PLEASE HELP! Is my cancer man not interested anymore??
ShellShocker please come join, I am EXTREMELY interested to hear your responses to Monte12's two questions posed on 9/27 @ 17:06 PDT
Can someone tell me please,
If I haven't heard from my cancer man in 6 weeks is it really over?
He hasn't communictaed with me at all, just one text the into 2nd week I did not hear from him, saying he will need to visit with me when he gets back from his work trip, 3 days later he returned and no word.
I was doing extremely well letting him go, just getting on with my life, and for some reason I am thinking about him again, maybe it is part of my healing/hurt.......
Hope someone can give me insight on this.
AquaBubbles: I dont mind you sharing your thoughts with me, I really appreciate it..I know there are things people are saying to me, I might "not" want to hear, but sometimes the truth hurts. I suppose it is a part of realizing even MORE how SORRY I am for sending that text, & now when I think about it, sounded pretty bad. I wish I I could go back to last Thursday and "thinking" before I sent it, but at that time in my mind i "knew" it was the right thing to do, but in all honesty, was the WRONG thing to do. I can not take it back unfortunately, so I can only try to realize I f***d up and oh how it hurts. I know he "might" have been in his shell time or he "might" have been pushing me away intentionally. This I will never know. This is so hard to get over and get past knowing he is gone in the blink of an eye and will probably never look back, because I couldn't supress my emotions "just a little bit longer " and now the price I have to pay, is knowing I pushed him so far away OR in someone else's arms. Still not sure what to think here, but I know there is nothing I can do about it now. I just realized this today, that his daughters birthday is Monday, and not sure what to do about that one. Do I just forget about it and keep moving on with my life ? Does anyone have any suggestions on that ? I just want everyone to know, this whole situation really sucks !! Thank God I have found this site, because you ALL have helped me so much and are still helping me. So a huge thank you to everyone of you. Maybe if anything, you can learn from my stupidity or impatience, not sure what to call it at this point. I was very secure with him and I the whole time, until Vegas, because the comments started rolling out of his mouth, then I guess I just thought since he didnt see me for a week, he would have missed me instead of blowing me off (in my mind) and I still dont know what to believe at this point. Just regretting that last text,,, uggggg.....
Piscesstar: I WISH I could help you! All I can say is I kinda know how you feel, even if the circumstances are a little different.
I was just replying to you and saw your message.
I feel your pain too..............
If you don't mind me asking, how old is your guy?
It doesn't matter the circumstances, we really are in the same boat.
It is great we have each other here, even if people think we are crazy, we still
shellshocker really said it right about cancers.
The full moon has gone, I just don't understand why I am feeling lousy thinking about him.
I still have some hope for you, your guy may come back, I have a feeling, I am not saying this for the sake of it, but I just got a feeling he may well be back.
I hope I am right and if its what you want.
Hang in there
Oh my dear, I can’t begin to tell you how many times the words bubbled up into my throat like some kind of freakish alien, and no matter how much I tried to control it they just spewed out. That was when we were much younger and we both had some maturing and healing to do.
You could send birthday wishes along with an apology explaining your feelings. It’s something I would do. I just don’t know how he would respond, depending on how mature he is and considering your relationship is still fairly new.
Had a rough day…off to bed…good night.
Piscesstar: My guy is 50. I am 39. I had to re-read your story again, but I must say, our stories are similiar, more so than I thought. Im not sure what to make of yours either. I dont understand with all the shelling they do, how do any of them even make it to marriage ? Do they ALL disappear for weeks and months ? Or does it all depend on what they are looking for ? I think your guy will eventually come back around at some point, especially because you did nothing stupid like I did. But the one Im dealing with, naaaa, Im thinking its over! Plus in the last text I sent him, I left it open for him to try to redeem himself at some point, and gave him the opportunity to say hey, i am just busy, and i do want to see you, but instead, he just let me go. Which really seems like he is saying to me, yep, its what i want to. But, then again, it goes back to Shellshockers explanation of "dont bother them while they are in there own world"..I dont know, I am so darn confused to this day. But with your situation, you let him have this time, and also once in a while let him know you are thinking about him, so I think you will hear from him again. Also, you are feeling lousy for all the unknown answers to your questions in your head, such as I. All I know, is i have NO problem giving someone space, but when it takes weeks, and weeks, just makes me wonder, because if they really care about you, wouldn't they be afraid to stay away for so long thinking we might meet someone else? I dont know, i just dont know. I hope you are feeling better today Im trying, I have my moments to....God Bless
AquaBubbles: Thank you for your advise. When you say send an apology explaining my feelings, can you give me an example ? Ya know, I sit here at times, thinking of certain things he would say to me that made me feel sooooo special, and like I was "the one"..and cant help but to wonder was it a lie ? because cancerians are excellent liars i hear, I have such mixed emotions on this whole ordeal, I am at a point where I have to make myself QUIT thinking about it, and trying to figure out WHY, just so I can focus. I have this "stunned" feeling to me that just wont subside. Its quite annoying at times. On one hand I feel like I should explain my feelings, and on the other, I dont feel I did anything really that wrong by sending it. What a contradiction.
Thanks again to everyone for helping me through this
Our guys are exactly the same age and can't believe they are acting this way!!
The message you sent to Aquabubbles, I understand exactly about "I don't feel I did anything wrong by sending it". I agree with you, you were upset.
The thing is if you still want him in your life, you may have to make a sacrifice.
If he is so worth it and you feel you can handle the rollercoaster ride, give everything you got to try and salvage your relationship with him, at the very least, you know you gave it your all.
We have allowed them to make us emotionally drained, but at the same time we have these deep feelings and don't know how to let go.
I am very confused too, it drives me crazy.
A good book to read, (don't buy it, just read it at the bookstore), read only the cancer section in the book, is called Astrology's secrets to hot romance, Phyllis F Mitz M.A., she wrote some very helpful stuff in this book, check it out, plus it will keep your mind occupied for a bit.
Another book SUN SIGN PERSONALITY GUIDE ROBIN MACNAUGHTON'S, This is a little what she says unfavorable about cancer's.......
You're your own worst enemy: there's no doubt about it.
You're at the mercy of your moods, a slave to your sensitivities, and a miserable victim of the full moon.
You're so insecure that you live your life from a place of defense,conjecture, and downright suspicion.
You over compensate, weave masochistic fantasies, and suffer in a self-created drama that you pit against the world.
Your sympathies are exerted in your own direction because you feel you need them far more than anyone else........ Read more in the book........Its very good.
I don't and do not want to put cancer people down, I want to try and understand how they operate, why are they that way...etc......
It really can't be easy for themselves, but then on the other hand.....
Anyway, don't know if I am making it worse for you, sometimes I confuse myself, I never know if I am making sense.
Take care of yourself, keep us posted.....
God Bless you too!
monte12, I goofed up.
That tidbit from the book was actually for the female cancer.
This is a little on the unfavorable cancer male.
You crave love, and when you get it, you use it as a kind of mind control. If people love you, then they have to prove it through a constant devotion. In your own quiet way, you are so demanding that you can drown a person in your personal requirements, even when you are being your cool, aloof self.
When you are sulking, you have a way at looking at someone as if he had contracted terminal leprosy and didn't know it. You also have a way of closing all doors to inform the accused that you've been offended.
Usually you communicate by the most indirect route.
If you feel that someone has committed a minor crime against you, you withdraw, and every once in a while shoot out a few withering glances. Your eyes are like laser beams that with practice could probably turn human flesh into smoke.
It goes onto say...........
Once you've decided on the woman of your dreams, she really has little to say about the situation. You have bought your ticket to fantasy land, and your zipping along on the express.
Before long, you're planning your future together and see it all in a sentimental mist that successfully clouds the fact that she is frowning in the corner. Somehow your not listening to her, because your so busy telling her how its going to be. She knows how its going to be. She has another date in half an hour.
It goes on.......
If any man of any astrological sign didn't contact me for more than 1 month I would move on. I would move on earlier than that actually. If someone cares about you they will let you know what is going on, even if they want the relationship or friendship to end, not let you hanging not knowing what the hell is going on. Why would anyone want someone as selfish as that in their life.. beats me.
What I've read in the last pages on this forum saddens me. I read stories about women bending over backwards to try and implement all kinds of strategies that are supposed to work because a guy is a certain zodiac sign: in this case Cancer.
In my experience, as gypsydreams noted, if a guy does not contact you for more than a month, he certainly IS NOT into you....he just doesn't have the guts to say it to your face.
I've had my share of pretty much all the astrological signs, but drama is drama and if a man is going to play games, he isn't worth it. If he's not upfront and can step up, he's showing you that he doesn't respect you. If a guy really wants you, he'll bend over backwards to get you. You won't have to try and raltionalize and formulate all sorts of excuses for his behaviour because his intentions will be very clear.
Hope this helps.
Seems like cancer men bring up insecurities in a lot of us, as Ms sunny mentioned in the earlier pages, it's their issues, they are screwed up, but the fact that it provokes things deep inside us says somethng about our own insecurities and what we will put up with.
I'm a Leo, but it must be even more difficult for a Pisces and a scorp since your felings run deeper.
Piscesstar-the last 2 posters have posted that after a month a guy isn't interested and he's just not into you if he doesn't bend over backwards. For most people yes, over a month then forget the guy would be a common response, and that's up to you to decide that.
But from my experience with a cancer and others as well, cancers seem to have a completely different sense of time and space. Mine came back after 13 years and acted like it had been a few weeks (ok, that's extreme, i admit). He can go into a shell for weeks and months and not realize it had been that long. It's up to you to decide whether you want to wait or put up with it.
Shellshocker's post made me understand the depths of these moods or emotions they go through. I had been dealing with a cancer for a bit over a year (plus 13 years) and the last time I saw him (it's long distance) he had just come back from going back to his home country and things had changed (like you, monte12). Before he left he was excited about seeing me after he came back, making all sorts of plans, when I saw him he was depressed and pushed me away . He did tell me that it wasn't me but he was going into depression and needed space. So I gave him space, he kept in touch through emails, he even sent me some gifts, but he was no longer affectionate and didn't bring up seeing me again so I let it go and thought of him as a friend. FOUR MOnths later, we finally talked on the phone and he acted like nothing had changed since we last saw eachother!!
Shellshocker mentioned they are selfish, yes, it seems to be about HIS depression, HIS Shell, HE needs space, and what about US?? We have feelings, we have needs. Do they expect to wait patiently while HE is going through HIS stuff? Why do we have to be the ones that are understanding. Shouldn't it go both ways?
In these last 4 months I went on with my life, even dated other guys (nothing serious), enjoyed my life and tried to move on. I've waited around for too long. It was tempting to go running back to him, but do i want to put up with this rolleroaster for longer?
Monte12, you sent that text because you voiced your needs. maybe you didn't give him a chance, maybe you reacted, but ultimately you reacted with your needs in mind. Maybe he's lying, maybe not. Maybe he'll contact you several weeks later as if nothing had happened, maybe he won't, but above all you need to figure out what YOU want.
"if a guy does not contact you for more than a month, he certainly IS NOT into you....he just doesn't have the guts to say it to your face."
That is basically what is going on here. That is the lesson to be learnt I think, know when to pull out and stop wasting energy on people who do not deserve it.
A very good lesson to learn because it saves heartache in future.
Men are very simple, if they don't contact you it's because they don't want to contact you, by giving you the silent treatment they hope you will get the message.
If you truly want to understand why your man cancer sign or not, and why he s playing head games with you. I will be frank.... it's all about testing you, and how much can you stand? a man , and I am referring to a real man not boys ok? play mental challenges. at any time you become needy, clingy, or demand to know why he has not called you, trust me, you have lost the challenge, and he is no longer interested in you.
you need to be strong and learn not to accept crap from any man. yes, I did say it's their insecurities as to why they behave the way the do. however, it is not the same kind of insecurities that women have, and often show signs of weakness, and a man can detect neediness in you, and will use that to get what they want.
if you bow too much, if you give them what they want all the time, you lose big time.
going for a month, even 2 weeks is too long to put you on hold... however, this is the man game, and is doing this to test you. yes, test you! if you fall weak, and text him, call him, and tell him he must call you back, etc. again you lose.
If you continue to put up crap from any man, no matter the sign, the game is all the same. cancer men maybe more complicated than other signs, but he is still a man, and will play the same mental challenge/game as any other sun sign.
it's time to ask yourself what you really want. you want to learn how to win a good man, or continue to be solo is up to you.
many men out there are looking for quick and easy. the first objective is to get into your panties. I know that sounds crass, and it is. but that is how they think. they fall in love with you, if you are strong, not needy, and clingy. men do not plan to fall in love. they fall in love spontaneously.
Wow, there's some good advice here.
I'm just catching up after a couple of days, bare with me please. I will start where I had left off...
Monte: "All I know, is i have NO problem giving someone space, but when it takes weeks, and weeks, just makes me wonder, because if they really care about you, wouldn't they be afraid to stay away for so long thinking we might meet someone else?"
Luazinha: "But from my experience with a cancer and others as well, cancers seem to have a completely different sense of time and space....He can go into a shell for weeks and months and not realize it had been that long. It's up to you to decide whether you want to wait or put up with it."
Monte, I think that from a scorp's perspective we tend to be naturally suspicious of our partner being with/meeting someone else when we're not getting the attention we are accustomed to - even in the most secure relationships. Some astrologists nab it as "jealousy" or "possessive" tendencies, but I think it's more a gut-feeling suspicion because we sense a change in behavior/attention. And it's usually not unfounded. We're (sometimes unfortunately) usually spot on with our suspicion. So we reverse the situation and wonder why they aren't wondering the same about us. At least, that's how I felt this past week while my cancer was shelling up, and thought that very thing many times. Why isn't he concerned that I could be meeting someone new while he's busy holing up with himself?! The truth of the matter is, because he isn't that concerned about me. It sucks, but it's the truth. I shouldn't expect him to wonder what I could be doing in his away time, just because I have that natural suspicion myself. But also, if he's not wondering (and by doing this he'll reach out to check on you) then chances are he's just not that into you. The signs are usually there, we just have to open our eyes to the truth of the situation.
However, like Luazinha says, they also have a different sense of time than most. And it's very slow and sideways. So the same rules do not always apply here. It IS up to us to figure out if we can truly handle their disappearing acts and moods. It IS up to us to listen to our gut feeling. It IS up to us to not be afraid of the worst case scenario. Good can come out of pain, trust me. It's usually in those moments we learn the most about ourselves, and it sounds like you are.
"Ya know, I sit here at times, thinking of certain things he would say to me that made me feel sooooo special, and like I was "the one"..and cant help but to wonder was it a lie ? because cancerians are excellent liars i hear, I have such mixed emotions on this whole ordeal, I am at a point where I have to make myself QUIT thinking about it, and trying to figure out WHY, just so I can focus. I have this "stunned" feeling to me that just wont subside."
I think when your cancer said those things to you he genuinely believed them and felt them. But cancer's moods and feelings ebb and flow A LOT, so things change with them, naturally. I can relate to your mixed emotions - it's tough trying to turn off our overly-analytical minds. It's near impossible, we just want to get to the bottom of it and KNOW. Chances are you already know. You intuited it, and that was where your feelings and text came from. And I think your "stunned" feeling is the first sign of recovery, a sort of numbing out of sorts. Then begins the re-building.
Piscesstar: "The thing is if you still want him in your life, you may have to make a sacrifice.
If he is so worth it and you feel you can handle the rollercoaster ride, give everything you got to try and salvage your relationship with him, at the very least, you know you gave it your all. "
I don't know if I wholeheartedly agree with this, sorry PS. I don't think it should be about "sacrifice" but compromise. If you're willing to sacrifice yourself, then you are doing just that. And he isn't going to notice because he isn't doing the same thing himself. You could give it your all, but if he isn't then he won't recognize what you're offering. It's like going shopping at Ross versus Nieman Marcus. I can spend a lot of money on a designer dress at Nieman Marcus, but only those that care enough about designer fashions notice. So instead I shop at Ross so that I don't have to spend as much money, but I still feel good about my purchase and gleam the same compliments from those that notice and care. It's kinda like the saying "it takes one to know one", well it takes feelings to recognize and appreciate feelings.
shellyg: "If a guy really wants you, he'll bend over backwards to get you. You won't have to try and raltionalize and formulate all sorts of excuses for his behaviour because his intentions will be very clear."
Spot on. Ding, ding, ding. I'm sorry, but this is true and goes back to sacrificing yourself for his affections. Guys are fairly simple lots with pretty straight-forward intentions. If he likes you, he's going to act like he likes you. If he's in transit with his feelings, he's going to back off some. If he's not interested, you won't hear from him. Maybe a couple months down the road he'll reach out to say hi, but do not mistake that for "he must want to get back together" or "misses me". No, he's probably just h o r n y, or had a simple thought to say hi because he cares about you as a person. It really is that simple. We need to stop trying to read between the lines, because there is no message there.
Luazinha: "Seems like cancer men bring up insecurities in a lot of us, as Ms sunny mentioned in the earlier pages, it's their issues, they are screwed up, but the fact that it provokes things deep inside us says somethng about our own insecurities and what we will put up with."
I think in this forum, being that it is all about cancer men, we're seeing that trend of insecurities because they can be so hard to read due to their moodiness. But I agree with L in that this is more about us, and what's going on inside and how much we can handle before we bend or break (up). Personally, I'm very thankful for this forum because reading everyone's experiences and advice has really helped me to pinpoint some of my own needs, which sounds basic and simple - but when you're stuck in an emotional reactionary mode, it's not so easy to remain objective.
"Monte12, you sent that text because you voiced your needs. maybe you didn't give him a chance, maybe you reacted, but ultimately you reacted with your needs in mind. Maybe he's lying, maybe not. Maybe he'll contact you several weeks later as if nothing had happened, maybe he won't, but above all you need to figure out what YOU want. "
I agree with L on this. I support your decision in sending the text ultimately. Like shellshocker said, you may have not given him a chance BUT he had a chance to respond, and he hasn't. I think that if you care about pursuing a friendship with this guy then you should send him a clear the air sort of text and wish his daughter a happy birthday. Just a simple "hey, just wanted to say hello and wish your daughter a happy bday" should suffice. I don't think you owe him an apology for voicing your feelings. I think you might want to give him an explanation of why you reacted so strongly (in breaking up via text), BUT only if he wants to talk about it. At the least, your text is now friendly and opens the door for him to communicate with you should he choose.
Piscesstar, my friend, don't sacrifice yourself for the wrong person. Love yourself for the right person. Six weeks is too long imho, I'm sorry to be blunt but it's time to move on and re-focus.
And now...I have a confession.
I chose friendship with my cancer guy last night. I took your advice shellshocker and I asked the tough questions, rather than presuming we were on the same page. While the answers I got were a bit convoluted and sideways (surprise surprise), the bottom line was that his feelings for me weren't in the same place as mine for him, and I would be short-changing myself if I had chosen to continue dating someone that was simply dating me to "feel things out". I know my needs. And I need someone that likes me and wants to get to know me past a surface "safe" level. He doesn't have that desire, or interest, right now. He says he's got a wall up due to PTSD from being on the front lines of the Gulf War in 2002. Either way, that wall, or whatever he's calling a lack of deeper feelings, is the truth of how he feels, or doesn't feel. And I'm better off knowing than I am hoping. Maybe he'll develop them as we continue a friendship and get to know one another, but I'm not going to bet on that. And I'm certainly not going to entertain any romantic fantasies with him any longer. It's counter-productive and I would be putting the wrong energy out to the wrong person. I'd rather save all of it for the right person: me.
After all, there are plenty of crabs in the sea - but there is only one me.
Real quick, I just wanted to say thank you to all of you! I'm so glad I stumbled upon this forum, and I'm really touched by how kind and supportive everyone has been with one another.
I am in a similar situation, only with a virgo. It's been a year and in the beginning he showered me with attention, called at least three times daily. That lasted maybe a month and a half..in that time i completely fell for him. Oh, did i mention we were friends in high school? its been 10 yrs since graduation and this past year we reconnected. This past year has been a roller coaster, i will admit i was always there for him and did anything he asked even if i didnt hear from him for a few weeks. I told him how i felt and he told me he didnt want a relationship b/c of a past breakup that was really hard on him (that breakup was a yr and a half ago now) so, ok i could respect that and we remained friends but in the meantime after i told him my feelings he grew distant and didnt call as often and he didnt invite me to come visit much anymore (its long distance by 3 hours)
But it seems as if there are times when we make progress. for example, he will call me like 3 times in one week..then nothing for a couple of weeks. im still completely in love with him but im just now realizing that i cant do this anymore, esp. after reading these posts he seems to be out living his life and he is a HUGE flirt and just recently seems to be dating others now. which by the way, when they dont work out he tend to call me..and of course im there..like always. and thats the problem..it seems like no matter how much i do, or how much i care, or how much i show him i care and praise him..its never good enough. and thats b/c he doesnt feel the same way about me. this realization pretty much came last night when i was waiting for my weekly phone call and it didnt come. so i gave it a little while and sent a text "just wanted to say hi, hope you had a great night" ok, so it worked..he called, only to act very very distant and well, shady. the phone call i think lasted myabe 5 min. i personally think he's seeing someone new.
and i just always try to justify these things with this thinking.....when im there with him, when i go for a visit..hes perfect. he waits on me hand and foot, cooks for me, takes me out..ive even met pretty much all of his friends. then when i leave...he creates that distance between us again. but, my point is this..dont waste your time trying to figure out what your guy is thinking..b/c chances are that by the time you feel that way..he's already started treating you the way you dont deserve. ive wasted a whole year on the man i love...even passing up dates with other men b/c i was holding out (he doesnt know this) but, the adivce in these responses have been great. if a guy is in to you..he will let you know, just like my guy did in the beginning. so, on this morning..after i have realized all this..i am sad. i do really love and care for him (although i know he doesnt know how deeply..he just thinks i have a crush on him) but, i know i cant keep doing the same things b/c they are not working for him or me. its hard but i will have to move on..and you should too. if the guys wanted to be with us..they would be..and if they dont then its their loss thats easier said than done!
so my advice is to not waste a year on someone like i have. if they dont treat you the way you need or want to be treated then try to move on. i cant tell you how many times ive heard "if its meant to be, it will be" i guess in my case it was never meant to be, but i think there maybe some truth to that statement..even though it hurts alot to think it was never meant to be. ive never felt so deeply for someone ever...and to have that person not even a little bit return the love..yeah its hard..but, ive got to find a way to move on...there are other fish in the sea right??
Hello to All .....
I have been reading this forum since it started. I am currently going through a similar situation with my Cancer friend . I sware while I was reading this it Felt like you were talking about me ! ( My thread is : Calling all Cancers ) This has been the worse 2 weeks of my life! We are ( Maybe now were ) childhood Friends. He recently hurt feelings really bad. Me being a Scorpio I had to let him know what he did wrong, and letting him know that if he wanted to atleast salvage the friendship we needed to talk . I have not heard from him since !! I am soooo hurt behind this. Weve known each other since age 9 . Our families are very close ( I just talked to his mom the other day , No she does not know about anything thats going on ) I can't believe that he has not opened up communication. I know I was justified in sending the text . HE WAS WRONG. I mean are we as women not supposed to let men know when theve done something that has hurt our feelings ? I even been second guessing myself thinking that I did something wrong ( I know I did not write the whole story but it's very long lol ) When I have not ! On a positive note Im glad I came across this forum . There is some very good advice over here . I know one day I will heal and I know that our paths WILL cross again . It's just so hard ...... I feel so bad and my confidence is at a all time low ....
Monte 12 - I know exactly what your going through . Our snenarios are very much the same .
Solarity - Your advice has actually helped me to calm down a little.
I don’t believe there is any strategizing going on here; I think Monte is just trying to understand what’s going on. We all know when a guy is blowing us off when they stop calling. There are clear indications when that happens and it’s usually felt by both parties. However, I can’t say much more on this because I usually know after the 1st date whether I’m into them or not.
Twenty years ago, I was in a similar situation as yours. I thought he was blowing me off, so I basically forced him to say goodbye. Eventually he just became so angry he refused any association with me until 9 years later when he initiated contact again, but he was still angry. It wasn’t until 16 years after the actual occurrence that we discussed it. In this instance (sorry Monte I’m not picking on you), what was communicated was an assumption of what you thought he wanted, not your actual feelings. In a way I feel sad for Cancer men because people assume they know what they want. Men have a harder time communicating their needs and feelings than women do, however communication works both ways.