Numb Void

  • It's me again, but this time softer. Okay you've done the hard part, the first two weeks staying away are the hardest. Give yourself a Huge pat on the back. Now, as you move forward you will have days that are harder than others. This is what I do, when I am overly overwhelmed over anything, sad, glad, mad, etc. I Just ask for relief, I don't know were you stand in your spiritual realm, but I can tell you that when you are in any kind of an emotional situatuion, If you litterly look up to heavens and say please releive me from this pain, if the lesson I was suppose to learn is acheived (and I do believe in you case it has) just ask for assistance and relief...Believe me you will get it...

    Bravo for you in taking the harder more ethical and moral road..

  • The hardest part is missing him. Yes, I have often wondered if he has had other affairs.........he says no. I am not so sure.

  • But how long does one wait out the separation no contact thing...So much has been reveiled to me about how I was wrong in the marriage.It really changed me .I mailed him a letter not begging him back and professing love this time but to say I was sorry and took responsibility for my part but in over a week still no reply.He is still my husband and was no angel,but I love and want him back to try the marriage w/ MY CHANGES not focusing on his faults but If I cannot communicat or see him how can he see I have change and want to try again???

  • Hi Kim1234, Lost love really brings out our inner child. We all want it and need it so bad. It's one of the essential things needed to function properly. But, I'm not in that situation (right now.) So, the adult in me wants to tell you that you are fine as you are and I feel that you don't really have a lot of changing to do for this person. Maybe this person needs to love you as you are. Unconditionally. We all make mistakes. I think he might need time. In the meantime, don't be hard on yourself.

  • I agree with Dalia that he probably needs time. Needing space does not mean he doesn't love you and the best thing to do for a person who is not ready to talk or address the situation is love them enough to give them what they need. Hopefully he will do the same for you one day if you find yourself needs time and space. I say this b/c I require more space than the average person and through my seperation with my husband and now that I am home he understands that and gives it to me which makes our relationship stronger. The best thing to do is sit back, wait and concentrate on doing things to make YOU happy in the meantime. I know this will be VERY hard.

  • Thankyou ladies,

    We have been separated for about 6 mos now and really up until about 6 weeks ago we were discussing him comming home and we spoke several times a day and he was over several nights a week. So nothing had really changed for us and we really werent working onchanging or trying to be really separated.His Grandma loves him there and didnt want him to marry.We had to go overthere constantly(its 10 min away)Then his daughters trailer burned and they All were at grammas.The daughter wouldnt let me talk to him and we had words.I never heard from him again.So THE REAL SEPARATION has really only been around 6 weeks.My question how long were you REALLY separated before you started communicating???

  • Kim, I was the one who moved out and left the relationship so I really did not want to talk for a while. We stayed in touch over the phone and had lunch a couple of time when I was having a bad day. He was trying really hard to help and be patient with me as he thinks I am really depressed. I moved back into our house after 6 weeks away. I am still not sure I made the right decision, I can only take it one day at a time. In the meantime I am staying away from the other man and proud to say I have not called or talked to him in 2 weeks, that is big for me b/c he is like an addiction.

  • Twin souls are not always men they can be women also, It's just a strong bond we have with people [like being a part of ourselves] nothing sexual. EHG I feel for you situation.. I have been married 21 years now and it hasn't always been easy. You have to ask yourself what this other man means to you and evaluate your feelings for him. Infatuation is a very strong emotion often mistaken for love, it makes us do things and feel things that we would normally not. I'm not saying what your feeling is not real, but real love is able to let go and do the right thing for both of you. By letting go and letting God, it takes away your feelings of loss or panic over losing him. You have to put your trust in that if it's meant to be, it will come to you at a time that is right and without all the heartache. Sometimes waiting for Gods time if it's meant to be will make it all the more special..

  • I agree about letting things come to you naturally, when and if they are meant to be. The connection I feel with him is so strong to me but I am and have been really trying to let it go. It is just really hard as I am sure you understand. I do not reach out anymore......we will see what time brings. In the meantime I am so not sure about my marraige. I think I am not suppose to be there- he is wonderful but I feel lost.

  • Do you have any children? Do you feel any of the things for your husband that you once did? You said he is a wonderful man maybe you just lost sight of him. I'm the type of person that believes that we're put together for a reason, do you believe that your husband has fulfilled the part of your life that he was supposed to. Do you know what those things might be? Looking back is always 20/20 vision. I know all to well what your feeling for the other man, but if your not careful it will destroy you. Maybe you'll carry the love for the other man the rest of your life, but never get together. I met someone from a past life or rather lives and each life our love was always cut short. I met him again this life and one touch on the side of his face to wipe something off of it, and I was in total love and totally confused. Nothing ever happened between us, just an instant bond that is so strong. I can sense when his spirit comes around me and I can feel him in the area, sometimes I look up to see him looking at me across a store or look up to see only him in a crowded parking lot. I had to let him go because he had things to do in his life and I still have things to do in mine. It's been 5 years now and feelings haven't changed but I go on knowing that 's what I'm supposed to do. Just don't lose yourself through this, now is the time to look deep into yourself and find answers..Look at things as a hole [big picture] not just a small portion.

  • I went back and reread the replies.. sorry I asked the same questions again. What is the age difference between you and your husband? Some of the comments seemed pretty harsh to me. Who knows maybe it's an age thing. We all make charts when we come into this life and I think that sometimes we are meant to move on from our husbands for what ever reasons. I do believe people come across our paths to shake us up or open our eyes. In some of the replies from the other women I did see me years ago, and I probably would have been judgmental also, now I guess I understand more about life charts and how the changes affect us in the long run. That's why I believe what's meant to be will be. We follow our charts even though we might get off path for a while we will come back... If you follow your heart and have faith it will lead you on the right path. You can also ask God for a sign of what you should do. He will answer you..Have your sign be anything you want..Mine was a bird that was out of season that I hadn't seen for 6 months, I wanted to make sure I noticed my

  • This word...SOULMATE. It is so HEAVY and, I fear, very misunderstood...We all have MANY soulmates in life...A soulmate is someone whom you are destined to meet and learn from. Sometimes it is you who are the teacher for the other person. Most of the time, however, you are both learning from, and teaching each other. Soulmates need not be intimately connected with you. Your friends, your family...all of these people are your soulmates. There are other "lesser soulmates" who cannot really be called as such because they come and go from your life so quickly. So, yes, your husband is your soulmate-one of them-as is this guy you are (were?) having the affair with.

    Frankly, I don't like him, this guy who you had the affair with...I think you are wise to question why this very reasonable guilt took so long to manifest...But, hey, that's just me...What is more important is that you remember that you MARRIED your husband...That, at some point in time, you got up and vowed to him and TO YOURSELF that you would cleave to each other until death etc...Now, if that really and truly is not working for you BECAUSE IT IS NOT WORKING (not because there is perhaps a more attractive option in the offing) then for pity's sake put everyone involved out of their misery and divorce the poor man so he can get on with things. But remember that right here, right now, you are (I can but hope) learning the lesson your husband was meant to teach you. I don't know what that lesson is, but you do. Yes, you do. You can believe that it is lost among the more important drama of your loverbut the fact is that it should be the thing you listen to because, believe it or not, it is coming from your lover's direction too, though in different words. Both of these men are right where they are supposed to be at right this time in your life because this lesson apparently needs BOTH of them.

    Now, if I were in any sort of a position to, I would tell you what to do. But I'm not your mother or your confessor, so I can't. What I do hope, though, is that you give your husband EVEN MORE RESPECT than usual. Not only because he is the injured party (or one of them), but because from the little that you have said so far, he is behaving in an EXTREMELY classy way if indeed he knows about this affair of yours. Remember, too, that he is your teacher right now and that also deserves some "props". Do not denigrate this man because he was "weak enough" to have been suckered by you. However your marriage profgresses, you owe him your respect.

  • Very well said Maygoodcometous!!!

  • An interesting situation. My 'two bits' is this. You did the right thing by separating from your unhappy marriage when you starting having an affair. On the other hand, your new found lover did not. He is staying in his unhappy home because 'of the children'. Very noble at a glance, but I don't think it's entirely true. I think that he is using that as a convenient excuse to continue staying married and therefore not 'hurting' his wife and family. In reality, I believe that you hurt yourself and those around you by being deceitful and dishonest with yourself and your 'loved ones'. He's feeling guilty and talks about ending the physical side of the affair with you, but seeing he hasn't actually done that then it is only talk. Probably to ease his guilt, and once again to make a convenient excuse for himself.

    Meanwhile you are 'trying' again with your husband. Unless something has changed between the two of you or in your own perspectives, what makes you think things may be different this time in getting back together? Or is it just that you haven't been alone in a long time and because it is now so foreign are now afraid of being alone?

    My advice to you is to spend time getting used to being alone again before making any more relationship decisions.

    If this lover of yours will not leave his wife (and his kids and life) then I suggest you leave him. Don't give him the choice to have it all. He'll never make a decision if he never has to.

    Meanwhile you'll never know what you want or if going back to your husband was based on desire or fear unless you get comfortable with being alone again.

    I suggest you leave everybody for a signifcant period of time and allow your self the space to get to know who you are, how you feel, and what you want.

    That's my suggestion anyway.

  • DreamerNorth - Excellent advice....I agree 100%.

  • Say it like it is! The key is to spend time alone...I mean, really alone...and for "along period of time" as the previous poster said. Only then will you know what YOU want and the life YOU want. As for the lover, I have said it beofre but the previous poster said it much better; I really do believe that this guy will not make any sort of move. And, really, why should he? He has the best of every world...I am not saying that he is a monster, just that he is human. This is YOUR life. Stop worrying about the lover and get yourself sorted out!

  • Okay, okay with this soulmate stuff,

    Do you not realize that YOU are your ideal soulmate. You are the person who turns you on the most, you are the romantic, the planner, the practical one, the spontaneous one..........................

    YOU are the one through the power of letting yourself run with the thoughts that appeal to you the most YOU control who you are ; your own happiness, your destiny , your luck, your sex appeal long as your locus of control is on others you will never find what or who you are looking for. YOU were put on this earth as a complete package much like a Chinese puzzle box and it is up to you to find the keys to open all the areas in your life that feel incomplete.

    This may sound self centred, but it is really based on THe Secret - you must project that you already possess the secret to an amazing, intense, wonderful life and you are just seeeking the things, people and experiences needed to bring out what you already know you possess.

    A person who is grateful, self aware, self confident and very able to say whether a particular experience suits their purpose or not is very powerful, almost irresistable and will always get what and who they need in their life. They simply do not allow anything else and are able to cut people conversations and situations off at the knees and simply be alone rather than participate in anything that isn't what they are looking for. This can be done by simply nicely saying NO THANKYOU . It is very empowering, does not lead to being bithchy and works wonders in how others see you.

  • LOVE IT! I would strongly empahsize the "grateful" aspect...

  • Thank you everyone especially Maygoodcometous and DreamerNorth. I have not seen the lover in one month or talked to him. I have prayed about it, cried about it and so forth. I do miss him though but am determined to NOT call. He has not called either, interestingly enough. What do we think of that???? My husband and I are trying......I almost moved back out today but we had a long talk this morning and he is encourging me not to make any quick decisions. I finally admitted to him last night that my big need for space is b/c I am not sure we belong together. I'm not sure I can make him happy and he can give me what I need to be happy. That may sound trivial but it has taken me a long time to admit to him that we I dream of most in a relationship is not what we have. I am trying not to compare anything with the lover b/c reality is the lover and I have never had a chance to date like normal people and discover each other in that manner. We have both been married and not had that opportunity. The hard part is what I do know of him I feel some weird connection. For instance, I have no idea of this but I feel he has been away ( out of town). His energy seems very far away. On the other hand, he could be right here and we are losing our connection. He told me once that he was at a point where he felt like he needed to leave his wife or stay (b/c of me). Things got intense with us quickly and neither one expected it. I think he is making a real effort to stay away b/c he knows it is too "tempting." We have never been able to just be friends, the 3 or 4 times we have tried. A month not seeing him and no contact is a long time for us. I know I am focusing on him and a lot of you will tell me to focus on my his hard for me to do that when my connection with the lover remains. Someone said in one of these replys that sometimes you are not meant to actually be with your soulmate, I find that sad and wonder then why are they to be your soulmate?

  • Hello Eden,

    I'm glad that our comments and suggestions were helpful to you. It sounds like you are being brave and are doing the right things to make your life better and/ or happier. I don't think that it's a crime to focus on the one that currently holds your heart. But I do think that you are doing the right thing by keeping your distance from him and not interfering with what he needs to do about his marriage. Let him decide if he wants to be with you or with his wife. But do make him choose one or the other. Let his marriage issues be separate from you. If the two of you decide on your own that you don't want to remain in your marriages, then focus on what you can be to each other. But first let your marriages run their natural course.

    I also think it is very good that you are finally being open an honest with yourself and with your husband about how you feel. Being honest about it and talking truthfully and openly about it is the first step to refinding yourself and your happiness. That openness may even open more doors and change your relationship for the better. Maybe even to the point where you can find happiness together again. Or it may allow you to decide that you are not 'right' for one another and cannot make each other happy. But being open and honest about it is the path the finding the right answers and in finding your happiness. God bless, and best of luck to you and your future.

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