My husband died 9.23.2010

  • My husband very recently passed away. He took his own life, after drinking for the first time in a while. He was a completely different person when he drank. Like living with Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. He didn't like himself and didn't like how his drinking affected his family. He wasn't depressed and there were no warning signs. Life was going good for us, as far as I knew. We have a baby on the way (17 weeks pregnant now) and he was excited to prove himself as a dad. He would have been such a GREAT father. I always knew this. He was great with kids.

    On 9.23.2010, he bought alcohol at the local liquor store and proceeded to bike to our nearby "spot". It was where he proposed and where we married ourselves. He went there with all kinds of camping gear, this is how I know this wasn't planned. It didn't take him much anymore to get drunk and blackout. Although I KNOW this wasn't planned, I also worry that he didn't even really know what he was doing. He did leave a note of sorts, but it was mostly drunken ramblings. He did say that he loved us (his family) and that he was sorry.

    I didn't know it at the time, but I know when he died. I got this overwhelming agony, heartsick, missing him pain in my chest. I immediately called our house to talk to him and tell him I missed him. He wasn't there. Later, the coroner couldn't pinpoint his death exactly, but my agony fell within the "time frame'"of what he predicted, so I knew.

    I'm really struggling right now because he was my everything. I feel like a large part of me died when he died. I want to know that he's ok, I want to know that the "afterlife" really exists and that I will see him again. I want to know if he even knows WHY he did this to himself. One night this week before I went to bed I was begging him, if he existed, to come to me in my dreams so that I can talk to him and know that he's there for sure and that he's ok (I'm also afraid that he's a ghost stuck on earth). I had nightmares that night. I dreamt I was being followed and stalked by someone I didn't know. I later read on this sight that I may have invited someone else in through my despair.

    I know there are no magic words, but I just don't know what to do or where to turn. I miss him so much and I need to know that he's ok. I need him to know how much I love him and that I'm sorry I couldn't save him.

  • I'm not equipped to help you with this, beyond telling you that there is DEFINITELY something after we leave this life, and it is GLORIOUS. When my niece was about 5 minutes old, I looked into her eyes and saw my beloved grandmother, standing there with her arms outstretched. (She had passed the year before.) I KNEW, to the bottom of my soul, that she still existed somewhere and was happy, healthy and waiting for all of us. I had the distinct and sure knowledge that my niece had actually (somehow, in some form) been with my grandmother before she came here, kept safe. I felt, for just a second, what that place was like, and I was overwhelmed. (I had to pass the baby to someone else, I don't even remember who.) I have NO DOUBT WHATSOEVER there is more. That we don't just go into nothingness and cease to exist. I hope, wish and pray this gift for you, that you BELIEVE.

  • Oh, my Sweet Lord, Honey....

    I am sooooo sorry about your loss! Reading this broke my heart! I cannot even imagine how you must be coping, especially when you are pregnant with your Love's baby. I am not a psychic and don't know how to communicate with the dead. I was just looking on here and saw your post and HAD to reply just to let you know that I care about you and the pain you are in. Indescribable pain, I imagine.

    I do have my own beliefs about this whole subject. I truly believe that when we die all our pain is gone. Even the Bible says that. Unfortunately, when someone does leave us behind in this way, WE are the ones who are left to suffer; to try and determine whether or not we could have done anything to save the one we Love; to wonder if it was something we said or did to cause this. And God forbid the last memory we're left with is one of an argument or disagreement. Then you take on the guilt of it all and have to figure out how you can live with yourself. I have always thought that suicide was a very selfish thing to do because, as you feel now, loved ones worry that they could have seen around a corner they didn't even know they were approaching. It is so very hard to second guess yourself when the one you love isn't there anymore.

    I am sure if your man had realized what he was leaving behind for you to deal with he wouldn't have done this. No one would wish that one someone they love. I do believe that people who have crossed over come to us in dreams. I've had that experience myself with more than one person I have loved. But, sometimes it takes a little time for our emotions to settle down for it to happen. And I have also experienced the feeling of someone with me and/or watching me when there is on one around but me and the dog. It has always been a comforting feeling, not one of fear. So, it may take a little while, but, if you are a spiritual person who is open to this type of experience, I believe you will feel it in time.

    Sweetheart, I pray that, as time passes, you will be able to still your heart and find the peace you need to get you through this. I am a spiritual woman who believes in God and all He has promised. I don't know if you are a believer, but, it can sure help at a time like this. It will give you direction and SO MUCH PEACE in your heart about where and how your husband is now. Because, I believe with all my heart that he is with God. I hope this helps you, even if it's just to know that someone out there is praying for your heart to heal tonight and every day hereafter. May God bless that little baby as it grows inside you and all the days of it's precious life. Good luck to you, Sweet girl.

  • AWESOME reply to this poor, lost girl. I know exactly what you are talking about regarding your Grandma and your niece. For me it was my Dad and granddaughter (Love of my life).

    It is an absolutely overwhelming and comforting feeling to know that death on earth is not the end. Great reply! I hope it helps her get through this!

  • Thank you. I know I need to have faith in something, but I just don't know how to even begin that. I feel so lost without him and it hurts so much. I just wish for one more hug, one more kiss, one more minute laying together in bed, one more stupid argument about who cleaned more and who had to do the dishes, one more walk, one more camping trip, one more phone call, one more i love you...

    I never believed in soul mates or 'true love' or any of that stuff. I thought it was all mushy mumbo-jumbo, but it feels like he took the best parts of me with him when he died. I don't want them back. I gave them to him willingly and gladly, I just wish they had been enough to keep him here with me.

  • I am so sorry for you loss what was his name was it Ron ,i want you to know he is ok own the other side and i know you will be alright and just ask for the light to come into your life and that you might find comfort in your time of sorrow and may the Angels guide and protect you. Tooter

  • Thank you. No, his name was Jeremie.

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  • Hi Minerva, my thoughts and prayers are with you. Fan

  • I'm staying with his family for now. Mine is 1000 miles away, I miss him so much. It is too much to bear sometimes. I need him and he's gone. I don't know how to continue.

  • "I don't know how to continue" - one day at a time. You need to go through the hurt in order to get to the healing.

    Also remember that he has left something of his behind - your child. You need to stay strong and draw strength from the life you have created together. He lives on in you. Even though you cannot hold your baby now, pretty soon you will be able to.

    May God grant you the peace and acceptance you are craving for.

  • Minerva385,

    My new friend, I can feel your pain and agony. I too had loss my husband about a year ago from surgical complications and alcohol too. I want to give you hope and there is light at the end of the tunnel.

    Because I am living proof that in one year I went from the tears and sadness of loosing my husband, soulmate and best friend to the lonliness of grief to life of peace and happiness with my new husband.

    I can't promise the same time line will happen to you but I am sure you will meet someone very special that will make life living once again.

    I want you to go to the Enchanted Pond to meet my queenies, sisteras and DD. They will welcome you with open arms so your pain is not so deep and you will be able to sit on the rocks by the Pond.

    The Enchanted Pond will give you the time that you need to heal and bring you through the grieving stages and back into the warmth of the sunshine.

    Please take my helping hand,


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