Cancer Male - Not Sure What to Think About This
He broke up with me a month ago. I went after him ... briefly, but changed my mind and gave him what he wanted. I accepted the breakup and told him that he's right, it's over. He wanted to be friends. I told him that would be fine. I tried to call him a week later, got no response. I left a voice message just to let him know that I was thinking of him and to call when he felt like it. No response. Two weeks ago, I started getting "Unknown" phone calls to my mobile phone. The first one I ignored thinking it was a bill collector or sales call perhaps. The next few calls came through very late at night and one call I sent to my voicemail. My voicemail picks up the background noise from the call and it was clear that it wasn't a sales or business call. Finally, I recieved a call this past Saturday morning and decided to answer. The call disconnected after a few "hello's." I think it's "him." My ex-Cancer, but why would he call me blocked??? Are cancer men THAT shy or nervous or ..... weird??
My ex-Cancer, but why would he call me blocked??? Because he is only nihilist.
Are cancer men THAT shy: no.
or nervous: no.
or ..... weird?? Yes.
But when I came to understand women, I immediately understood that he’s right! A woman loses interest in you if you are not macho.
Hanswolfgang ... should I call him? Maybe that's his way of trying to come back, but not knowing how?? Perhaps afraid of my rejection? I don't understand him. Like at all. One minute he wants this, the next he doesn't. He's breaking things off, but I'm the one consoling him???? He wants to be friends, but doesn't call. I go away and leave him to himself and he calls me blocked ... to breathe on my phone. WTH????
He's weird, but not a scary kinda weird. If I were afraid, I'd definitely know how to handle such a stalker. I would like to talk to him, but I too am afraid that he won't pick up or return my call. That's what makes me think he didn't truly want to break up and is not over me. Otherwise ... what's the damn problem?
should I call him? yes.
Maybe that's his way of trying to come back, but not knowing how?? No.
Perhaps afraid of my rejection? Yes.
I'm the one consoling him???? No.
WTH???? He is just waiting.
what's the damn problem? the problem is that you do not go on your own way following your own light.
If you want to turn in, learn!
Whatsoever you are doing, learn through it. Take the
essential out of it. Look back at what have you been
doing with your life and your energy and your time. The
same mistakes, the same foolishnesses, the same
stupidities, again and again.
Thank you for your thoughts.
I want so much to call him and I will. It's just that right now, I'm not feeling confident enough to call because I don't want to meet his rejection either. I'm scared he won't answer when I call or worse ... he may never respond to me. He does confuse me and when I'm so unsure ... I do nothing. I do nothing because I don't want to make a wrong move and make things worse.
You are so right ... I've made the same mistakes over and over and over again with him to the point that he's tired of it. However, I'm reluctant to call them foolish or stupid because I made these decisions out of fear. Fear that he would ultimately hurt me. Fear that he does not truly love me or care. Fear that his love is deceptive and that I'm being made a fool out of by thinking he's serious about me ... or about us. So, when he would do things to threaten my security, I would leave. That has been my biggest hang-up with him. Not trusting that he cares about me and that he's seriously invested in this relationship. Finally, he became tired and let me go. But I don't want to leave him and I don't want him to leave me. I want us to talk, be honest, and really try because there is a connection between us that is undeniable, but we can't get on the same page and it hurts so much. I know he feels it. I love him, but I'm so afraid that we won't make it that I always end up throwing in the towel before I give us a chance. Hans ... I just can't be hurt anymore. And I'm not sure if I can handle his pain. I don't think I've ever loved a man the way I love him. And to be honest, I don't know why I love him so much. We've barely had an opportunity to explore our feelings and yet ... this is so profoundly serious for me. This relationship has compelled me to reexamine who I am spirituall, emotionally. This relationship has tested my strengths and weaknesses. I've never been so challenged in a relationship ever. Somehow ... I know that this man is significant. I don't know in what capacity, but he's significant. I'm trying to learn and grow and get what I'm supposed to get from this experience. I have to be honest and say that as I do all this self-examination and development, I don't want to lose him. I want him to stay. I love the way he feels. I want to reciprocate those feelings to him and I know I can, just need to find my way around the fear, doubt, and mistrust so that I can give him what he needs, wants, and deserves.
We may see each other this weekend. A mutual friend and classmate recently passed from breast cancer. Her funeral is Saturday. I know for sure I'll be there; he might be. I'm hoping for a new opportunity with him.
Sol had a dairy farm in the country where he bred
beautiful golden Guernsey cows and also the lovely
black and white Holsteins.
One day Jake, a friend from the city, came to visit
and suggested, 'So, why don't you cross-breed your
cows? There is a fortune to be made in cross-breeding.'
Sol thought it sounded like a good idea. 'What have I
got to lose?' he mused. So he tried it.
Some time later the friend came back to visit. 'How
did the experiment go?' he asked Sol.
'Well,' answered Sol, 'I did like you said. I
cross-bred the golden Guernsey with the Holstein, and
what I got I called a Goldstein. But nobody wanted to
'Why was that?' queried Jake.
'Why? Because,' answered Sol, 'when a customer looked
over all the other cows, each of them said, "Moo-oo!"
But when the man came over to my Goldstein, she eyed
him and said, "Nuu-uu!"'
This 'nuu' is very deep in your heart, a vast no
-- no to everything.
I believe that there is a deep rooted fear in my heart, but not a resounding "no to everything." I do believe that. And there are reasons that fear exists and a reason my heart is so guarded. I won't be 'beat up' for the negative experiences I've endured, but I would like consideration. I would like understanding. Call me crazy, but I kind of expect those things from people who say they "care deeply" for me.
With him (and other friends and family), I feel this need to apologize for being afraid to enter into a relationship. I feel this need to apologize for being hurt and abused in the past. I don't like feeling like that. It seems that everyone around me believes that I should have come through a divorce "error free" with no scars or bruising and be as beautiful as a butterfly. I'm not a butterfly. I'm hurt. I'm in a lot of pain. But here "he" is. Why is he here now ... when I'm clearly not ready??? WHY was he allowed to show up in my life as great as he is, and I can't have him??? What's the point?? It's like having a carrot dangled before your hungry soul, but you can neither reach nor taste it. But you can see it. You believe it's for you, but when you reach for it ... you're denied it's satisfying pleasure. Why am I to blame because I'm not ready? Why does he get so angry with me because I haven't mastered the art of "getting over it" in regards to my life's experiences. I pray to God everyday that I can get better and heal some hurt and memories as soon as I can so that I can stop losing. And it's fresh new pain on top of old pain when he (who says he cares so deeply for me) and family and friends don't understand me. While I make every effort to "fix" what's broken in my spirit, I wish I didn't fall in love.
Hans ... I wanted him to want me so bad. I wanted him to like me. I wanted him to see how great I am. I wanted him to love me. At one moment, I thought he did. Now, I don't think he does at all and that hurts. To not have his attention is painful. But what's worse is that I have to walk away feeling as if its my fault. At this point, I just wish I could stop thinking about him. I wish I didn't give a damn. I wish the breakup was a vicious one; I could get over that with ease. I wish he were an asshole. I wish he were stupid. I could forget him so much easier, so much faster. I know that I'm a great lady with a good heart who deserves so much in Love, but ... it never seems to come together for me.
And I apologize for rambling and talking endlessly about this. I'm just trying to get an understanding so that I can come to a swift resolution so that I can move on with my life. Time waits for no one and I don't want to miss again. But it's hard to keep moving when there are so many lingering questions and "what if's." Thanks for reading and responding to my posts.
How can you be sure it’s him that’s calling? Is it just a gut feeling? Even if it is (I always trust my gut), I actually don’t think you should call him. If he blocked his number then he doesn’t want you to know he’s calling. And since you didn’t get a response when you reached out then I don’t think he’ll respond until he’s good and ready to. Whatever thinking process he’s going through now is best left for him to work out. If he misses you or wants to hear your voice or whatever reason, you put out that offer already so it’s up to him to take action. Remember, he let you go…
I think you do understand the reasons why he let you go. You need to heal and you can’t do that while you’re in a relationship because it creates problems where there would be none and the other person can’t fix it for you. Your past hurts were brought into this relationship and I’m sure you recognize that it obviously doesn’t work for either of you. He gets angry because he does feel like it’s his responsibility, but it’s not. Of course you don’t need to apologize for anything that’s happened to you and you don’t need to blame yourself. If anything you sound more frustrated with yourself because you haven’t let go of the hurt. I’m pretty sure he can see the potential of how great you are, but to be blunt, you’re not allowing yourself to see how great you are. First things first….it’s about you.
Why is he here now ... when I'm clearly not ready??? because he is part of your kindergarten being clearly not ready himself.
WHY was he allowed to show up in my life as great as he is, and I can't have him??? Because you have to develop your intuition.
What's the point?? The point is, that you are identified with your mind.
Why am I to blame because I'm not ready? Because you are standing there, but you do not go, not even one step.
Why does he get so angry with me: because he has an extraordinary instinct.
S-ex is like work; you are too much worried about it.
You want to do it, you want to finish it somehow. It is
like a burden on you. Love is not like a burden, it is
enjoyment. You cherish it, you taste it -- as a
connoisseur tastes the wine. There is no hurry. There
is no hurry to finish it, you would like to linger in
it. You are slow, unhurried, patient.
AquaBubbles ... thank you for your thoughts & assessment. I'm not sure its him calling, just feel it in my gut. I called my mobile service provider to see if they could research the calls for me. They couldn't. They said depending on the way the calls were blocked, the number may show up in my call records even if it appeared on my caller ID as "unknown." I checked my records and the calls didn't show. I've never received and "unknown," "anonymous," or "restricted" calls to my cell before now. I used to get them all the time to my landline and they usually were sales calls during the day, but never on my cell. It's a first. And when I answered one of the calls, the person listened to me saying "hello" for about 13 sec then hung up. I haven't received anymore calls since then. However, I absolutely understand why he let go. I've never faulted him for it. He doesn't want to be hurt anymore than I do and I respect him for protecting himself and making healthy decisions. You're right ... I am so frustrated with myself because I know who I am, what kind of Love I have in my heart, how deeply I Love and while my intuition isn't so well developed ... I have a good idea of what he wants & needs & he deserves it so much and Aquabubbles ... I KNOW I can give it to him. I know I can far exceed his needs & expectations & I know he can more than fulfill mine. He's already given me a glimpse of how he Loves. I'm just so mad that I'm not ready. So scared that I've lost him. So worried that I'll never get to show him who I am. And yes ... he has acknowledged how he feels about me and how he perceives me, but he too is disappointed. That I'm not ready yet. And when he told me on last year that he was disappointed and knew that I wasn't ready, it made me more upset & frustrated because I want so badly to be ready for him. I Love him so much, but can't show him in the right way, with the depth that I know I can achieve and I'm fighting for it, but I don't think he knows or sees it. I don't think he knows how much I Love him and how much I want this relationship with him or the visions of the kind of Love we'd share, the life we'd create as a result . I'm not sure if he knows.
But I'm getting myself ready. I start a divorce recovery class tonight at my church. I've decided to be patient with myself. I've decided to not give up on him or us. He said he wants us to be friends (even though he hasn't called in 4 weeks and it feels like 4 years), but I will always remain open & receptive of him. I'm more than willing to wait patiently for him to re-emerge. I don't believe our time is up. I believe this separation is temporary. And while I'm in the waiting room, I will heal. I will grow. I will take great care of myself & prepare for whatever is to come.
Hanswolfgang ... I always appreciate your attention to my matters. Thanks so much for your insight & time. What did you mean when you said, "The point is, that you are identified with your mind."
Thank you for your expressions of Love vs. sex. He has never said that he Loves me, but I've always felt that he does. He has told me in the past that he wants to take his time with me. That he wants "it to be right." And that he's serious about me and cares very deeply for me. I'm so mad that I was afraid of his Love. I'm so furious that I allowed doubt to fill my thoughts, instead of trust. I was so scared that his Love was not genuine or true. I was so afraid that he would take it all away & ultimately hurt me. So, the minute anything would threaten my security (and I mean ANYTHING), I'd bounce. I'd get out of there faster than greased lightening. Cry. Then call him back. I did this more times than I can count. He accepted me back every single time ... until now. I did it to him again at the end of August and a week later ... he returned the favor and shut me down in the worst way. I can't blame him for it though.
Hans ... let me share with you and ask for your thoughts about two occurrences. Our first date was on Christmas night, 2008. On this night as we were traveling, a stranger (a woman with 2 little girls) flagged us down. It was the middle of the night & very cold outside. He stopped for them mainly because she had the two little girls with her. She asked for a ride because her sister left her and these children without a way home so they were trying to walk, but had many, many miles to go. He let them into the truck with us & as we made them comfortable & drove away, she turned to me, thanked me profusely for stopping for them, then turned to him and said: "You have a very sweet wife mister. She's so sweet and I didn't know she was in the car when you stopped for us. I didn't even see her. She's very sweet." We looked at each other and smiled, he kissed & held my hand, looked at me and said, "Yes ... she is a very sweet wife." Two weeks before we broke up, he asked me if I'd remembered this night. He asked me if I'd remembered our first kiss. I told him, "Of course. I'll never forget it."
Then, months later, in 2009, a co-worker who didn't know me well at that time (I was new to the department) bumped into me in the ladies room one morning. She stopped me and apologized for being personal, but asked what my marital status was because she'd had a dream that we (the office) were celebrating my wedding. She said, "I don't know what that means to you, if it means anything at all, but I dreamth these things about you." And two hours later, at a meeting, I was introduced to a woman who shared HIS name. I want to know if these occurrences could be significant or mere coincidence or nothing at all. I've never really believed in "signs" that some people speak of seeing or experiencing, but these two occurrences have never left me. And apparently he hasn't forgotten either although I thought he did. Just when I think that he & I won't succeed in a lasting relationship, I remember these two revelations ... and it is there that I find a lot of reason & strength to keep going & stay encouraged.
What did you mean when you said, "The point is, that you are identified with your mind.": Only your desires make you get going.
I want to know if these occurrences could be significant or mere coincidence or nothing at all: mere coincidence.
Be ordinary, have no ideas about yourself of how you should be, be simply spontaneous, that whatsoever happens, happens. Live on the spur of the moment, that is your authenticity. You can call it your characteristic, but what kind of characteristic is this? It is simply that you have then no character, you have no straitjacket of a character around yourself; you have no armor, you do not live from the past, that you do not know what Christian dignity is. Live in the moment like a child.