Will be grateful for any thought on the situation: the collegue hates me

  • I have a colleague Jennifer ( not her real name) who is 24 year old she was assign to me to teach her ...( born 13 Nov 1986) I am not a native speaker but I am established in the field that I need to taught her... I was born 16 Feb 1964)

    At the beginning she did well and I was excited how smart and good she is... however she got only at the beginning of the study then she wanted to do her way which was not very good as she has no experience in the field of study... when I try to correct her she became hate me because my style of speaking is direct and not very subtle as I am not native speaker. I try to find the way to understand why it is so and even apologies for her for few misunderstanding but Jennifer slowly and surely begins to hate me with all her visceral....

    No need to tell that Jennifer did not do the work and I do it in stead of her… However it is extremely difficult to be around her. She has extreme negative energy towards me and I do not know how I can protect myself... She also writes the letters where she lies about me. Even if I am more experience in the field she knows the best how to please the boss so I feel that I screw up...

    How I can overcome this situation with dignity and feel good about myself and be gracious. /.. I do not want to be like her to report to boss or shout angry as she did for me.... Deep in my heart I feel sorry for her as she does not understand what she is doing to me, she never worked in foreign country as I am, but she is damaging me and my reputation badly...

    Please any thought how to be out of whole of this situation with grace

  • The fact that your colleague is unconcerned with her public image allows her to exhibit unruly and obnoxious behaviour. She doesn't care what others think of her and she bores very easily with the ordinary and conventional, and may act in a bizarre fashion just to stir up excitement in her life. She likes to do things herself and does not like to be taught or told what to do by someone else. Both of you can be bullied by those with stronger wills or more aggression so that when someone like your colleague finds someone like you who is also rather passive, then she turns on you and enjoys tormenting and bullying you as she has been bullied. You must stand up to her, and then she will back down. Otherwise, if you don't stop her, she will continue to harass you - just because she can. It's her way of striking back at the people who bullied her in the past. She has a lot of anger inside her for a long time and it is coming out at you. This has become about power - will you allow your colleague to have power over you or will you fight back? Go to the boss if she will not stop when you ask her to. I can see you have a fear of expressing your feelings and of being rejected but there are times when you just have to stand up for yourself when you are being abused. Emotional detachment will not work here.

  • The Captain, thank you from all my heart. Yes, you are right for both of us.

    It looks like power struggle for me as well. Here is my question: how to avoid power struggle and still to be winner not in term the winner and the loser but feel good about myself.

    It is time to stand for myself for sure.

  • I would document everything. I would also report her misconduct to the Boss, or the people in charge. I have no sympathy for this "Jennifer", who is nothing more than a fool! I do not know what you do as a profession in this "foreign" country? But I get the impression that this woman, who was assigned to work under you sounds like a "little miss know it all", and she only know the little knowledge that you taught her. Basically "Jennifer" does not "know that ropes", and has therefore made you an enemy. Now she (Jennifer) is using deceit to get rid of you. She is allying herself with the people of authority (I am assuming that you work for a company, or organization), and through the slandering of your work ethic, and your character is seeking to convince them to fire you, or to be politically correct..."let you go".

    Stop being the victim, and fight back! This is definitely a "defamation of character", and I am assuming that you worked to hard to get where you are at "career-wise" to have some trifling bitch come along, and undermine everything that you worked for. And only because..."she don't like you."

    This reminds me of the vindictiveness on my own job.

  • Hi Independent, Sit down today and try to document everything she has said and done in detail and your response. Keep in a note pad and bring to work with you. Keep in your purse or locker. You may have to write events down during your lunch. Whether you tell Management at this point is up to you, I feel sooner or later you'll have to. Make sure everything is dated. If Management calls you in to discuss, you'll have your documentation. Also, write down everything Management tells you whether good or bad---take notes. If Management should write you up adversely, document on the write-up your side of the story. This is all very important. Question everything that you don't understand. Don't be afraid to ask questions. Don't be afraid if management gets upset.

    I had a similar incident I'm sorry to say w/ a Scorpio. What was funny is that I was working under 4 job codes and she was only working under one.

    Be as friendly as you can to this assoc. and don't allow her to upset you. Sometimes Management sees this as a personality conflict so you MUST have concrete facts, how often it occured, dates etc.

    If you do this, you are protecting yourself.

  • Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!

    I am grateful for TheCaptain, Thor9 and Dalia to give their inside about this situation. It is my first step to protect myself to discuss it in this Forum. People in this forum are beautiful human being!

    Now I at least understand what is going on.

    It is interesting that Dalia (Aquaruis) had the same problem with Scorpio. I think that the situation where I am now is giving me the chance to learn how to be professional, calm and focus no matter what. To be professional I need to believe in myself and know that I am doing everything right. The Captain, Thor9 and Dalia you give me the strengthen to work on the situation in the way that I can stand up for myself.

    These days are critical for my work and if I make it I will be in the field (science) for a while and with four planets with Aquarius in my chart that what I like to do the most! I am established scientist in the field but yes passive and live in the head, not on the ground!

    I know NOW if I do not learn now how to speak and interact with angry people at work I can lost the work that I like to do the most! I can’t do the whining anymore but need to do the the action, the right and proper one. I learn not to be naïve and nice person but professional. I will do what Dalia advice to document everything and knowing that what ‘’Jennifer” is doing has a name “defamation of character" give me the right attitude.

  • Good for you!

  • Hi Independent,

    I had this thought also as this is likely with this type individual. Don't be surprised if this person lies about you. I don't want to make you paranoid but it's very likely that this will happen. There's always underlying reasons for this behavior. Again, don't let it bother you. This is my philosophy--don't get upset, just stick to the facts (document.) Don't worry about having too much information. I have about 50 pages on my computer when I was going thru something similar. And I had my notepad in my locker.

  • Dalia,

    Yes, she did make lies about me already and I reported to the superior one month ago. The superior acted immediately to put her in different project which was right thing to do. But this make her more angrier as ever.... that is a reason I addressed here as I saw that situation is dangerous for my reputation as she makes a problem where there are none. She is good worker and has discipline ...but yes a lot of anger and I am there... Honestly I saw many people in the world but such deep and irrational hate towards me I experienced for the first time that is a reason why I am looking for advices... I definitely did some mistakes rather in communications but never in my heart and soul I feel anything even close against her... I still think that she is brilliant and she has a great potential if she can handle her temper. However, to protect myself I am doing what you adviced me to do. (Thank you). The working place should never be the place where anger has to be released...so I do make document everything and yes I am calm and focus on the projects at work. This is a great lesson for me when if I do one wrong movement and will lost the position in the really fantastic place to be!

  • Don't take this personally - she is acting from past upsets when she was bullied and abused by other people and she just takes it out on you because she thinks you will accept it and not fight back.

  • The Captain, thank you. I have a question for you: Should I look for other place to work right now, may be in other country? Will be relieve for me from all these power struggles in my working place?

  • No, you will face more power struggles elsewhere unless you face your problems now and deal with them. You can't outrun them. You have to make a stand.

  • Wow, so I must stand them. Thank you

  • Independent Girl:

    I agree with "The Captain" about the power struggles. You cannot waste your time running. You have to make a stand, and do all you can to protect yourself in your place of work. I would not advise leaving unless your situation is unbearable, and your work environment has become hostile to the point that "Management" is not doing anything to squash the pettiness. Unfortunately--you will always have someone that is going to "dislike" you for something. Then you will have others, who will actively plot your downfall, especially if you are perceived as an obstacle in their path of their own agenda . I observe a lot of envy, and greed in my wanderings. Very unfortunate "Societal ill" that may never be cured.

  • Thor9, thank you. It is true : "Unfortunately--you will always have someone that is going to "dislike" you for something". It is soo true. It is time to learn to stand for myself and continue to do what I like to do the most.... However desire to run away is very strong... The managment is not bad here and if I do everything in proper way I will be fine for sure!

  • Well. one month passed and I did work for both of us to do the presentation : it will be tomorrow. We will be standing together and she will showing my work ... My superior told that he does not take side in the conflict and the conflict will be resolved by itself if I do not do any action. The presenation is the face of the company so I am proud that I did this work to bring up the company even she take credit for that. However I feel like superior really take her side and I feel (or it may be my sick imagination?) there is something cooked behind my back.

    How real my feeling are? These feeling coming in waves... I feel it like a panic attack in a way that I am trapped and there is no issue from the situation. Please if anybody let me know if this feeling are real and there is really something going behind my back or it is just my ego feeding my destructive negative thinking?

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