PLEASE HELP! Is my cancer man not interested anymore??
My cancer man sometimes travels for an extended period of time. When he comes home, it takes time for him to re-group and re-acclimatize so although he lets me know as soon as he walks in the door sometimes it could take up to a week, maybe even 2 (depending) before I see him. He needs to get his life back in order before he can allow himself to settle down to spend time with me, mainly because I’m not a problem he has to deal with. He doesn’t make plans until all those things are settled and his mind can relax, otherwise his head would be buzzing with everything else instead of being with me. We can’t always expect someone to jump to our attention, just as we wouldn’t like it if someone expected us to put our life on hold to attend to them. The key word is ‘expectation’; it’s tantamount to ‘take for granted’ and in opposition to ‘appreciation’.
He was testing you. He might not think of it that way, but he was.
Solarity has some great advice. When your life is full, you don’t waste your time waiting for someone to fill the gaps. I swear I think my friends must think he’s clingy because whenever he’s busy, I make plans and half way thru the night he’s either calling or texting me. But whenever I’m busy, he leaves me alone to do my thing. If you don’t come across as confident and composed, then he’ll spend more time in his shell analyzing why you’re acting a certain way. If you are so desperate to see him or know when you’re going to see him, he’ll wonder where he’s going. In other words, is this only a temporary thing or are you in it for the long haul. If you’re in it for the long haul, then why is there this desperation and insecurity? I’m Aquarian Sun, Aries Moon, Scorpio rising; I can analyze the cr@p out of anything. My major setback during the initial stages of this relationship was to do just that and then I made it personal and reacted on scenarios built up in my own mind. Excluding the “initial” stages, we’ve been together close to 4 years now. As long as you understand each other and learn to ride the waves then your perspective could change on roller coasters.
MsSunny: Im so sorry for your loss. I hope you and your family can find peace some how through this. Also, thank you for your post and advise. It much apreciated in a situation where your not sure if someone is just "in a shell for a little while" or simply moving on. I am keeping myself as busy as possible, and trying to focus on me and my responsibilities.
AquaBubbles: Thank you for your post as well. Although, I must say, I can understand that he needed to take care of things, and adjust to being back from Vegas. But there are just things that dont make sense to me, that makes me feel that he just didnt want to see me anymore. Im not sure if he was/is just in his shell was going to come back around or if he was just not that interested in seeing me anymore. If you or someone could try to clarify that for me it would be MUCH appreciated. However, if he was just in his shell, im sure by my last text to him (and with no response) he is probably gone for sure now. Im so used to meeting these guys and getting lied to that i can not tell the difference anymore as to whether they really ever cared or not. As far as this cancerian man, i have never put any demands on him, nor him with me. We would see each other 2 or 3 days a week, and I was FINE with that..but he always kept in touch, until now??? Just seems like something changed from his arrival back from Vegas. I probably should not have sent that last text, and just let it go and seen what happened, but I felt i needed to know if he had any interest in me still or if everything he said was a big fat lie and I was getting dismissed from his life in a round about way. To this day, I still do not know...i have a feeling I will never know, I might have scared him away for sure, but I guess if that is the case, then he didnt really care too much ??? I wish someone could look into a glass ball and give me a hint at my near future (in a way..lol)but for now, im taking it day by day, moving on with my life, even though its not what i expected or wanted...its hard as heck, but keeping busy is the key
I’m just on my way out for dinner, so a quick note. You’re allowing insecurities to get the better of you. Just because he mentions strippers or a woman with big b--bs (btw they are b--b men) doesn’t mean he doesn’t appreciate you. A couple of the women here say it’s not personal, and it’s not. They go back and forth like that; sometimes incredibly affectionate, sometimes emotionally distant. He can’t be “on” all the time; such as in the case of a comedian that is on all the time can be very tiring. I’ll have to come back later
I guess I look at it like I expected a response from that last text I sent him. If he did not want me to basicly "let him go" per say, he would have responded in some way. Just makes me feel like I was right in feeling that is what he wants. They sure are a difficult sign, however, I know everyone is different in general. He does seem to show alot of the cancerian traits, but I cant help to think of when they feel like they are losing you, they come flying back again and grab on, and Im getting the opposite affect? Thats what makes me feel like was the way he led me to believe he feels for me just a lie ? or was it real ? Im having a super hard time with this. Feeling like I meant nothing to him and he wants me to be gone for what ever his reason is..
"this is not what i want, but im assuming you do not want to see me anymore. Im not sure whats going on with you becuz you are avoiding me, which is all i can assume right now. and i will give him what it seems he wants. and that i will always think of him"
I had to go back and reread…I would have been surprised if you did get a response. It’s what I meant by building up a scenario, assuming it’s the truth, and then reacting on it. Its negative reassurance, I’m sorry but it is. Now, he’s probably trying to figure out what the heck’s going on. He could very well assume that it’s what you want otherwise you wouldn’t have voiced it. I don’t know whether he’ll come back with an answer eventually, it all depends on how well he understands you.
I wish there was an edit button.....to add to the last line. ...and how well he understands himself.
Hi, Sorry your having problems like this. Yes, I think it's over but you weren't involved with him very long, either. I know this feeling and situation. And from reading over your story, this is better left alone. Create your own path and be happy but most of all learn the lesson here. You know in your heart what the lesson is.
I suppose I let my emotions and insecurities get the best of me. Sometimes I look at it like, when someone REALLY likes you, they will show you that, no matter what the situation is. Maybe he will come back to me, maybe he wont. I suppose I am gonna have to face the facts for whatever it may be. Sad, but true. Its gonna be hard for a little while, and I will always have questions in my mind that I will probably never know the answers to, might just make it that much harder to move on and find closure. But i guess there comes a time in everyones lives that you have to do just that, move on not knowing. I just want to thank everyone for all your advice and caring thoughts I wish the best for all of you. Thanks again.....
I'm sorry things didn't work out for you here monte12, but that last text you sent pretty much sealed the fate of your relationship. You broke up with him because he was being himself. You assumed his thoughts and feelings, something a cancer needs a lot of time to figure out for themselves, and dumped him... all the while secretly hoping it would prompt him to respond to you the way YOU wanted him to respond. It's a form of emotional manipulation, and a Cancer knows all about that. Mastered it actually.
He told you what was up with him. "I'm busy... I'm overwhelmed... I won't be available to you for awhile." This is the Cancer way and we can't change who we are. So... him being himself wasn't exceptable to you... and you ended it. by text.
Think about this... if you REALLY liked him, would you have broken up with him by text just because he wasn't giving you what you wanted, when you wanted it? AND... you never even expressed what you wanted to him! you just assumed and let him go. If I were him, I'd be crushed and there is no way I'd contact you again.
Aquabubbles gave some very wise insight and excellent advice. personal insecurity while in a relationship with a cancer, does not work at all. I think to much of the time, a relationships focus is....what is he/she thinking about ? Do they like me ? Are they attracted to me ? When really, we as individuals, need to just be who we are. A relationship has to have ebb and flow. Relationships have to be developed, not manipulated or over guessed.
And, in my experience, we are asking the right questions to the wrong people. And the wrong questions to the right people.
What is wrong with saying, wow, I really like you. I know we just met, but tell me about who you ARE. What you like, etc. Not to automatically mold into that person whom they desire, but to listen. To see if who we are matches up to what they need.
There is nothing wrong with being alone and working on ones self. Being a strong, fun, well grounded partner, is the best gift you can give a potential mate.
Ms Sunny - I'm sorry to hear about your FIL, my condolences to you and your family.
Monte - It sounds like you ended things with your cancer man bc your gut feeling was that he wasn't being honest with you, which imo is probably the right decision. It hurts, I'm sure. But in the long run you'll be much happier bc you're no longer second-guessing his intentions, or yourself. I have similar "F*** it!" moments when I want to pull the plug and send a break-up text/email/call, but I've learned to refrain (after 'accidentally' breaking up with a previous cancer – kinda tough lesson to learn). I've since realized it's usually a mood that passes, generated by frustration of not being able to control the timing of things...so while I would love to say I'm getting better at patience, I don't know if it's entirely true.
I think what shellshocker said is true unfortunately (and aquabubbles and taurus7). But I can also understand why you sent your text. The unfortunate part is that in doing so you never gave him a chance. : / But if what Ms Sunny said is true about all cancer's being great liars, I guess it doesn't matter – the “lie” in this situation could be a lack of feelings (post-Vegas) that were professed (pre-Vegas), BUT were probably genuinely felt when spoken. Cancers could be great liars, but I've lied to spare someone's feelings also (and will probably again), so I can't throw stones.
shellshocker - "You broke up with him because he was being himself. You assumed his thoughts and feelings, something a cancer needs a lot of time to figure out for themselves, and dumped him... all the while secretly hoping it would prompt him to respond to you the way YOU wanted him to respond. " Question: at what point do cancer men "figure" themselves out? I understand we are all constantly evolving, gathering more information to help us determine our feelings/where we stand – but I've noticed that cancer men tend to excuse their disappearance as part of their personality in a "deal with it, this is who I am" sort of manner. In other words, there is no compromise. Enlighten me please. Is this a defense mechanism? Or preparation for a permanent disappearing act?
Trust me solarity, you probably don't want to deal with a Cancer who doesn't disappear to 'figure themselves out'. The changeability of emotions is unfounded, and the results of these emotions unpredictable. When in a 'mood' a Cancer is liable to say, do or act out in a way that may not accurately represent who we are, but only how we are feeling at that time. Therefore... lying, anger and deception can come from us at that moment, and change quickly after.
This can cause severe damage to a relationship, then we have the original problem,(the reason why we created space in the first place) PLUS the problem that has occurred as a result of us NOT dealing with it and instead dealing with you. I have gotten myself into many situations of heated emotion due to one misunderstanding or another all based on things I couldn't explain. Because these emotions are felt to the core and can be completely irrational.
This is why 'testing' is a common practice with a Cancer. We want you to see us at our best, because it can be truly beautiful. But our lows can be very, very low and we need to trust you completely... trust you will not balk and run if you see us like that. Some Cancers haven't figured this out yet and will not retreat, showing their bi-polar nature early in a relationship.
You've probably read the threads about these ones. NOT pretty...
For example: let's say a woman wishes her man to text her when he's in his shell. How does one answer a text asking for an explanation of why he is MIA? He may not understand the reason himself... "i feel like my life is meaningless. there is a sinking feeling in my heart and I and consumed with a bitter loneliness that will forever haunt me. I will forever be empty."
Do you really want to hear this? You may say yes... but then you will be prompted to help, or give comfort, or may internalize his pain and think it is a reflection of his relationship with you. ALL these responses are incorrect. You CAN'T help, you CAN'T comfort, you CAN'T internalize because it will only make him resent you or trigger even more erratic behavior. Sometimes... it just has to go away on it's own. We can handle it better than you because we have the gift to heal ourselves. And when a Cancer is healing themselves they have nothing left over for you.
Even if he just said, 'I'm busy." he'd be lying. Do you want that? and really... I've tried this and it's not enough for the other. Now my blunt text may cause hurt feelings, or the fact I've answered your text makes you think it is now ok to start communicating again. It's not. You've now interrupted my healing process and who knows how I might react to that. Now it's more complicated. Just leave me alone.
Yes, he may spend time with friends when in this 'mood'. Friends who understand this about him and ask for nothing in return.
But in a relationship the other will always require something. A Cancer knows and senses this, so it is best to just stay away instead of creating MORE problems that will need MORE solutions and require an output of MORE energy.
We take in so much, people have no idea. How can you compromise on that?
Solarity: Thank you for your opinion and understanding. I know, believe me that it is a matter of figuring out if it is my gut talking to me or if its just that he needed time away from me for a little bit. It is just certain things do not add up. So, I am left to wonder if what i did via text was for the better, or I should have just tried to be a little more patient. I know cancerians are super sensitive, and have deep deep emotions that they need to go into a shell to try to figure out, and I always gave him the space to do so. I never put demands on him. I went with the flow of things, until his return from Vegas. I for some reason, just had and still have a gut feeling he was not being honest with me. I probably should have just let it go period, but I myself dont want hurt or lied to either. I know Shellshocker did and does make some good points, but at the same time, makes it sound like it "all about the cancerian"....dont call them if you dont hear anything from them, dont try to talk to them, just let them be, and they will come back around..Just seems like a one way relationship..Im sorry, but it does. It's all just so contradicting, because everything I read about them, and Shellshocker has expressed, seems true, but at the same time, I cant help to think once in a while " what about us ?", what about the way they make US feel ? or think ? or not think ? Im only stating my thoughts as well. I just think in my situation, it was more that he was not being honest with me, than being in a shell and needing time. This is my second time dating a cancerian guy, and I am well aware they need time to process their emotions and thoughts, but something about "this one" just does not seem like that. However, I still should have let it go and not sent the text (just like Shellshocker) and others in here stated. Unfortunately, I did not. However, it is a lesson learned, and probably for the best. I still think about him and all the wonderful moments we shared, and it sucks, but each day that passes, does get a little easier. I think about him every minute of every day :(....If there is anything you can learn from me and my situation, its be true to yourself to Not that you are not. I wanted to thank you very much because you also had and have some good points and questions, but you also understand me and where I am coming from to, so thank you for that.. It means alot and helps me find some peace that is much needed in myself right now.
Awww monte12... I'm not dissing your reason for being suspicious of the guy. Hey, Cancers are also very horny and excellent liars so he probably was up to something. I'm just saying... you slammed the door on yourself and now you'll probably never know. Ask first, react later. Life is learning and I was just giving some perspective on the whole shelling thing.
Cancers are selfish. Very hard to deal with. I'm great to be with... BUT it's almost impossible to get there. It takes a looonnngg time and even then there are no guarantees I won't change my mind along the way, haha! They are not for the faint of heart... but then again, either are Scorpios! I've had my heart torn out by one. Ouch!!!!
Shellshocker: Thank you for being so honest. I cant say that your initial post to me, didnt hurt, lol but I deep down know what your point was :). Us scorpios are just as sensitive as you cancerians I think, if not, pretty close.. except we brood for a short time over it and might bite back..ahaha..speaking of us scorpios, Im sorry to hear about you having you heart tore out. I really am, its NOT anything I wish on anyone. Im sure I did slam the door on myself by the text and Im sure I will never hear from him again and never know what would have taken place if I did not send it.. again, lesson learned here! However, I am learning to find peace in myself since all this took place. I miss him like crazy, but I will survive, im a scorpio lol. We also, daydream about the future, and past relationships, because we let VERY few people in, and when we do, we always remember them feelings we had at one time, like it was yesturday. So witgh that being said, Im sure your ex-scorpio still thinks about you even though your heart got tore out. Thanks again for being a friend and sharing your thoughts with me....
Oh, and Shellshocker: couple questions, (my investigative scorpion mind working here,lol)
Since you say say cancers are "excellent liars"- Do they lie to people they are starting to care about OR care about, if so, why ?
IF he does have someone else in the pic, and even though the text i sent- do you think he will think of me?
I finally get it!
Well explained, this makes so much sense as to who a cancer is.
This helps so much. Mine is still in his shell, and thank god for this site because this has
kept me from losing it ,and not getting all upset with him, and making the situation even worse. I never argued with him, I was easy going then bam...........his gone!
I still believe mine has gone for good, and I don't really think I can cope with someone like this.
I still would like to just be his friend, but if he choses not to its okay.
I am actually okay with that.
Thanks for putting us heartbroken women in place, good job!
Everyone, I can't even lie, I have been following this thread for a few days! It's been refreshing, hopeful...but also sobering to read...I've always had Cancers in my life, but while I'm receptive to them, it's hard for me to see things from their perspective, and this has helped a lot.
Selfishly, I will admit that I am mostly poking my head in here to see if I could get any of your insight on an issue with my own male Cancer friend. Although there is no romantic influence, I'm kind of in a similar boat with my friend. All of you have quite a fascinating discussion going, and I am constantly looking for more input, because honestly, I'm pretty much stuck.
Monte...I'm really sorry to hear about the struggles with your friend. I'm a Pisces, so I know all too well the meaning of "deep emotions." The Cancers I do have in my life...despite all the ups and downs, have obviously been worth all of the struggle. Though it seems you two might be over, I hope it's not in the long run, because a relationship with them is truly rewarding! Which is why we all flock here when Cancers retreat, I suppose.
Link to the thread, if any of you would be willing to take a look:
This is also a link to a thread with TheCaptains compatibility analysis between "Dave" and I:
"Just seems like a one way relationship..Im sorry, but it does. It's all just so contradicting, because everything I read about them, and Shellshocker has expressed, seems true, but at the same time, I cant help to think once in a while " what about us ?", what about the way they make US feel ? or think ? or not think ?"
Monte, this is a continual struggle with scorpio-cancer relationships I suspect. Mostly, I think, because we are both very self-important, as we should be. It's part of our armor.
For me, when my cancer doesn't make an effort to see me, it hurts my feelings. I begin to question his true feelings for me, because to me it would seem that if you like someone then you'd want to see them more than once a week or couple of weeks - even when you're a busy-body such as myself (and he isn't). So I get upset the moment I realize we won't be able to see each other due to schedule conflicts/priorities, but I don't let him know directly.
Instead, I retreat bc I don't want him to know/see he's affected me, hurt my feelings, and made me feel momentarily weak for not being able to suck it up in that initial moment. I say "made me" but I also know he didn't make me do anything; I did it to myself because I had my own hopes and expectations, and they weren't the same as his - and that's not his fault really. So I retreat not bc I think he should do something about it, but bc I know he can't. It is who he is. And I can't expect him to be someone else just bc I have different needs.
It's hard on me sometimes, I'm not gonna lie, there's no sugar coating it. I like to think it's making me stronger and more patient, but sometimes I question if I'm allowing myself to be conditioned. But then, aren't we all conditioning/training one another to a certain degree? And really, the end result is me focusing more on me, so it's not all for not.
When I retreat I think he knows why, and while part of him might feel like he should invest more time (I can sense his inner struggle with this in his texts), he simply doesn't have the energy in him - and I know this so I try not to take it personally. If I took it personally I'd just end up a blubbery mess and completely misrepresent myself. And I'm much too scorpio to allow that. ; > Like you said, you will survive, you are a scorpio, my friend.
"But in a relationship the other will always require something. A Cancer knows and senses this, so it is best to just stay away instead of creating MORE problems that will need MORE solutions and require an output of MORE energy."
shellshocker, once again you hit it on the head, thank you. I guess, in all honesty, I have no idea if I'm handling my cancer the way I should or shouldn't be - so instead, and more importantly, I am trying to handle myself, which I also feel I should be doing in the first place. Any other advice you can offer? You seem to have quite a handle on the male cancer.
Monte, I wasn’t making any judgements and maybe I should have elaborated (sorry Pisces Mercury Rx and I was very tired) because I do understand how you feel, I do understand why you reacted the way you did and where those feelings are coming from. Remember in my first post I said that we had major setbacks? Well part of the fault was me over-analyzing and reacting on what I had built up in my head, so I have said similar things in nature. We’ve been in a committed relationship for close to 4 years, but over the course of 21 years we’ve attempted a relationship 3 other times…so you can guess at all the heartache we went through. One of those times he even said “you keep disappearing on me”.
We don’t like to put our insecurities on display although my thought, right or wrong for some, is to expose them so that we can work on conquering them. There is no judgement; we are all human. So I hope you don’t mind if I tell you my thoughts? He is a catalyst that is triggering feelings that come from much deeper inside you. When you tell someone that you assume they are not interested anymore, you have basically rejected yourself even before they have a chance to reject or accept you. And shellshocker is right, it is a form of emotional manipulation, but it also a form of seeking validation from the wrong source. In that respect this has nothing to do with him. I hope you understand that?
What shellshocker described about a Cancer wanting to disappear, I just experienced a few weeks ago. You really don’t want to be in the way when he needs his time to heal. I knew it, felt it even stronger in the last month and expected him to take shell time. He just kept delaying it, until he finally took a bite out of me. In private I cried uncontrollably for 2 days, but I knew that he knew he had hurt me. I left it alone and he made it up to me a few days later, and then he told me he needed his shell time. I think it’s really hard to deal with when they don’t communicate their need and just disappear, because it leaves the other person confused. But when they do tell you, for me anyways, it’s easy to give them what they have a right to.