy fed you. Knowing Cancer males the way I do, your guy is definitely seeing someone else. He doesn' t really know where it's going, and that's why he didn't push on cutting all ties. And it's true, Cancer males have a tendency to want to be in the picture, even if they don't really want you any more...they DO hate to totally cut ties.
My Cancer guy and I used to live together, too. It was his idea, and he had to ask me 3 times before I would say yes. But for a good part of that time, he displayed all types of unacceptable behavior, and wouldn't open his heart to me. I left him, and started dating other people. After a few months, he started coming around and calling, and wanted to pick up where we left off. Right before I moved out, I had discovered that he had another woman IN OUR HOME while I was away. That was the last straw for me. In that process, he had stripped me of my personal power, and I was less than desirable to him because of it...even though it was his fault.
When I moved out, I was on a mission to regain my personal power as a woman. One of the things that helped me was meditating with the "Medicine Woman Tarot" card deck. That deck saved me, and helped me regain my sense of self again. Then I began studying on how to be a better lover by reading just about every book I could get on the subject. In the mean time, I had totally planned to "cut all ties" with this Cancer cheater. One thing a Libra gal hates more than anything, is for a guy to make a fool of her. Eventually my pain turned to anger, and I constantly put him off when he tried to contact me. This just seemed to make him want me more...so I finally discovered how to deal with him through the process of all of it.
Now we are "together", and he tells me he loves me all of the time. If I don't call him or text him after a few days, he gets upset because I haven't attempted to contact him. I have totally turned the tables. I have told him on several occasions that I would not consider living with him again, as I feel that is what ruined our relationship. (We were having financial difficulties, too. And Cancers don't deal well with major finance problems. If they can, they'll run from them.) He gets jealous and posessive if he sees me interacting with a man in a way that he doens't like. That's pretty nervey for a cheater. But he thinks he has a right, because he STILL denies that he ever cheated on me. If the subject gets brought up, he gets all defensive about it and storms out. (By the way, Cancers are the perpetual adolescents of the Zodiac....they never quite grow up, or deal with problems in an adult manner.) He's convinced himself that if he just sticks to his story, and continues to deny his cheating, that eventually I'll believe him. I DON'T, and I won't. I don't bring it up any more, because it just starts a fight and ruins our time together.
I admit, that going through all this with has made me a little jaded with him, but that's what keeps him on his toes. We spend wonderful time together, and he says all things I used to want to hear from him. The problem is, he killed a part of me back then, and I can't seem to really get all of those feelings back. And him continuing to lie about it just makes it worse. All in all, we do have good quality time together, and the intimacy is fantastic. So I take it for what it is, and enjoy it. But I no longer consider him long-term mate material, and a part of me is open to meeting someone else who wouldn't consider putting me through the hell he has put me through. There's no trust on my part, even though he now swears his love for me. I just don't seem to care that much any more...he emotionally wore me out.
Woman! You need to regain your personal power as a woman, and do as the others have said and go find YOU again. CUT ALL TIES with this guy! If you don't, you'll never really heal from the pain. Him being around is a constant reminder of bad feelings that you don't need to focus on.
And where are your kids when you're doing all this weeping? Do you think it's good for them to see you depressed and crying all the time...or hear you crying in your bedroom at night? NO, it's not. Think about what advice you would give your kids if they were treated as you have been by a mate. Would you advise them to let that person keep coming around them and your grandkids? I don't think so. You really don't want to pass along the "doormat legacy" to your kids. You want them to have HEALTHY, loving, and honest relationships. YOU have to be the example on how to do that.
Right now, you're giving him the best of both worlds...he gets to see other women, and still have a relationship with your kids, too. If you were married, it might be a little different. But since this guy never saw fit to commit to you, you shouldn't feel obligated to keep him around...especially if they aren't his kids.
This isn't just about how you are being affected. It's affecting your family dynamic, too. If you can't cut him off for yourself, do it for your kids. I guarantee you there's been another woman in the picture all along, and you need to show your kids what needs to be done when a mate cheats. For your emotional health, and PHYSICAL HEALTH, there should be a "zero tolerance policy" in regards to cheating...and lying about it. (I'm sure if you do a little investigating, you'll find I'm right on target.)
As for me...I'm finding Aquarians and Sagittarians rather fascinating these days. Who knows? Maybe one day my Cancer guy will say, "But, I love you!". And like Rhett Butler said to Scarlett O'Hara (whom I'm sure was a Cancer gal), I might just say, "Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn!" Karma can be a real be-atch...
Ditto Paulaj! This is crazy, I've never focused of the depth of astrology but this is weird, something is definitely going on with Cancer men, even my Cancerian two year old son is acting extra emotional lately.
SweetRaven: You are exactly where I am with my Cancer, I've basically ruled him out as a long term potential. I feel like he has a very childish adolescent nature (we live in Atlanta, I'm from here and he moved here about two years ago and feels that he must go out to night clubs 3-4 times a week at the age of 33 and I am a Ph.D. student who is focused on networking and building a consulting business.) I've just learned after his second disappearing act to put him in the "Mr. Right Now" category. I've met a lot of amazing men who have been very caring and good, I'd never flaunt them in front of the Cancerian man but they are very intuitive, he knows that someone has my attention...so I say that to say find yourself another social outlet. Since I am a Taurus I have a very loyal nature. We don't befriend a lot of people but when we choose to add people to our circle we are loyal for life. You can still "burn a candle" for him ( I actually burn a candle for my Cancer when I send up a prayer for him at night) but just shift his position in your thoughts.