Dear Captain, archersbow and OrionStar5



  • I don't know where to begin except by apologising. For my blindness and extreme emotionality...clinging onto my fears and not accepting the wise hands that reached out to me with genuine concern.

    Its been a month since I came here for help...Its been more than a week since our last interaction...and it seems like an age. Because it has changed my perception. I have come here every single day and read your words of wisdom trying hard to empty my mind of fear and untruth and see facts for what they were.

    The mist is clearing slowly...Captain, archersbow, OrionStar, I am beginning to see the truth in your words...difficult to accept but yes I see it all. Its painful. But I also see the fear is more prominent than the pain.

    I think I am talking in circles. I am sorry. It is not working. My staying back is not taking us anywhere. In fact, it is killing whatever remains...and both of us are sensing it so strongly that we are clinging to each other like it was a matter of love and death.We have always clung to each other like this...I always thought it was our inseparable connection...our love...but it is only now I see it as a need and dependency...because it can't be anything else. Because nothing else is remaining...

    It is time to let go and I hope we can still be friends. I have not spoken to him about this yet. I don't have the courage. But I know this is not a selfish step I am taking...the need to stay back was selfish...my infidelity was selfish...my wish to heal him was selfish. (Having been branded selfish and a 'taker' many a times I had begun to despise myself and saw this as a way to 'give' as a way to redeem myself.) But I've realised this is not it happens. This is meant to go. I've realised the truth in what Archersbow so astutely stated, 'I am scared to let go of who I used to be', and as Captain said, 'My need is to grow and learn, howmuchever I may fear it...' And for him as well...he needs to get out of this dependent relationship and find himself...its high time he did...

    I have two big fears which still hold me on the edge...social censure....I come from India and am liberal-minded. I am extremely individualistic...I married my husband against family wishes because I was so sure of him and myself and us...It was very difficult...now everyone has accepted us whole heartedly...even our parents...we are extremely dear to each other's parents....its not the stigma of separation that I am scared of. Its the fear of being seen as a failure...and the heart-ache it will cause our parents who have come to terms with our marriage after so much heart-ache to begin with....inter-religion marriages here are a very big social issue...

    I also wonder I did not care about our parents heart-ache when we decided to get married so why now? I sense hypocrisy in this feeling of mine. I think its just the fear of censure....we have so put up this perfect picture of both of us...

    There is a bigger fear...By nature I am a wanderer...and with my family background of neurosis and other personality disorders I have grown up adopting depressive tendencies...I know I am whole and healthy and I have worked hard at training my mind to stay positive and avoid self-pity yet these strands remain...also my appetite for experiment...I do not think before a gamble...and pay the price happily...but till now I always had my husband's safety net emotionally...and the structure and rootedness he brought into my life to anchor me. I fear if I leave him I will lose my sense of sanity and slide down a life of depravity, decadence and purposelessness...I am a balanced person but I am extremely emotional and when I am needy it can overpower everything...

    Yet, I know, these are not reasons to stay back. He needs to heal and I need to do my own thing. And I am battling my demons with an open mind and courage....All of you help me a lot in this...your words and insights on other threads too bring me that much needed light and sense.

    Thank you for everything. And thank you for listening. I did not come here for the express purpose of asking anything of any of you. But felt I owed all of you and apology and an explanation for your genuine concern and help...

    And maybe I needed to express too 🙂 thank you so much for listening.



  • Saggigirl, I see you as someone who has had many social and psychological 'chains' put around your neck from family, your husband, friends, society in general, and finally from yourself who believed all you were told. Now you are quite rightly wanting to throw off those chains so that you can be free to find out who you really are, and not what you have been told you are or should be.

    You shouldn't feel bad for wanting to be your authentic self. It's the ultimate goal of every single person on the planet.



  • Captain...you resonate my deepest desires...thank you for responding...

    Its just that I am so caught up between the 'want' and 'should' now that I've lost track of what's right and wrong...earlier it used to be my gut and my instinct that used to guide me. But now...I just don't know if its the right thing to do, let go of a marriage and a relationship that has given you so much to find oneself...to spread one's wings...I just don't know what and how to trust myself again...



  • Yes, you do know what you need to do - or else you wouldn't be so conflicted.



  • True Captain. Confusion/conflict does not mean you don't 'know' what to do. But it means you KNOW what to do but don't want to do it for various reasons...

    Thank you Captain. Hope I can do this by inflicting the least amount of pain possible to everyone.



  • Good luck to you.



  • Thank you Captain.



  • Gear Saggirl

    I have been following your post off and on and am glad to see you have come to this place of choosing to follow your own star. I encourage you to keep writing as you have a gift. In that process you may find more of your truth. I trust you will find the support you need as you learn to walk your own path and also use self restraint on certain self destructive behaviors. In my experience the self esteem is not built on egoistic pleasures but when we do something that benefits our whole being. Which can be not doing. I am not judging, this is very different to everyone. When I was young I also learned what my truth was by experiencing what did not work for me. You have love in your heart and the Universe needs it.

    Peace



  • Thank you so much Pfree...at times one only needs a hand that will reach out and assure you that its going to be ok...you are one such hand right now among so many others on this forum. Thank you.

    I kind of yearn to share and express here...because I find people here who speak my language...who understand my mental landscape even share it....and so much of wisdom and kindness...but I restrain myself because I don't think it is right to burden others with your problems all the time just because they are kind and willing to help...also I need to find my answers on my own...so I don't share much...am I being arrogant in thinking I can help myself alone?

    Thank you for sharing your experiences Pfree...I do need an older person with perspective and experience of life to show me the way right now...your view really helps...

    We spoke yesterday and as expected it did not go anywhere. The choice is with me, stay and change myself, let go of my inner longings and accept that they are bad and that the marriage needs me to do a few things to my perspective of things and I should do it...the other choice is let go and leave the rest to the unknown...I don't know what kind of lifestyle I will choose after my husband and relationship is no longer in my life...they have been my anchor...he says it will be a life of floating from experience to experience...without learning and without growth...without happiness or fulfillment which lies only with love and family...

    I agree with him and that is the reason I cannot let go. I am scared of my life running into irreparable mess if I don't choose to work on my perspectives. He is extremely hurt by my lack of commitment to this or that...and that hurts me too...I dont want to hurt him anymore...but this, everything is so huge, its so overpowering that I am too scared to take a step this way or that...

    I've been a lost soul all my life, accepting, rebelling, accepting, my values and beliefs always about others...and I found my anchor in him...his rootedness and the complete security he gave me was the stability I needed to find my feet...he is extremely hurt that after I found my feet and semblance of independence now I want to go away and not give back anything to the relationship that gave me so much...

    I trust him and his wisdom intrinsically. And that is why when he says my life will go downhill if I dont do anything about it right now...which is truly accept marriage and the commitment to love and relationships that come with it...he says this is the only way will I find my answers....he comes from a broken family too...and he has done all it takes to get together...he knows what it takes and I trust him in what he says....yet I cannot move from here....maybe its cowardice...I dont think there is anything wrong in flowing....maybe its escapism...I just don't want to hurt him and hurt myself anymore...I feel claustrophobic and 'held back' with this impending need to conform and 'decide' to be a part of a structure...its not that I don't have the strength to do so but its what it takes away from me is horrifying...it leaves me spiritually drained and hollow...but he thinks its an excuse and I am putting terms like those to escape having to make a decision for myself...I believe what he says...and hence I have put myself in more of a dilemma than before....

    I know I will do what needs to be done finally, I hope I figure out before its too late. Just that right now, I feel like I am a 5th grader expected to pass 10th grade exams with flying colors...

    And, it would all have been ok had I not been the guilty party to begin with...he has done no wrong and continues to struggle with being fair to me and as objective as he can in dealing with his pain and me...its me who keeps flitting about...never in one place....I never wanted to, I don't want to now...I just don't know why it's so wrong to be that way...


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