PLEASE HELP! Is my cancer man not interested anymore??

  • Also, if you haven't communicated your feelings and needs then they can't read your mind either.

  • "Men have a harder time communicating their needs "

    Men are quite straight foward in my opinion. They just don't communicate like women do but if they are ignoring you it means they are ignoring for a reason usually because they don't want to contact you because they are just not into you. Of course we can all wait 17 years to get to the bottom of the situation but who does that?

    Move on ladies.

  • Wow....lots of good responses and opinions I must say. Each and everyone of you, I would like to thank you soooo much for all of it. It has helped me in many ways. Now that 7 days have passed, with no response from the guy I thought cared about me, has really shown me alot about him, and also myself. Good, bad and indifferent. I have realized he really does not care and its ok, because Im letting go. I do not want someone in my life that makes me feel all that confusion and hurt. I did try to communicate with him him "post-vegas" in my own way, and if he "cared" at all he would have contacted me somehow, someway, by now. Its kind of like "the damage is done" so it wouldnt matter if he called next week to see me. Yes, I would want to talk to him, to "clear the air" so to speak. But, Im PRETTY sure I do not want to get back into that. Just like Gypsydreams stated "if they care, they will be around" and it wont be weeks later. That is not someone who cares. I have a good heart, and I am a good person and alot of good qualities about myself, that maybe someday, someone "worth-it" will notice and appreciate. Dont get me wrong, I still wonder what changed "all the sudden" with this guy, but its almost to the point of " who cares, get over it and move on!"..I almost feel bitter now, so, now its my time to heal, and be alone and get past this. Thats how I know, it wouldnt work out between us even IF he decided to come back around. Its too late. But, im pretty sure I do not have to worry about that. Im not even sure on what the lesson learned is or will be, but I do know, this is NOT how I want to live. I do not expect to be with someone 5,6 or even 7 days a week (because I need my alone time to, believe me) but just respect me. Thats all I ask in return is respect and communication. Im a pretty understanding person when communicated to, and he knew that. Life is too short. Im not any where near ready to go out and meet new people as of yet, but maybe when Im done healing and getting strong again. Hopefully I do not have any drama in between now and then, lol. I do want to thank each and every single one of you for reading my post, and corresponding with me...You ALL have helped me in numerous ways. Your like my "peeps" 🙂 I wish all of you "the best" of luck in whatever it is you do, or decide to do. You are all wonderful people 🙂 For me, Im off on a new journey again, lol God help me..

  • LOL, I have a lot of male friends and they’re not as straight forward as they want you to think. When they don’t answer you it’s because they don’t know what the answer is, but they don’t say that. All of my male friends say “we really only care about 3 things; food, drink and s-x; the priority varies with each." So, do they only have women around to satisfy the last item on the list? If so, then all women should avoid all men. Its machismo talking. I have always had a male group of friends whether it was school or work; I am one of the boys and they don’t talk about their feelings; it makes them uncomfortable. Cancers are ruled by the Moon, they are emotional and nurturing. The males relate very well to women and can be as emotional as women, but in our society men can’t be that way and still try to relate to other men. Boys are still raised to be boys and girls to be girls.

    Just to clarify, I did not sit around and wait for him; I lived my life and had other long term relationships. I did not pursue him and I did move on. He came after me. I have to admit, it was advice such as some of the ones here that I’ve always regretted taking because it doesn’t allow for any compromise and/or compassion. So, if you are living your life without regrets then all the power to you.

  • Firstly, I too want to thank everyone for their opinions/advice.

    The reason I joined in these forums was to help me understand what I was dealing with.

    I don't know where to start, but I will go from here.

    I know I have come of pathetic to most, in my quest to be with this man.

    There was also so many conflicting/contradictions about these cancerian men, that I was trying to figure out where he stood among everything I read and what I actually saw and felt from him.

    Please know, that I went very slowly into this situation, I do not give my heart away easily.

    After what we shared and for him to reject me the way he did, it really hurt me!

    Just a quick note about men "getting into women's pants", he was not like that, he actually had issues in that department, so I will say thats not why he was with me. (and no I did not cause that!) Need to make that clear, it was on going way before me....

    I could give you his life story, but it boils down to, no matter what, he has removed himself from the picture and what ever excuse he has, YES< HE WAS JUST NOT THAT INTO ME!


    Yes, I was desperate for answers, desperate for solutions...DESPERATE!!!

    I am not ashamed to admit that now, because that is part of the healing process for me.


    I know I had to learn something from this experience.

    I actually don't care if I don't see him again, but I am a little nervous if we bump into each other.

    More so that I don't deck him!! LOL

    I am getting my spirit back and will continue to work on that.

    Its not the end of the world, life is going to go on for me.



    Thanks again everyone, you are all special and I really liked the honesty.


  • Well, im not sure i can say I dont have any regrets, or wont add any to my list in the years to come, lol...Im just saying a little bit of everything in here makes sense, is true, and helped me to quit hurting so much. I know it was a short term relationship, but I really was thinking he could be "the one", and I never think that. I guess overall what im saying is "i KNOW its time to move on" and not hope, or wait that he calls some day. But, im also not the type to run out and meet someone else, "just to have someone". I will take the time to be in "my shell" and take it as it comes. I know guys do not like to talk about their feelings, or show any signs of weakness towards a woman, but "they will do it"..and maybe this one just isn't sure how to respond to me, or just does not care to, I have no idea. Thats where the lack of communication comes in, because he is WELL aware how im feeling, he admitted "knowing i would feel slighted". So, to me, he knew he was pushing me aside, and to date still nothing..only leaves me to feel and believe "it is, what it is". But, I do understand what you are saying AquaBubbles. Im taking alot of information in and sorting out MY thoughts and MY feelings, and what I want and feel I should do. Hey, if he comes back into the picture, he better have one H***of a story for me, to convince me otherwise, lol. But, I will always listen to what he would have to say, and then I would need to think about what he told me, and listen to my instincts and my gutt, and take it from there. Actions always speak louder than words, so I would know if he were telling the truth or not. Point being, If he ever tried to contact me again no matter how long it would take, I would definatley give it the time to hear what he had to say, because if I wouldn't, I would no doubt "regret" that. Thats for sure 🙂

  • Piscesstar: You have not come off as pathetic. You (like me) were left to deal with feelings and emotions, but not the person who made you feel them...You are right though, its all a part of the healing process. Its good that your spirit is coming back 🙂 mine is to. Watch, as soon as we are both over them and strong again, they will come flying back into our it seems thats the way it goes. I feel the same way about bumping into this one Im dealing with as well. I just dont want him to get called back into my work to do another job and then bam ! We will see each other. Ugggg!! Also about "the getting into the pants" issue, this guy was not like that either, total gentleman, (was actually kinda scary) lol... I dont know girl, it sucks, for sure ! But, we will be ok. Thats all I can keep telling myself, so I dont start to pick at ME, thinking I did something wrong, when in fact, I really didnt. Not that im perfect, but I gave him his space, never pressured him, you get the picture 🙂 Just stay strong and KNOW you deserve better 🙂

  • Ms Sunny,

    I just want to add, I haven't called him or text him, even in my desperate need to hear from him, I did not and will not do any of these.

    He text me once, way back,to say he needs to visit blah blah....... and all my reply was "that would be great".

    I really did not push anything with him, I was giving him space, more space than

    Just thought I would mention this.


  • Monte, mine is the one for me. I knew it then and I know it now. That’s why I say don’t live with any regrets. I only had one and I already told you what that was, but I was given the opportunity to change that.

  • monte12,

    Thanks girl!

    I know we are on the same page with everything we are going through.

    You really have to BELIEVE it wasn't you!

    I can tell you are a good person, thats part of our problem....too nice!

    Deep down, you have to know you will be okay too!

    Blmoon did an awesome read for me, I was very surprised by her accuracy and her reading validated so much for me. If you get a chance read it.

    Aquabubbles>Just to clarify, I did not sit around and wait for him; I lived my life and had other long term relationships. I did not pursue him and I did move on. He came after me. I have to admit, it was advice such as some of the ones here that I’ve always regretted taking because it doesn’t allow for any compromise and/or compassion. So, if you are living your life without regrets then all the power to you.

    Piscesstar> Totally agree with what you said here. Thats why I contradict some of the things I

    say, the advice varies, and then I really think it over and it causes me frustration

    with my decision making within myself. (is that confusing)

  • Piscesstar>>>>>

    Ms Sunny,

    I just want to add, I haven't called him or text him, even in my desperate need to hear from him, I did not and will not do any of these.

    He text me once, way back,to say he needs to visit blah blah....... and all my reply was "that would be great".

    I really did not push anything with him, I was giving him space, more space than

    Just thought I would mention this.

    I am not clear as to how long it has been since you talked with him on anything at all. if you have waited more than one month, and you have not at all reach out to him by calling, email, or texting are all forms of communication, and he has not come back around, then he has lost interest. sorry to be blunt... and if sex was not in the equation, and you kept the cards close to your vest, and he still not coming around, then pat your self on the back, and good for you that you did not invest yourself too much.

    There are plenty of other fish in the sea.. he is not the only one around, and you should see this as blessing in disguise... not meant to be.

    either he is not at all ready for commitment./relationship, and possible he really is not the right one for you...

    change your perspective or your attitude, and you will see you have done all you can here.. let him go, and you know hearts of hearts with the book you recommended, you should know it's over by now.

    hugs, Sunny

  • I can see many of the ladies starting to see the big picture and taking their power back.

    Good for you ladies! GOOD for YOU!

  • Powerful men and women get what they want; they don’t walk away from a challenge. You have never lost your power; you just don’t know how to use it yet.

  • Getting treated like **** by a man is not a challenge. The challenge is to love yourself more than you love the person who is not interested or hurting you and move on to happier times. 🙂

  • You all have put a smile on my face with such support for strangers. : )

    Piscesstar - we have ALL been pathetic, desperate and confused at some point in our lives (this is usually when we learn humility - a very valuable life lesson), so we can all relate I think. Hugs to you. It sounds like you're in a positive healing place right now, and that's most important.

    The same for you, Monte. "Im not even sure on what the lesson learned is or will be, but I do know, this is NOT how I want to live. I do not expect to be with someone 5,6 or even 7 days a week (because I need my alone time to, believe me) but just respect me. Thats all I ask in return is respect and communication." <<< THAT is your lesson. You learned more about what you need in the RIGHT relationship, it sounds like. And you'll get all of that and more in the RIGHT time, with the RIGHT man. I'm not saying this guy wasn't the right guy - I'm just saying if he is, he will be it. In the meantime, keep doing what you're doing (as if I need to tell you that, you already know better). ; )

    My moment of weakness: I spent yesterday beaming smiles all day, feeling invigorated with my decision of friendship with my cancer guy (basically, taking the romance out of the equation for my heart's sake). Today I hate FB lol, as I saw a post he responded to by saying it wasn't about "finding A girlfriend but THE girlfriend" for him. This was posted immediately after I told him "I think we should stick to being friends because I don't want to date someone who isn't sure of how much they like me" (I don't have internet at home, so just saw his post today while at work), which was (obviously) spurred in my realization that he didn't like me the way I wanted to be liked. See how silly that sounds? Such a controlling scorp-reactive move, I know I know. Ahhhh well, it IS how I feel though.

    It's just rough because part of me is proud of myself for standing up for myself (in taking s e x out of the equation) and taking a sideways step into friendship (which was always the foundation with us anyways), but part of me wonders if I just scared him into walling up and preventing any romantic feelings for me to grow. Sometimes I feel so emotionally retarded that I annoy myself lol. Not every guy I date has to fall in love with me, or want to make me their girlfriend...but the rare ones that I do like, I hope do too. So in moving forward with our friendship I guess I will see the guy he is truly. And hopefully he'll stop running scared with all his walls, and see the girl/woman I am. But I won't bet on it. And I won't bet that even if he does see me for me, that I am the right girl for him. Hence, friends is the best decision. Right? I think so, hope so. Now I need to put that smile back on dammit; after all, I haven't lost anything in my decision. I gained a friend, at least so far...unless he pulls a crab move and disappears (although we work for the same company so we run into each other from time to time, so this is near impossible).

    We are going to a concert on Monday we had previous plans for, and my little bro is getting married tomorrow so I am absorbed in wedding cr@p all weekend...good to stay busy and distract me from my flip-flop emotions. Wish me luck for Monday, and have yourselves wonderful weekends!

  • Solarity: Good luck with your busy weekend and mondays concert.. hope things work out for you for the best 🙂 and I know exactley what you mean when you say "there are the "rare" ones out there that get your heart. Im the same way. It doesn't happen very often at all for me either.

    Update on my cancer guy: I know, I know, some will think Im stupid, however, I just needed some type of closure, SO, I text him today and asked if he could my surprise, he did text me back and said yes. So, I called him, (it was so nice to hear his voice). We had a wonderful conversation. I asked him if he could maybe explain to me "what happened"...he stated that everything with us was awesome, until Vegas, then when he came back, he admitted to trying to push me away, he said I was overwhelmed with work, and he wasnt sure how he felt and he was sorry I just didnt and I dont. And, that on one hand he wanted to text me or call me, but on the other he didnt want to. He said he was a mess, and he ended up hurting his back that day after vegas (when he went bowling) then got sick after that. He said numerous times it was really good to talk to me, and he is VERY attracted to me, and has a super fun time when he is with me..he said he was so overwhelmed with everything that last week he retreated in his house and didnt want to talk to anyone and he was a mess 😞 He told me he did miss me when he was at Vegas and thought about me often and still thinks about me. He made a comment also when talking about me (he has been divorced for 22 years, fyi) so when talking to me, he was really torn on what to, to text me or not, call me or not, that he just didnt know what to do so he did nothing. But the comment was: "i have been single for 22 years"....and he is just not sure how he feels about me, but under the same breath said he is sorry for hurting me and he never wanted to hurt me. I "listened" to everything he said, and did not interupt (like I sometimes can) and let him talk. He said he has a great time with me and he is super attracted to me, but is just not sure how he feels and he cant explain it. I let him know, that I understand and thanked him for talking to me.. he said im sorry that he cant tell me more than that right now and stated how glad he was to finally talk to me and talk about it. He also said "im not sure if i helped you clarify things or not" and it was up to me to do what i wanted with it (not in them same words) .i told him that i care about him and I will always be here for him if he wants to talk..and he said he would definately like to talk on the phone again. He still wants contact with me, seems like that text I sent him hurt him like everyone said it would and he did retreat in his shell, but he is starting to come back out a little bit at a time. He said he understands why i sent it because he was "distancing" himself from me but he was just a mess and didnt know to communicate with me or even what to say. We got alot out in the open, and have a better understanding of each other now i think. He admitts not communicating, because he didnt know how or what to say, and I admitted I communicated in the wrong way. But overall, as funny as it sounds, i still have NO idea where I stand with (its actually not funny) its like he isn't ready to see me just yet, and is still in his shell, but wants to keep in touch with me (which i expect to be a slow process 🙂 which is ok with me...I would like to say though, how can you NOT know how you feel about someone ? or is it more he dont know how he feels about the situation ? Could he just possibly be afraid to get too close to me and get hurt? Or, is he trying to tell me he cares for me as a person and in general and thats it ? I know I didnt get to put every little word in here, but I dont want to write a book. My instincts from talking to him told me he cares very deeply for me and will want to see me again one day when he has healed a bit more. Would love to hear what you all think ? The other thing is, yes he has been divorced for 22 years, and has dated in them 22 years..his last relationship was about 5 years ago. He said he just didnt feel the same way for her as she felt for him, so it ended. (he told me that when him and I first went out) so why today did he mention "i have been divorced for 22 years" and he just doesnt know how he feels ? Any insight on that would be welcomed.. 🙂

  • Hi monte12,

    Good for you having the courage to call him, and that was good he spoke to you.

    I am sorry you didn't get what you were hoping for.

    I have an a very good spiritual friend over seas who had told me about mine.

    She said, once bitten twice shy. They really never get over their exs.

    22 years is a long time to be divorced, but he may be liking his independence right now.

    Possibly he doesn't want to be tied down and just is very scared to be in a relationship.

    You would think at this age they want to find a partner to be and grow old with, I don't know!

    He needs time, but I still wouldn't advise you to wait around for him, get busy girl.

    Go out, join a club, go treat yourself, just keep busy.

    Today was a good day for me, the healing gets better everyday which I'm surprised.

    I never thought I could get over mine, but letting go is not too bad after all.

  • Monte12

    I'm glad you talked to him and by what you say he said, he's typical cancer. He got overwhelmed and retreated, my cancer guy retreated for 4 months. Sometimes it's not anything that "happens" when they go somewhere, like your cancer guy's case in Los Vegas. Mine changed after he went to Brazil because going there made him face some of the confusion, and they just can't handle all the emotions and instead of communicating this they go into their shells. At least he tried to explain it to you. About being divorced for 22 years, I heard cancers can't ever let go of people they once loved or get over hurt easily. I know 22 years is a long time but these cancers have a different sense of time. I hurt mine 15 years ago and he came back 13 years later for closure. He probably has feelings for you and for you it's hard to understand how he doesn't know how he feels but some people just get confused and really DON'T know. Don't try to analyze the situation so much you'll drive yourself nuts, and yes he may come around but do you really want to wait?

    He was divorced for 22 years and he said he got involved with someone else but it wasn't the same, which means it may take years or forever for him to open his heart to someone else again. If you are going to wait for him you may be waiting a long time. Cancers tend to want to still keep in touch even if they don't know how they feel. Last time I saw my cancer (over 4 months ago) he was all confused and overwhelmed, more with life, work etc and he didn't have room in his confusion and mess to even deal with his feelings about me. He still kept in touch but I let it go. Now he wants to see me again but I have no expectations, I only consider him to be a friend.

    My advice is for you to just think of him as a friend and keep in touch if you want but unless you are willing to wait for something that may never come about, let it go and live your life, be open to meeting other people and move on with your life. Don't over analyze, let him be. You deserve someone in your life that loves you and treats you well.

  • you made a big mistake by texting him and asking him what was wrong. after all of his explaining which was really sweet of him by the way, he is still NOT sure of how he feels about you, BUT he is very attracted to you.

    translation>>>>> he is wanting friendship with you and with benefits only. no commitments, no strings attached, he is just not that into you.

    figure it out before you go any further with him.... he is playing with your head

    and if you continue to play this game his way, you will regret it. this guy is a player.

  • Lua... I have read some of your posts about your friend or boyfriend, and you still after all of this time can't figure out whether he is a friend or your lover. now you say he is your friend? until you see him, then your emotions are all over the place. not working real well is it?

    he treats you like a doormat. when he gets lonely or in need to communicate, you come running and help him feel better. he feeds you so much garbage about his being sick, or whatever, and how do you know he is being honest with you? ask him to send you a pic of him being so sick and while he is vomiting because you want proof.

    damn it... get tough will you

    obviously, I am the devil's advocate as of late, and the stories I read here, are really about women who can't find a real man to live up to their simple expectations.

    as long as you allow him to duck and weave and lay out a bunch of lousy excuses for you, nothing will change with him. from your description, I think he is self absorbed ego maniac.

Log in to reply