PLEASE HELP! Is my cancer man not interested anymore??
Hi, I just happened to stumble upon this thread, and since I'm dating a Cancer man myself, I can relate to some of this.
In my case, said Cancer guy wasted no time in going after me -- he asked me out point blank, and it kind of blindsided me, since I'm used to men playing games or waiting for me to make the move. Really, I think culture plays a part in that kind of behavior. Men today are, in many cases, emasculated. Many of them like to act like women and wait to be approached, or are too cowardly to pursue. It's pathetic, really.
Anyway, said guy is actually a total romantic and a sweetheart. But a few weeks into us seeing each other, his texts and calls became too infrequent, at least for my liking. It seemed to me that once he thought our relationship was established (he became emotionally committed to me really fast), he took "us" for granted and wasn't working on it. So, in typical Aries fashion, I blew up on him. I managed to explain that he needs to talk to me (I'm big on communication; blame my Gemini rising). It worked, amazingly.
My parents are an Aries-Cancer match, with my dad being the Cancer, and they have been married for almost 30 years. One thing I've learned about Cancers is that they are married to their work, because money is one of their biggest insecurities. My Cancer man has three jobs. If they aren't working, they are miserable because that means no money. They can also be very cheap. When a Cancer man is emotionally hurt, or confused, he may, similar to Virgo, busy himself with work. Of course in Virgo's case it's a love of being busy, but in Cancer's it's an underlying love of money, and making it can be balm to a wounded ego or smooth out any obfuscation.
I found the more blunt advice in this thread the most illuminating. Regardless of sign, a player is a player. Sun/Venus/Mars signs and the entire birth chart of an individual will determine HOW the game is played, but regardless of all that, if they are playing games in the first place, they aren't worth it. Period.
Monte12, your man may have become accustomed to being single after his divorce. He may have dated around and will continue to do so, but deep down, he may have ruled out another serious commitment due to fears of being hurt again. So he may be playing the part of the fun, detached single guy, but being a Cancer, it's all a facade borne of fear. Cancerians are great actors. And being as old as he is, it is unlikely that he will change.
I too have spent countless amounts of time analyzing the intentions of the various men I've met. Eventually I realized that if you're spending all that time trying to figure a man out, he doesn't really want you. If he did, he'll let you know. Mine did. My Cancer man played no games when it came to claiming me. It struck me as unusual given his natal chart (he's a double Cancer: Cancer Sun and Cancer Rising). But as I said, and as others here have said, signs have nothing to do with general truths in relationships. They just change the methods, but the facts remain the same. If they want you, they'll claim you.
With all the problems women seem to be experiencing with Cancer males on this board, I think that, again, it may be a cultural thing. Cancers are very sensitive to that sort of thing. They are very aware of general trends in society (Cancer rules the public). They crave security, yet society in general (at least, here in the States) encourages some rather risky behaviors in relationships. Their back-and-forth seems to reflect their subconscious discomfort with all this.
The current positions of Saturn and Pluto may help to explain this even more. Saturn is in Libra, a sign that forms a square aspect (tension and blockage) to Cancer. And Pluto is in Capricorn, a sign opposite Cancer. People born with Suns in any of the Cardinal signs will be experiencing some difficult transits in the next few years, Cancers included.
Ok, I had some unexpected drama today at work, (where I met my cancer friend a few months ago)...so, Im walking out to the hall with a co-worker of mine, we start around the corner, and there "he" is, my cancerian friend...he was bending down fixing something. He did not see me, but I saw him and I literally froze in my tracks. I grabbed my friends arm to turn around and walk the other way (we were going on break) she didnt realize at first what was going on, until she took a look at my face and then back at the guy bending down..lol. So, obviously my work had called him back to do more work there. I was totally shocked ! Him and his brother work together, actually, my cancerian friend owns his own buisness, and his brother works for him. The funny part of it is, upon my cancerian friends return from Vegas, my work did call them for a couple small things that needed done, and it would have been the "perfect" oppurtunity for my friend to see when he came back, but instead, he sent his brother to take care of the job. Which was 2 days after he was back from vegas. I thought at that time when i saw his brother and not him, that something was up. This was actually "pre-text" message that i sent , and his brother being sent was part of my thoughts leading up to that text. However, back to today, I was totally suprised to see him, and he was there in the hall working for a couple hours i hear to. I hid from him well. I am not emotionally strong enough to literally face him yet. I was doing soooo good for the most part, until I saw him. It brought back all that hurt and emotion all over again. Im actually suprised he didn't send his brother to do todays job, so he wouldn't have to take the chance on seeing me, because where he was, there is almost no way around him. Im not even sure if he is done or coming back again. All I know is I worked extremely hard on myself to get better, stronger and find peace, and now I feel like I am back to a couple weeks ago. It was almost next to impossible to not run into him. How do you face someone after they tell you "they aren't sure how they feel about you"? to take the cowardly way out, instead of saying my feelings are not reciprocated, then to think 3 days before he left for Vegas told me we had something strong, and asking me "where I've been all these years" and he wants to introduce me to his family...im sorry all, but what the h*** is wrong with him ? why isn't he hiding anymore and avoiding my work ? because he CAN. Maybe because it really wouldn't bother him at ALL to see me. It's not like he would leave there thinking about me and being a mess, like i am ! Maybe that is why it was no big deal to take the huge huge chance of running into me. Why is it so damn hard to let go of someone you really care about that you know does not want you? I was doing so well, and getting back to myself. Now I feel like I have an open wound inside again. Please wish me a better friday :)..
Piscesstar and Solarity: It was really good to hear from you Thanks for all your words of encouragement. They mean the world to me.. Solarity, hope you have a safe trip and good luck with your gal-pals Im sure you all will be fine and have a great time.
Ariessoul: Thank you as well for your input. It really does make sense, enough to be a possibility with this cancer guy, but aren't they just of afraid to grow old alone too ? I guess that goes back to "if they REALLY like you and want you they find a way to hang in there with ya" scared or not. In my situation here, I really honestly feel like I was played and lied to. Like all the sweet nothings, really were nothings.
You are probably right about being played. But time eventually heals things, and one good turn gets another....
I have a story for you. A while ago, when I started the job I currently have, I met a man and we ended up having an affair that broke up the relationship I had at the time. I thought me and this other guy were going to start something, but then it fizzled. He played games and tried to avoid me, and then eventually told me outright that he was ending things. I moved on, but I was bitter and angry (though I probably deserved it for cheating on my then-boyfriend; it served me right). Of course it was difficult to deal with his presence at work, so I adjusted my schedule around him. Whenever I was forced to be in contact with him, I would play it cool. I would act like he didn't exist. That's what you should do, too, in your case.
For me, ironically, the pig I messed around with tried to get back together with me again some time later. So I teased him, made it look like it was possible. Man, did he come on to me hard. He was so desperate! Then one day I ended up meeting the man who became my current boyfriend, and I decided that the teasing with the other guy had to end, so I dropped him like a hot potato. And he was hurt bad -- he couldn't disguise it.
Your guy will get his just desserts as well. Feel no sympathy for him, and do not analyze his motives. And don't avoid him at work! Treat him like something that's in your way: move around it. Ignore him. Act like he doesn't even exist. He may try to come back to you one day, like in my case, especially since Cancerians are best motivated to make a move when something they want is moving away. But you keep blowing him off, act really cool, like you don't need him.
Because you don't need him. Waste no more time or thought on him. He no longer exists to you.
Incidentally, the fact that he was sending his brother to do work where you worked indicates that he really wanted nothing to do with you and was definitely trying to avoid you. That was a really big sign. He is emotionally immature. He deserves to be alone.
Everything you say, sounds so right, and so good. I just need to make sure "if" I happen to see him to keep walking and be strong. It is so easy to say, I just need to do it now ! I know it's in my best interest as well. Maybe now after the "initial" seeing him after five weeks, broke me in, lol. Why do you think he showed up today instead of sending his brother ? I would figure he is taking a heck of a chance seeing me, and he knew it !! There is a feeling I have that he will be back again, and if he is, I wont know until it's too late, like today...ugggg, I was so not ready for that one. Maybe next time (if there is one) I will be and I will walk right past him, like I don't know who he is, and don't care to. Honestly though, I can not help to analyze this, im a scorpio, lol. Thank you soooo much AriesSoul for the reality check i was needing so bad right now It really helped.
You're welcome You seem to be going through things I've already been through, so I'm happy to help.
Consider it all a test of character. Since he's a Cancer, my guess would be that he felt it was safe for him to return because of the talk you two had. You essentially assured him that you didn't hate him, so he felt brave enough to see you. He felt it would be ok to come out of his shell, so to speak. Cancer doesn't like to take risks (unless there is a Fire sign influence in the natal chart).
In my case, I absolutely hated the guy I dealt with, so it was easy for me to be icy. In your case, since he essentially dumped you indirectly, it may be harder to summon ill feelings. You need to remind yourself of how he treated you. He disrespected you. He had no regard for your feelings. He saw you as someone to amuse himself with. Honestly, I think his Vegas trip reminded him of the fun and excitement of singlehood. He spoke to you the way he did because he was trying to communicate to you that he wanted to be free to enjoy things that a single man is free to do, without consequences. He just didn't have the guts to say it directly. If he felt seriously about you, he would never have went there.
I think you made some mistakes in contacting him towards the end of things, but now, consider this your chance to make up for it all. Freeze him out. If you have to talk to him, keep it to hello, goodbye and, if necessary, excuse me.
(lol I love how pretty much everyone with a Cancerian male problem has hijacked this thread!)
::waves at AriesSoul:: hi there.
Just popping in with a quick update about my Cancer friend "Dave" - I actually heard from him today! It was in response to the message I sent him over the weekend. Specifically, I conveyed three ideas in about five sentences: that my family is in a difficult situation right now and I wished he was around to talk to, that I hope his semester was going well, and that I'd like to see him over Thanksgiving break but understood if he didn't want to.
His response? "I would like to see you when I'm back." Verbatim.
This is, of course, after this whole weekend (which was awful, awful, awful!) and such, I finally was able to take a deep breath, push off, and let go of the whole situation, and was actually ready to wait until he was back in town, or longer, to say or do anything about the situation, because I just do not have the time or energy this week to do so. To physically represent that, I did remove his number from my phone and unfriended him on facebook--seems silly but when you're four or five hundred miles apart, that's pretty much the only efficient way to keep in touch! I did it without fanfare--and there was no anger or resentment, or out of my own hurt and confusion over the whole situation. I was just finally ready to let go and put it aside for awhile.
GO FIGURE, he pops up with this! Granted, it is a relief--I am very happy to have finally heard from him-- I just kind of smiled at the timing I suppose...and then of course promptly burst into tears (stress? relief? I don't know) Only about an hour before getting his response, though, I saw a car as I crossed the street and it made me smile because it is almost identical to his--and he has a pretty unique vehicle.
I haven't replied yet--I don't quite know just what to say yet and I honestly don't think I need to say much or anything at all. We have that whole "telepathic" kind of communication thing going on, but I know my need to communicate will speak up sooner or later.
What's your take on it?
Monte...to be honest, I think it's odd that after so much time, both our Cancers would appear TODAY (I've not heard from "Dave" since early September...so about the same time frame, if I understand your "five weeks") tells me that his appearance wasn't a coincidence. Couldn't tell ya anything else though, lol.
"ugggg, I was so not ready for that one."
I hear ya! Granted, we had different reactions, but all the same. I was totally taken by surprise.
as a long time intuitive reader and psychic counselor and teacher, it never ceases to amaze me how some women are obsessed on a man they can't have. it seems the more they reject you, the more attention you give to them, and they will keep on running away from you.
I think you are all obsessed.. time to find another hobby. :))
Tooralooryeaye, I would focus on your family issues right now, and not worry about this disappearing-reappearing character in your life. He seems to have a bad hold on your emotions, which is unhealthy for you. Don't respond to his text. Don't talk to him again. Ask yourself this: Does Dave do anything good for you? Does he bring any real, significant happiness into your life? If the answer is no, it's time to let him go for good.
We all meet people at one point or another in our lives who have a significant hold on us. We feel attached to them in a deep, profound way, and it can lead to some depressing behaviors in ourselves if the attachment isn't reciprocated. There's some Astrology to that: these people may bring a lot to your 4th or 8th houses in synastry, or there may be connections from one of their personal planets to your Sun/Moon midpoint or Vertex, also in synastry. But regardless of this, sometimes these connections are too much, and need to be broken in order for us to grow as individuals. Better to be alone with no star to guide you, than to be stuck in an emotional swamp.
Don't ever say to a guy, "I want to see you, but it's cool if you don't want to." No it isn't! If he doesn't want to see you, that says a lot! And if he does want to see you, he will! He'll come after you himself. You won't have to play phone tag with him.
Good point ariesoul....
what I 've noticed with this forum in particular, there are those with OCDs or obsessive traits that I can spot in a heartbeat. it's their writing, and how much time they spend with the details. for a man, the details are not an issue, but those with OCD obsessed on details of who said what, and how much time they go over those details is something to consider here.
aries soul, I will bet you any amount of money, they are not going to listen to your advice, or any others advice from those that have experienced and are not obsessed themselves.
it would not surprise me the least, if they were stalkers. texting all the time, emailing all the time, calling all the time, is a form of stalking. I know that sounds harsh, but if you are not willing to let go, and let the man be the man and let the man do the pursuing, then you have taken over the role of being the pursuer. men want to do the chasing...
it's one thing to vent, but it's another to go on and on, and on. obsessive trait.. from the way these ladies write about their situation is not healthy, and what they are looking for, is someone to tell them what they want to hear, because in their minds, they are following their hearts!
it's not the heart that is leading them , it's their emotional makeup that is guiding them.
if you allow yourself to be led by your emotions when you are dating, it's a guarantee of being single for the rest of your life.
no man is interested in taking on a burden, especially when you are willing to drop everything to be with this man even if it's only for a few hours.
be careful of not becoming a booty call. when a man has not seen you in a long while, or a late night call is definitely a booty call.
it's time for you ladies to raise your standards. think better of yourselves and you will find a man that will not only respect you, but will pursue you when you have good self esteem, and can think for yourself.
AriesSoul, I'm curious as to why you say Cancer rules the public? I would consider Cancer the natural ruler of the 4th, the IC.
MsSunny: I am FAR from a stalker or an obsessive texter or caller! Im sorry you think that your
diploma in teaching and counseling give you the right to speak that, however, I have not contacted this cancerian man in 2 weeks tomorrow, and have NO plans on doing so! I went as far as walking the stair well yesturday to AVOID him. I do not feel that there is anything wrong with trying to figure out someones motives, if you will. It is my way of finding closure, after all, we are ALL different. We handle things in different ways. I am also far from a booty call. That is one thing i have NO problem figuring out when a man just wants a piece. This whole thing to me is still sort of fresh, even if it is "in my own mind". However, it is my way of dealing with it, to find closure. We all get to a point where we need closure, no matter WHAT the situation is. I know this man wants nothing to do with me, I know when a man wants you, he will track your a** down. I am just a typical analytical scorpio. I am a pretty strong driven woman for the most part, until someone fills my head with what ends up a bunch of b.s. I am a very attractive girl, built nice, and have no problem finding a man. But to find one that makes me feel the way he did and connect the way "we did" is almost very rare. Thats why it is so hard for me to understand how/why things happened the way they did. Believe me, I know when they really want to talk to you, they find a way. I think you were pretty harsh with your words, and insensitive to all of us who have unanswered questions or still have feelings even if it is for a player, jerk, or what have you. Believe and think what you may, but this site and some of the people on here, have helped me a ton and I am forever thankful to them.
AquaBubbles - You're speaking in terms of the natural chart. What I was speaking of was something a bit different. Cancer, generally speaking, is the sign that represents the public, the common man, as opposed to Capricorn, the sign that represents the ruling class. Not a chart-related thing, just a quality-of-the-sign thing. Sort of like saying that Gemini rules salespeople. People with prominent Gemini in their charts have a natural affinity with circulating and promotion. People with prominent Cancer in their charts have a natural affinity with the public, its needs and desires. Consequently, they are often socially popular (as opposed to people with strong Capricorn, who may come off as snobbish even if they're not trying to be).
MsSunny - Yeah, the booty call thing was exactly what I was thinking, I was just reluctant to say it. Everyone here seemed to be looking beyond that, just looking for an ideal relationship. Game-playing guys usually are all about getting some.
Monte12 - I totally understand your need for closure, but I've learned the hard way that when we want it most, we usually don't get it. Best to let time take care of that for us. It usually does. Cruel people get it in the end.
I'm disappointed you used the stairwell to avoid him.... He's not worth the extra steps. If he were to see you, and see you not even taking notice of him, that would get the point across. He needs to see your indifference.
AriesSoul: I know it might sound crazy that I used the stairwell instead of walking past him, but at that moment I was not ready to do that. I found out today, that his work is still needed, so, he will be called back again or his brother will come, but either way, I am alot more prepared for it now to walk right past him like he is nothing. I will say hi, IF it gets to that point. Yesturday it was just the "initial" seeing him after almost 6 weeks for the first time and caught me off center. Now that I got that out of the way, Im sure I can face him, "face to face" IF I have to. I will be stronger in doing so and a little "icy"..im sure..lol but you are right, he is not worth the extra steps. He needs kicked down a few notches with the ego, so, "what comes around goes around" I am a good person i have a good heart and intentions and hope that one day I meet a guy who deserves all that. I do believe that he did see an indifference in me though, because im SURE he expected a text saying " hey heard you were at my work" and didn't get one, that right there shows him my indifference, and right now, that is good enough for me He KNOWS that i knew he was there. I had quite a few people come up to me and say he was out in the hall. Keeping in mind, none of them know the situation and still think we are still dating, except the one lady I went on break with. I do not display my personal business at work..so, im SURE he was expecting me to walk out and I didn't, and I feel good about it however, I DO understand where you are coming from as well. Rest assure, the next time, I will walk past him like he is nothing. The only thing I thought of was that i was surpised it was him there instead of his brother. Thank you for understanding me
aries soul>>>>>MsSunny - Yeah, the booty call thing was exactly what I was thinking, I was just reluctant to say it. Everyone here seemed to be looking beyond that, just looking for an ideal relationship. Game-playing guys usually are all about getting some.
yep, I am very direct, and to the point... it is what it is. these men are going for the BOOTY CALL
Well I must say, since it's all about the "booty call", then that makes me feel alot better, because we never made it to that point to begin with. So, maybe he went back to someone who WILL give it to him then. After all, players only love you when they are playing. That left nothing to love about me then if thats all he wanted.
"as a long time intuitive reader and psychic counselor and teacher, it never ceases to amaze me how some women are obsessed on a man they can't have. it seems the more they reject you, the more attention you give to them, and they will keep on running away from you.
I think you are all obsessed.. time to find another hobby. :))"
It amazes me too. Actually it makes me feel sad for them that they can't see what is in front of them.
Monte, I'm glad he did get any from you. He didn't deserve it, but more to the point, that explains the Vegas thing now. The guy just wanted to mess around. That's why he kept in touch with you at one point infrequently -- to see if there was still a chance that he could score. I've had similar experiences in the past. These types always do the same thing.
Good guys are hard to find. Actually, I think there's just guys who have the potential to be good, and need to be trained. Those who are not willing to be trained should be dismissed. Good luck finding a good trainee!
Shoof, I don't know where to start...there's a lot of finger-pointing going on in this forum, it seems...
Monte: I think AriesSoul has some sound advice on next steps for handling your ex. I also think she's right about his hamster-wheel bachelor mentality, and the Vegas trigger of his personality change (probably back to who he really is). However, I don't think that should diminish the connection you two initially had (for you) because at the time he probably really felt what he was saying. (Un)fortunately, feelings change...people go from liking/"loving" someone one day to not so much the next day, week, month or year, and vice versa. It is what it is, and it was what it was. This is something we don't have the power to change, and it's not something to over-analyze - you will never find the answer as to "why". Sometimes people enter our lives to show us what we want, when we weren't thinking about it. YOU are the one that was involved with this guy, and you know the reasons you fell for him (the rest of us here can only speculate, keep that in mind). He obviously made you feel special, and that was probably what surprised you and enabled you to fall for him so quickly. While it is important to think of all of the bad qualities of a person when we are trying to get over them, and call a spade a spade (or player a player), it is also important to learn from the good so that we don't jade ourselves to the next person. Keep in mind that every break up is different, every person is different - and the lessons learned are (hopefully) important and help propel us forward in life.
It sounds to me like you weren't looking for a relationship when you initially met this guy, and that part of the confusion was the sudden relationship urge in yourself. I went through a similar experience a year ago, and it really shook me up. Mostly because I felt so blindsided by my reaction to MY feelings. Once I got my emotional distance from the situation (and him) and healed, I was able to look at what the real issue was - I had discovered that I wanted (gasp) a relationship. He was obviously the wrong guy, but learning that about myself really helped me to see things clearer. I'm not saying this is the case for you, but that once you get "over" the break-up/him your perspective will be much clearer and you will figure out what you truly want/deserve.
Gypsydreams and Ms Sunny: I don't know if I am one of the "they" you are referring to, but I don't know who "they" are because neither of you addresses any particular person/author - either way, you both sound quite judgmental in saying that all of the posts are about obsessed women who can't see that their men are only looking for booty calls. Either you two have been seriously burned by men who booty called you and are hyper-sensitive to perceived patterns, or maybe it goes deeper into some sort of sadistic need to judge others and feel "better than" them in their situation because you are no longer in those situations (and then, good for you!).
Maybe I am misunderstanding, which is easy to do since there is no person/people you are directing your comments to, and no solution that you are offering either, other than "get a new hobby". If you feel that being verbose or over-analyzing a situation or another person's intentions is part of obsessive compulsive disorder, and the author venting on this forum annoys you to the point that you feel you have to speak out so strongly - I would ask why it irks you so. Is it really because you find that the behaviors of these women are so weak and blind, and they should heed your psychic guidance? Or because they didn't and won't? It's common knowledge that people only see what they want to see, but they also see it in their own time. If the timing isn't up to your speed, so be it. Who cares, really?!
It's just weird to me...coming back here (to this strand) after a weekend of being surrounded by some wonderful friends whom are so supportive and honest (even when being brutally so, it's from a place that's sincere), and feeling a similar kinship with some of the girls here...and then reading such judgmental, righteous commentary that seemed to be attacking monte...maybe I'm quick to defend monte bc that's my nature when I empathize with someone, but I never once read/heard her say anything about going back to that guy, or any mention of him trying to make her a booty call. I can understand that initial stomach-in-your-throat desire to run when you're faced with a recent ex, it's a very human reaction when you once cared for that person and are working on going from feeling rejected to gathering your strength and facing that person strong and renewed. It's not easy, and if you ask me she has more balls sharing her feelings (whether they be strong or weak) than pretending everything is fine on the surface.
Being honest with yourself and others is one thing, but being cruel just to feel better about oneself is truly taking the easy way out.
Hey Everybody !!! Just checking in . Looks like i`ve missed alot . Ill have more time to catch up tomm. School is still coming along well . I hope everything is going good with you guys also.