Why am I being an idiot

  • Hello friends,

    Well another chapter in the saga of my horrid break up. Yesterday I learned that the other woman my estranged husband had an affair with and is still seeing now is the image of me. She looks so like me that a neighbour of mine who saw them in a pub actually called her by my name. To be brutally honest I am not sure how this makes me feel, I dont want to think that he is with someone who looks like me as that sort of gives me the creeps.

    I am not even sure why this bothers me or if it is normal to feel this way, maybe I am not normal.....

    Can anyone shed any light on the reason I am so all over the place.

    Much Love


  • Obviously he wants you but there is something about your personality or attitudes that drives him away. If you can, see how this other woman behaves and you will get an insight into why your husband wants to be with her. Perhaps she is more submissive to him or not as independent or whatever. If she is weaker in some way than you - and that is what your husband wants in a partner - then you should be glad he left you.

  • Thanks Captain, I did start off in our relationship as being quite shy and basically a doormat for him. As the years went on and I had my children I started to gain a bit more determination and began to stand up for myself and would pick him up on things he did which were not nice. He did not like this so maybe you are right and he has someone who will do what he wants. If so then I am very glad he is gone because I have become such a stronger and happier person since he left. I did not think I would survive him leaving but I believe now that he made me feel I could not survive without him and for a while I actually believed that. Now I know differently...



  • Perhaps you are also doing what he is doing - thinking of the other person in the past when they were more like someone who resembled the 'ideal' version of a partner and not what they became later on down the years?

  • Hi, How long have you been a part. Yes, I see him seeking the familiar. But, everyone is unique and different so time will tell. I haven't followed your posts but did you find-out by surprise that he was unfaithful. His secretiveness has your curiosity rising--that's all. You really have to be honest and forthright in a relationship, I think. I wouldn't waste my energy on it though. I know how you feel. If you need to talk--hope I can help. Talking is a good avenue.

  • Thanks Dalia,

    We have been apart for almost a year now and yes this affair came as a shock because he had only recovered from a major accident through which I was there for him every step of the way and then he went and did that. Things had been shaky for a while but when the accident happened I thought we were being given a second chance, however, now I realise he was only using me.

    What was even more hurtful was when I found the texts on his mobile from her and confronted him with them he just said "so what"............

    It does still hurt quite a lot but I do realise that myself and my boys are better without him in our lives......but just because I understand that does not make what he has done any less painful.



  • It's only painful because you are taking it personally, like it was your fault for not being more attractive or whatever. The pain and hurt will end when you realise that it was a flaw in your friend's character that broke the relationship, not you. You mourn the loss of a dream - but that's all it was, a dream, a fantasy. Because he never really was the ideal partner you are seeking. But that person is out there and you will find him if you believe you will.

  • Yes Captain, I do believe you are right (as usual). I mourn the husband I thought he should have been, loving, helpful and above all faithful and I also mourn the father he should have been to his children. As a mother it is very hurful to sit back and watch the father of your children show no interest in them whatsoever and have little or no interaction with them. That broke my heart.

    Yes there are times when I do think it was my fault but those times are becoming less and less frequent. I will accept a proportion of the blame but no more will I accept it all.

    Thanks again,


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